Jokes in Queen’s English - Mister Lecturer!

One lecturer set exams for his students. He chose the questions but he was not the one who moderated the exam. Towards the end of the exam, he stood close to the exit doors of the exam hall to watch the reactions of the students as they file out of the hall. When the students came out, he noticed that many of them wore a sad face and some were complaining openly about the exam. The lecturer started smiling and laughing, ‘ I've killed them all. I've killed them all.' He was so happy that the students found his questions difficult. That was how he got his high: seeing students crying or complaining about his questions.

Some of the students saw him laughing at them. So, much later, those students arranged for some cult boys to scare the lecturer. The lecturer was driving home when he was waylaid by those boys. As they were approaching the car with clubs and sticks, the lecturer jumped out of his car and started running because he could not reverse quickly enough. As he was running, the boys started laughing, ‘ I've killed them all. I've killed them all. Mister lecturer, we are still alive… I've killed all…’

Reflections (4) - Be Smart!

You don't need an education to be smart. The mere fact that you're educated doesn't mean you're smart. Some of the smartest people on earth do not have a formal education; rather they are people with a keen sense of observation. In my little working experience, I've met men and women with little or no formal education, yet very smart. Hence, i get angry when some use their lack of education or exposure to act dumb. One mother brought her critically ill-child to the hospital. Instead of raising the attention of the health workers to the seriousness of her child's condition, she sat down quietly in the waiting queue with the baby covered with a cloth. Before it got to her turn, the baby died in her arms. It was when the health worker on duty was examining the child that she got to know her child was dead. Sad! That's not shyness. She was plain dumb because while she was on the queue with her very sick child, other mothers were drawing attention of the hospital staffs to their children who were not worse of. A smart mother would have been observant and she would have acted to save her baby.

One night i was on call (duty), one very young mother brought her sick child to the hospital. She was not educated, but she was one of the smartest women I've ever met. She came alone with her baby. The husband was not at home, but when she saw the condition of her child, she did not wait. She got some money and brought the child to the hospital. No friend or relative accompanied her, yet in the dead of night she brought her child to the hospital. When i saw this young mother, she showed maturity beyond her years! I was so touched that after admitting the child, instead of just leaving instructions with the night nurse, i stayed with the child for several hours making sure nothing went wrong. Few days later, the child got better and was discharged home. This happened long ago but i remember it so vividly as though it happened yesterday. Nurture a keen sense of observation of your environment and be smart with what you learn. It could be a life-saver.

Jokes in Queen’s English – Hospital settings – Part 2!

In one hospital, one doctor was seeing a hypertensive patient in the presence of some students. He asked the students: ‘What advice will you give to this patient to help reduce his blood pressure?’

One student replied: ‘I will advice him to stop thinking.’

Doctor: ‘What, in this country? You might as well tell him to stop breathing. As he is sitting here, he’s already thinking about how he would get his drugs and get transport home. Not to talk of getting food and other basic needs at home.’

 

These days some of our Labs, especially Ultrasound scanning centres have turned to Xerox centres. They have preformed results in their computer system. After the scanning, the appropriate format is issued for that patient. The danger is that results can be mixed, mistakes made and lazy attitudes are encouraged.

A patient went to do a scan at the directive of a low cadre health worker. When the result was brought, the health worker directed the patient to see a doctor with the result. The result read, among other things, ‘Spleen is normal.’ The patient complained, ‘Doctor, the scan says my spleen is normal, but my spleen was removed several years ago when I had splenectomy following a traumatic road accident.’

 

A woman delivered a set of twins. She was surprised. Her late scan showed she only had a single foetus in her womb. ‘Is is God’s blessings?’

Health worker attending to her: ‘It’s human error. The scan was wrong. Thank God you delivered in the hospital.’  

Jokes in Queen’s English – I’m broke!

There was this student in one university years back. There was a point in time he was sending several messages home, ‘I’m broke.’ Even when he receives some money from home, the messages kept coming soon after. The father was worried, ‘How come Junior is always asking for money these days?’ He decided to pay his son a surprise visit in school. When he got to the son’s accommodation, he met the son and the son's girlfriend slaughtering chicken. The father was surprised, ‘Son, I thought you said you are broke.’

Son: ‘Dad, you won’t understand. I’m really broke. I bought this on credit.’

Father: ‘Understand what? At home, we've not had a meal with chicken for a long time. So, this is how you spend your money. Make sure this chicken serves you for a long time. You won’t be receiving any money from me any soon.’

Son: ‘I will stop going to school, then.’

Father: ‘That’s even better. At least, then, we will be sharing the same meals. Enjoy this while it last.’

Learning to say it right!

Once upon a time, a good friend of mine taught me the niceties of ‘saying it right.’ In our every day conversations and in formal interactions, we use a lot of idioms and idiomatic expressions. These idioms are meant to be used the way they are except with some alterations to align the syntax of our expressions. That friend of mine made me more conscious of the words I use and I thus developed a knack for checking virtually every word or phrase or idiom I use. In our conversations, while we may succeed in passing across our message however we put it, it’s far more gratifying when you put it in more accurate grammatical expressions. Let me share some of my findings:

1. We often hear: ‘More grease to your elbow.’

More accurately, it is: ‘More power to your elbow’ or ‘more elbow grease.’

2. We hear: ‘You can’t eat your cake and have it.’

More accurately, it is: ‘You can’t have your cake and eat it.’

3. ‘A word is good enough for the wise.’

More accurately: ‘A word to the wise’ or ‘a word to the wise is enough’ or ‘a word to the wise is sufficient.’

4. ‘He who wears the shoe knows where it hurts.’

More accurately: ‘He who wears the shoe knows where it pinches.’

5. ‘Behind every cloud there’s a silver lining.’

More accurately: ‘Every cloud has a silver lining.’

6. ‘Half education is dangerous.’

More accurately: ‘A little learning is dangerous.’

7. ‘A problem shared is half-solved.’

More accurately: ‘A problem shared is a problem halved’ or ‘a trouble shared is a trouble halved.’

8. Lend me your pen / I will borrow you some money.

More accurately: Borrow me your pen / I will lend you some money.

(You borrow something from somebody while they lend it to you.)

It goes on and on. We all learn everyday. Wise men never stop learning. A word to the wise, my friend!

Jokes in English - Complimentary cards!

Years ago, it was uncommon to see people with complimentary cards except a privileged few. That was the time you could put all the cards you've ever received in your pocket wallet. Nowadays, since more and more persons have found cheaper ways of making such cards, you can find the cards virtually everywhere. It’s now as common as water.

I went to a small roadside shop to buy boxer shorts. I bought a few. As I was leaving the shop, the owner gave me a complimentary card. I wondered, ‘What for?’ Reply: ‘In case you need more boxers!’ Wow, need more boxers for what? Retailing…? Boxers parade…?

I know that a time will come or it is here when students will be carrying a complimentary card that reads like these:

Osakpolor A. 300L Mech. Engineering Student.

Phone numbers:

1. MTN number…

2. Airtel number… (In case there’s network problem)

3. Glo number… (For family and friends)

Contact address:

School address…

Home address…

Holiday address… (In the event that i'm no where to be found.)

Facebook address…

Twitter address…

Email address…

Netlog address…

LinkedIn address…

Blackberry PIN…

Bank Accounts (1) …

Bank Accounts (2) … (in case you don’t have bank 1 in your area)

Please note: Your support to the course of my education will be highly appreciated!

(Hmm…. If as a student you have all the above with/in complimentary card, don’t graduate. Remain in school. Some of those who've graduated and are working 24/7 don’t have all or most of the above. A student will say he/she is broke but is recharging his/her BB every month, changing BB like wrapper… Hmm... Stay in school ooo…. You've already arrived …......................... .......................................... Just kidding ooo)