Tuesday, 15 January 2013

Jokes in Pidgin English (12)




If in your work place, you get three married men when dey work with you, u nor need to ask dem their tribes, na d way dem dey act follow you go know where dem come from.

If na Hausa man, e nor dey receive call from home say ‘wen u dey come house?’ E nor dey rush to go home wen e close from work. E dey take him time. Him fit go anywhere e like, anytime em like e reach house. D excuse wen e dey take, ‘I wan go pray’ ‘I wan go break fast.’ E nor dey fear anything. D wife go dey house jeje, she nor dey comot. She nor dey complain. She know say if she too complain, d man go marry another wife sharp sharp. She nor dey bother wether d man get girlfriend outside, bcos, it’s just a matter of time, another wife go come join or displace her. Her only prayer be say make d man nor bring bad market come house.

If na Yoruba man, na d opposite. D phone dey always ring. ‘Honey, wen are u coming home?’ Dem go talk for 10mins on top of one question. If u get Yoruba co-worker wen don marry, o boy u nor go hear word, ‘please I need to go home to pick something’ ‘please I need to go home, my mother-in-law is around’ ‘please I need to go home, my wife’s uncle’s step sister from village is sick’, na so so excuse. Wen e close, e don reach house sharp sharp. He dey submit daily briefing on all d places wen e go. D wife get visual lie detector wen she dey take pick d man lies, ‘it’s a lie. U went to see ur girlfriend’ she nor dey too fear. Even if d man get girlfriend, em head nor correct to bring d girl come house.

If na Ibo man. E nor wait make em phone ring, na him dey call. ‘Lolo, how now? Papa Emeka don supply d goods?’ As Ibo man dey govt work dey hustle, d wife dey their shop dey hustle too. No time for play or joke. Ibo man dey plan em time. Everything is well calculated in advance. E nor dey take excuse wen nor get monetary value. ‘I’m going to the bank’ ‘I’m going to the warehouse’ ‘I’m going to accounts, my salary last mth was short of 5naira.’ Ibo man wen e close, e go call the wife, ‘Lolo, u still dey shop abi?... em nor worry, I go take d children from sch go house, give dem food b4 u come. Abeg collect dat money from Mama Ify, if she nor give u, nor come house oo.’ Ibo men na their marriage dey last pass, u know why? Any time e reason divorce, e go remember d millions wen e spend take marry d wife, e go cancel d idea. B4 Ibo man divorce, dat means d economic value of been a divorcee will be far greater than staying in d marriage. Unlike his Hausa counterpart, Hausa man dey change wife d way people dey change handset. E nor dey spend too much. Easy come, easy go.

I like all of them, dem dey always make me naff……

A Joke a day keeps the doctor away! (15-01-13)



In some parts of Nigeria, everything has monetary value. So too are potential brides. The monetary worth of a bride is proportional to her educational qualifications and the amount spent in raising her. The bride–price of a secondary sch. certificate holder is higher than a primary sch. certificate holder. That of a Diploma holder is next in ranking. After that you have in ascending order: B.Sc. holder; M.Sc. holder; MBBS holder; PhD holder and so forth. There was this 40-year old Ibo man who wanted to marry a highly educated Ibo lady. He saw a lady he liked and went making enquiries on how to get the lady. He was told: ‘Una. She is a professor with OND, B.Sc., M.Sc., and PhDs.' When this man calculated her worth, he reasoned: ‘This amount of money can buy me two shops in Onitsha, two big plot of land in Owerri, and I can also use part of it to erect one complex of 10 rooms that I can place on rent. Una, I’m coming. I’m still a young man.'

MY PIECE FOR TODAY {15-01-13}- IN THEIR GRIEF, THEY FOUND A COURSE! (GRIEF SERIES REDACTED VOL. 4)



To begin this series and to set the tone for the fourth one, I will like to remind you of the definition of grief. Wikipedia.org defines grief as, ‘a multi-faceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond was formed.’ Put in other words, grief is the response to loss. This can be the loss of someone or something we have a connection with. The loss can be of something we cherish the most. We all agree that we cherish deeply our bodies and parts of our body. How we cherish our eyes that give us the ability to admire the beauty of God’s creation on earth! Those who have the ability to see from childhood can’t imagine the thought of losing it. O, what a loss and yes, what grief it is for those who lose their ability to see on account of a disease condition or an accident. Think about our legs. How often we take them for granted, yet how important they are to our bodies! We move around with it to attend to our needs. We run with them either as a form of exercise or when we are in a hurry or more crucially, we use our legs to run from danger. Hence, it is not hard to imagine how devastating it is for an able-bodied individual to lose the legs or the ability to walk either due to an accident or a severe illness. That is why in this series and the next, I will talk about individuals who lost their eyesight and their ability to walk and how they responded to such loss.
                                                                                    
Wikipedia.org goes on to explain, ‘Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, (grief) also has physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, and philosophical dimensions.’ What this means is when we suffer a loss and we grieve, our response to the loss (grief) is not only emotional. Grief is not all about mourning which involves the outward expression of grief and in many cultures that would involve wearing black clothes and sullen appearances, weeping or been isolated from any social event or contact. No, grief is a lot more than the acts of mourning. While mourning has to do with expressing sorrow over the death of someone, grief deals with loss of someone or something. Mourning is like a subset of grief. Grief encompasses the various ways people respond to loss and that response can involve physical or behavioural changes, and/or changes in social interactions. It also involves cognitive (i.e. mental processes or intelligence) or philosophical (i.e. rational thinking or reasoning) adaptations as a result of loss. Wikipedia.org explains that the Kubler-Ross model which describes the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) can occur when an individual is diagnosed with a terminal illness or is enduring a catastrophic loss. Thus, one who loses one of the senses of the body (like the sense of hearing, seeing, etc) or a bodily function (like the ability to walk, talk, and others) can suffer all or some of the stages of grief. At this stage, let me continue with my series:

In Their Grief, They Found a Course – The Story of Louis Braille!
Louis Braille was born in a small town near Paris, France on the 4th of January, 1809. At the age of 3 while playing with tools in his father’s workshop, one of his eyes was accidentally struck by a sharp object. Even with the treatment he got, the wound got infected and the other eye was affected as well and at the age of 5, he became completely blind in both eyes. In spite of the loss of sight, with the help of his parents and others, he learnt how to live with his blindness. He had a bright and creative mind and was thus encouraged to seek higher education. On account of his intelligence and hard work, he was allowed to attend the National Institute for the Blind Youth in Paris. While in the school, himself and other students were taught how to read using a cumbersome system called the Hauy system which was invented by the founder of the school, Valentin Hauy. Hauy was not blind and the system he designed was more suited for those who were sighted. Louis Braille who was blind knew too well about the limitations of the Hauy system. All the same, he persevered in using it. He worked so hard and after completing the school’s curriculum, he was employed as a teacher’s aide in the school. Later at the age of 24, he was made a full Professor at the Institute where he taught history, geometry, and algebra. Because of his sharp sense of hearing, he also developed interest in music and later became an accomplished cellist and organist.

From a young age, he had felt the need to develop a simple means by which the blind can communicate with others by reading and writing. At the age of 12, he came across a French Army captain who had developed a system called ‘night writing’. It’s a list of codes which can be felt with the fingers and soldiers in the battle field use it to communicate without using a light source or talking. Finding the ‘night writing’ system too complex for the blind, but inspired by it, Braille worked relentlessly to develop his own system. At the age of 15, he had almost completed the system which formed the basis of reading and writing for the blind: the Braille system, which was named after him. He also adapted the system to write musical notes. Unfortunately, his system was not adopted in the Blind Institute where he taught for most of his life until 2 years after his death. He died in 1852 at the age of 43 due to complications of a respiratory disease, likely Tuberculosis. So, the system he designed only gained the much-deserved recognition after his death. Today, the Braille system is a household name in the world of the blind and beyond. He lost his sight at the age of 5, but he and his parents did not cower to that loss! He worked hard to make a difference. In his loss and grief, he found a course. I have a friend who is blind but he knows how to read and write in Braille. It’s always a thing of great joy to see him reading in Braille with his fingers. That would not have been possible without the life course taken by young Louis Braille. He’s noted for saying:

"Access to communication in the widest sense is access to knowledge, and that is vitally important for us if we [the blind] are not to go on being despised or patronized by condescending sighted people. We do not need pity, nor do we need to be reminded we are vulnerable. We must be treated as equals – and communication is the way this can be brought about.” – Wikipedia.org

(Specifics of the above story were sought from Wikipedia.org)

P.S. I wrote this piece a few days after the unfortunate crash of the Dana Airlines plane in Lagos on the 3rd of June, 2012. - Dr. Eugene A. O

Monday, 14 January 2013

A Joke a day keeps the doctor away! (14-01-13)


Juju Juju! One Italian man woke up in his house one morning and saw a wedding ring on his finger. He freaked: ‘Cosa! (meaning ‘what’)
To his surprise a black lady walked up to him in his bed-room. ‘Calmare.’ (meaning calm down). ‘Have you forgotten? We just came back from Nigeria where we did our traditional and white wedding. You are now my marito.’ (meaning husband)
The Italian man screamed: Dio mio (meaning oh my God) and fainted.
‘il mio amore, svegliati.(meaning my love, wake up) The honeymoon has just started.’

A word a day … (14-01-13)!



When you are far from home, at first you feel like a stranger. As time passes by you begin to feel at home and then you have this experience of having found a new home. At that point, you take for granted that you are far from home. But from time to time and every now and then you receive this jolting reminder that you are far from home and that there is no place that can take the place of your real home. Home is home.

Jokes in Pidgin English (11)



The pipeline explosion in Ogun State on Saturday reminded me of something. Nor be today this thing dey happen and we never still learn. Many years ago, pipeline explode for Jesse as men dey hustle to siphon fuel. E get one man wen escape the Jesse fire but he still get burn marks for em face. Sometime later, when another pipeline burst for Ogharra. The same man was seen with his burnt face hustling to siphon fuel. He never learn, abi? So, this man don turn veteran or professional for stealing fuel from burst NNPC pipelines. One day, another pipeline burst. This guy carry em 50L jerry can to go work again (ochofree). Na so the wife grab the guy, ‘ where you dey go? You nor dey go any way.’ Nor do nor do, na so the man drop em jerry can sit down for house make em nor bring quarrel. The wife deceive the man enter house, she come lock the door for outside so that the man nor go escape go another burst-pipeline-free-for-all-parade.
Much later, when the wife open door, na so my guy provoke: ‘What’s the meaning of all this? Why did you lock me inside?’
Wife: ‘Relax, you too like quarrel?’
Husband: ‘Why I nor go quarrel? You don make me loss this opportunity.’
Wife: ‘Cool down, save your energy. Look well. I don go fill the 50L jerry can with fuel. Oya, go sell am.’
Husband: ‘So, you go where the pipeline burst? You nor dey fear?
Wife: ‘Before unko. You think say i go let you go before. Who you wan die leave the 10 children for before?’

MY PIECE FOR TODAY {14-01-13} IN THEIR GRIEF, THEY FOUND A COURSE – MOHAMED BOUAZIZI AND THE ARAB AWAKENING! (GRIEF SERIES REDACTED VOL. 3)



It was once thought that a revolution was a far-fetched idea in the Arab world. Many were of the view that the people in the Arabic-speaking countries of Libya, Egypt, Syria and others were too naïve to foster the notion of a rebellion. In these countries were long-serving heads of states and presidents who lord it over their subjects. Perhaps, these leaders were also of the view that their people were incapable of leading movements that would lead to their ouster from power. For so many years that was the case. Different small groups sought the removal of these leaders from office but to no avail. But that was to end. One man changed the social stereotypes of the Arab people. It was not an army general. It was not a renowned academia or a social crusader. No, it was a street vendor in the name of Mohamed Bouazizi.

He lost his father to a heart attack when he was just 3 years of age. The mother later married one of his uncles. Along with his six siblings, he studied in a one-room village school. He started working at the age of 10 due to the poor health of the uncle who married his mother. He left school when he was a teenager to work full-time to support his family. He applied for jobs on several occasions with no success. He even wanted to enlist in the army but his request was denied. He resorted to using a wheelbarrow to sell small items like fruits and vegetables along the street in the area where he lived. Just like what I witnessed in the streets of Benin City where I schooled years ago, Bouazizi became a target of the local security personnel who constantly harassed him for a vendor’s permit. His items were confiscated on several occasions. Things came to a head in the morning of December 17th, 2010, when a group of local officials led by a female officer physically assaulted Bouazizi, confiscated his weighing scales and tossed aside his wheelbarrow. In anger, Bouazizi went to the administrative office to complain and demand his scales back but no one granted him audience. Out of sheer frustration, he went to a nearby fuel station, bought a can of fuel, came back to the government office, stood in the middle of the road, doused himself with the fuel and set himself ablaze, all the while saying, ‘How do you expect me to make a living?’ He was rushed to hospital and 18 days later on the 4th of January, 2011 he died on account of the severe burns he suffered during his self-immolation. His death and funeral sparked giant protests and in a matter of days those protests led to the end of the rule of Tunisian President, Ben Ali, who had ruled his country for 23 years. Before long, the protests spread to neighbouring Egypt and Libya with the ouster of their respective long-standing rulers. Yes! What was once thought to be impossible for years and decades came to pass in a matter of months.
(Specifics of this story was sought from wikipedia.org)

Please, don’t concentrate on the manner of death of Bouazizi. It’s abominable in almost every culture or religion to take your own life. But this is not just about him or his manner of death. Remember we defined grief in the first of these series as the ‘reaction to loss.’ Grief is not just about the manner of loss but it has to do with the way we respond to such loss. How did the Tunisians, the Egyptians, the Libyans and the rest of the Arab world respond to the death of Bouazizi? Their reactions and the consequent reverberations of those actions buttress the point: there is power in grief. In their grief over the death of Bouazizi, his country men and women found a course: the fight to make accountable those who created such an intolerable environment of greed and corruption vis-à-vis oppression of the disadvantaged majority of the population. You may not agree with the way they responded any more you agree on the manner of Bouazizi’s death. Some may even point to the uncertainties and insecurity in the region. But that is a subject of a different discourse. My point is: in grief, the people in the Arab world achieved in months what years and decades of other endeavours failed to achieve. These people have suffered and endured the same system and injustices for years and decades yet they did not revolt. Different activist groups and individuals in those countries and abroad have tried several times without success to galvanize the people to protests against their leaders. All these efforts were abortive. In the end, it was a death and the grief and sorrow that met with that death that led the people to find a course which led to the overthrow of leaders who had outlived a generation in their hold of power. Yes! In grief and deep sorrow, they found a course.

P.S. I wrote this piece a few days after the unfortunate crash of the Dana Airlines plane in Lagos on the 3rd of June, 2012. – Dr. Eugene A. O