Jokes – Snoring!

(Good English) There was this young man who took his lady friend home. There was no power supply from Power (With)Holding Company of Nigeria (PHCN). So, he decided to put on his small generator (gen). The lady could not sleep because of the noise from the gen. Hence, she asked the young man to put off the gen. Later, after falling deep asleep, the lady started to snore, ‘hurhurhurhurhurhurhur.’ This time, the young man could not fall asleep, so he went out to put on the gen. He reasoned that the noise of the gen could override that of his snoring friend. Unfortunately, the sound of the gen woke up the lady.

She said, ‘John, please put off the gen, the noise is too much.’

John was so upset, he said, ‘Which of the gen will I put off? …The one on the inside or the one on the outside? Please, Cynthia, sleep and leave me alone.’

(Pidgin English) John come provoke, he say: “Na which gen I go off? The one wen dey outside or the one wen dey inside. Cynthia, abeg abeg, sleep and leave me alone!”

#IfnotforFacebook…!

I've been seeing and hearing a lot more complaints about Facebook of late. It’s gotten so bad that some ardent Facebook users have decided to reconsider their usage of Facebook social media. These complaints are legitimate, understandable and appropriate. I've personally had a fair share of complaints. The problems range from Facebook scams, hacking, and stolen identities to posting of indecent and inappropriate materials. Needless to say, the above developments are saddening, provocative and frankly disappointing. That said, I have a deep and sentimental attachment to Facebook and I promise to always keep my Facebook page no matter what. Why is that?

Let me give you an illustration. A knife is a very valuable household implement. With a knife, you can arrange a lovely meal, cut and slice some food items, decorate and design your home, do gardening and the likes. At the same time, the knife can also be put to bad use: it can be used to intimidate, assault, and harm people. The question now is: will you stop using a knife simply because someone else used knives to steal or commit murder? The answer is no. In the same vein, let’s ask ourselves: Will it be right to stop using Facebook simply because some have and are still using it to cause harm to others? Won’t we rather seek ways to protect ourselves from the bad influences on Facebook? Accidents happen every day, sometimes as a result of the bad conduct of some drivers, should that stop you from using the road? Won’t people of evil intent always seek ways to bring harm to others? Should that stop you from living your life?

Let’s not forget Facebook in a hurry and brush aside the much good it has brought to our lives. Let’s remember what good Facebook has brought to each and every one of us. I can’t forget Facebook. It made me discover my talents and potentials. It me a better me! As a result, I’m starting this hashtag on my blog, Facebook wall, Twitter account and others: #IfnotforFacebook… I’m using this to encourage myself and others to write and contribute to what good Facebook has done in their lives.

#IfnotforFacebook…!

1.    I won’t have discovered and rediscovered my flair for writing. Facebook provided me the audience, that is, my lovely Facebook friends. I write and post my write-ups on Facebook and almost immediately, I get a response from a friend who has read it. I can tell when my write-up is good, fair or bad. However it was I’m encouraged to do better next time. I don’t make money from what I write, but I feel rewarded knowing that I have something special and that I can contribute in my own way to bring good cheer to a fellow human being.

2.    I won’t have discovered friends and relatives that I've lost contact with for a very long time. With the help of Facebook, I've been able to reach old schoolmates who are now settled in different parts of the world. How else would I have seen some of my primary (elementary) school mates? How else would I have seen my secondary (high school) and university (college) schoolmates who have traveled abroad or in different parts of my country? I have received friend request from people who knew me several years ago but I had no recollection of who they were. How else would I have known about them?

3.    How else would I hear of some important developments that affects me and my friends directly or indirectly? I've gotten information from Facebook friends about job interviews, job spaces, and other productive life ventures. I've heard and received wedding notices, invites, graduation news, news of the arrival of a new baby, and many others. How else…?

#IfnotforFacebook…

To be continued!

Jokes – Ice-cream!

One guy went out with the girlfriend. She was on the heavy side! They got to a fast-food restaurant. The guy was confused on where to go; there were spots for ‘suya,’ foreign and local dishes, drinks, and of course, ice-cream. The guy asked the lady, ‘Where are we heading?’

The lady answered, ‘Why are you asking? Can’t you see there is an ice-cream stand over there?’ So, off to the ice-cream spot they went.

On another date, they went to another restaurant. This restaurant had many spots including a spot for an ATM Machine, in case you ran out of money. The guy started walking towards the ice-cream spot; the lady drew him back, saying, ‘Where are you going?’

The guy said: ‘The ice-cream spot, of course.’

Lady: ‘Let’s stop by the ATM Machine first.’

Guy: ‘I left my card at home. Did you bring yours?’

Lady: ‘I was just kidding. Please, let’s go and buy ice-cream.’

I do!

Even when you think I don’t, I do.

Even when you think I can’t, I do.

Even at the lowest moments, I do.

Even at the highs, I do.

Even at the odd hours, I do.

Even at the plus hours, I do.

Even when I don’t call, I do.

Even when I don’t send a message, I do.

Even when I don’t reply, I do.

Even when it seems highly improbable, I do.

Even when I’m made to think I don’t, I do.

I do…

I do…

I do…

I do remember.

I do care.

I really do.

O yes, I do!

Jokes in Pidgin English (48) – I wanna marry, I wanna marry!

He get one guy wen one marry. He come look for one correct authentic tear rubber chassis naija oyinbo lady. He come they go out with the lady. Today na Mr.Bigg’s, tomorrow na GT Plaza, another day, na Sizzlers, etcetera etcetera (I love this grammar!). Nor do nor do, one day the guy foodstuffs come finish for house. He ma dey try to arrange house wakis (food) once in a while. So, this guy come call the girlfriend,

‘Hello dear, please, I've ran out of foodstuff in the house, please, can you drop by the market and buy some food items and drop them at the house.’

The lady answer,

‘Yes, darling! Your wish is my command. I’ll do just that.’

After some hours, she call the guy,

‘Darling, I've dropped the items you requested at the house.’

My guy come dey get hope. Men, he feel say things are well arranged at home. So, instead of eating outside, he decided to go home and prepare some home-made food. O boy, when he got home, he saw enough food stuffs/items:

·       2 cartoons of big-size Indolmie

·       1 cartoon of Gala

·       1 cartoon of cakes

·       2 packs of biscuits

·       Beverages: Milk, Bournvita, etc.

·       Packs of refined sugar

·       1 carton of fruit juice

·       Cartons of canned soft drinks: coke, malt drinks, etc.

·       Cartons of bottled water

·       1 crate of eggs

·       Bottles of vegetable oils

·       Bottles of wine

·       Bottles of mayonnaise

·       Loaves of bread

·       1 Mr. Biggs take-away pack of fried rice and chicken

O boy, na so food stuffs full everywhere. My guy frustrate and he lamented:

‘No garri, no semovita, no yam, no plantain, no red oil, no vegetables, no meat, no fish, no fruits (orange, mangoes, water melon, etc), no onions, no okro, no melon, no ‘Ogbolo’, no pepper, no salt, no spices, nothing to use to prepare correct wakis (food). O boyeee.’

The guy come dey reason a lifetime of Indolmie, Gala, Cakes, biscuits, soft drinks, bread, wine and take-aways. I wanna marry! I wanna marry! This is a lifetime of overweight, obesity, diabetes, hypertension, arteriosclerosis, and the rest.

The guy pick phone, call em mama,

‘Mama, mama, I can’t do this. I wanna come to the village. I wanna come home. I don’t wanna die young.’

Jokes in Pidgin English (47) – Night Party; Nigeria’s ban on ‘homo’ (gays)!

See, na joke o. E get one guy when dey like night party. Lots of drinking, dancing with poor lighting! One day, the guy go one party. As usual, he was dancing, singing, drinking, etcetera etcetera (I like this grammar). After a while, he noticed another guy was dancing too close for comfort. Na so my guy tell the other guy,

‘O boy, I nor be babe, I be guy o.’ (Thinking the guy was too drunk not to notice)

The other guy reply,

‘I know.’

My guy say,

‘You know wetin?’

The guy answered,

‘I know say you be guy. Me, I dey like guys.’

My guy hala,

‘Shuooooooooo! Kweke ooooo (no English version but na exclamation remarks)! Ogheneme (My God)!’

 My guy run reach house. My guy come dey reason,

‘This one wan Nigeria Congress abi na Parliament don ban ‘homo’ (gays) with the punishment of 14 years imprisonment, anybody wen use mistake go dance anyhow, dem come suspect say na ‘homo’, na prison be dat. Hmmm… na waooo. Me, I nor go that kind night party again ooo… ‘

That was the last time my guy go night party. O man, abi na O people, na joke oooooooooooooooooooooo. I nor dey there oooooooooooooooo.....