Jokes in Pidgin English (19)

Police checkpoint!
Years ago, e get one road for South wen commercial vehicles dey pass everyday. E come get one police checkpoint for the road. The policemen dey collect 20naira from every motorist. One day, one commercial car driver reach the checkpoint; e come mistakenly give the police 50naira instead of 20naira. He drove a little further before he realized his mistake. This driver reverse back quickly.

E come tell the policeman: 'Oga, na 50naira I give you.'
Policeman say, 'eh en.' He come check see say na true. 'OK'
Driver: 'Abeg, give me change.'
D policeman then gave him change.
O boy, police checkpoint don turn marketplace. These days, how much you pay at checkpoint depends on your bargaining power and the degree of offense (quality of products). Listen:

Policeman: Oga, how far?
Driver: We dey manage.
Policeman: Wetin you get for us.
Driver: Oga, the road dry today.
Policeman: Road dry, road dry but your motor full o. E be like say you go park o.
Driver: Abeg, manage this one (holding a 20naira note.)
Policeman: That one nor reach na. You nor know say things don cost (as if he's buying and selling mkt items.) Double am joor.
Driver: Oga, manage am. You know say fuel don cost.
Policeman: Fuel dear na my name. If you nor take time, you go triple am for time wasting. By the way, wetin you carry? (now, he wants to check for something incriminating.)
Driver: Oya, take take (giving the policeman 40naira.)
That was the end of the bargain and the driver drove away. In his mind: 'ole buruku' (thief thief)
Policeman in his mind: 'You think say you smart. Yeye (foolish) man.'
My people, who be the fool, who be the mugu?

A word a day … (20-01-13)!

Prof Zini!
Back in school, I had a friend, fondly called Prof Zini. Zini was a bookworm extraordinaire. Anywhere and any time you see Zini, he’s always reading something. Then I would say, ‘Zini, so so read, you too read!’ In the class, in the hostel, you name it, you will find Zini reading. But guess what? On the day of the exams when many of us were carrying books and notes into the exam hall to read before the exams start proper, Zini came in with just his writing materials. He didn't take any other thing with him. He just sat down quietly waiting for the exam to start. As I was busy reading through some of my last minute jottings, I could not help but be amazed at Zini. I thought to myself, ‘Zini that reads all the time but on the day of the exam he felt he had read enough, it was time to deposit the stuff.’ I learnt a very vital lesson from my Prof Zini: there is a time for everything. There is a time to read and a time to be read. There is a time to read what others have said and written and there is a time for others to read what you've written. Kudos to him! You can learn a lot from people even when they are not aware of it!

A Joke a day keeps the doctor away! (20-01-13)

A friend of mine, Jude, once told me this joke way back. It essentially goes like this:
Two guys who have not seen each other before met and this conversation ensued:

1st guy: Hello John, you have really changed.
2nd guy (surprised): Do I know you?

1st guy: You were tall before, now you are short.
2nd guy (confused): What!

1st guy: You were dark before, now you are fair in complexion? 
2nd guy: You are mistaking me for someone else.

1st guy: O John, you were fat before, now you are slim.
2nd guy: For goodness sake, my name is Peter, not John.
1st guy: Oh… You have changed your name too.

Jokes in Pidgin English (18) - Languages (langua...)!

D way some words for some of our languages dey resemble English… na waoo. D one wen dey surprise me pass na Hausa. I never see like language wen resemble English like Hausa. e.g

English - Hausa
Thirty - Talatin
Sixty - Sittin 
Seventy - Saba’in 
Two (bi) - Biyu
Hand - Hanu
Back - Baya

And other words like that. I dey wonder whether na coincidence abi one language borrow words from another language. Well at least, the thin make some Hausa words dey easy to remember. E get words like ‘mota’ for car (motor), ‘Burodi’ for bread, those ones are understandable bcos they are new relative to how long the language has bn in existence.

When I dey secondary school, our Urhobo teacher dey teach us Parts of Speech like noun, pronoun,etc. he come tell us say dese words get Urhobo names. he come say 

Noun na ‘Ina’u’ for Urhobo
Adjective na ‘Ajekitivi’ in Urhobo…

We come dey laugh, we say, ‘O boy, our Urhobo Master don invent em own Urhobo, wetin be Ajekitivi, na everythin dey get Urhobo name.’ I wish I know about computer dat time I for ask am d Urhobo word for Computer. I dey sure say e for get something talk like, ‘Compu’tata’…. Otua’gheeee!

Jokes in Pidgin English (17) – Come enter!

Abeg my people, make who na remember say nor be every motor or drop person dey enter o. Before you enter any motor, whether na free lift or lift to pay in cash or kind, abeg look the faces wen dey the motor and use your instincts, if your mind tell you say 'nor enter! nor enter!', my guy nor enter o. Na so dat year wen i dey hustle for job for Abuja. I dey with one of my guys for Gwarinpa Estate. Every day, i go take drop go hunt for job. That time, na 400naira i dey pay for each drop. One day, i come out in d morning dey look for drop. Na so one man just drive come. D man dey smile one kind funny weird smile like say me na girl. I tell am where i dey go, i come ask am how much. D man say 100naira. I shock, place wen i dey enter 400naira everyday,sometimes na 500 i dey pay, dis man with em funny smile dey say 100naira. Fear catch me. I tell d man say,'Sorry ooo, I don change my mind. I nor go again'
D man say make i nor worry, 'enter'
I say, 'Bros, nor vex, i nor go again'
I come dey look the man. If dis man, use mistake come down, i go run like Usain Bolt. The man wait small, e come drive go.
O boy dat man make me fear dat day. Eh! Make i enter drop with that kind man, Abuja roads wen dey confuse person, before e go carry me lost, i nor go know.
My people, open your eyes. Stay safe! Peace!

A word a day … (19-01-13)!

My dad once told me, ‘You don't forget the things that are important to you.’ Whether or not you'll remember something is contingent on how important it is to you and the premium you place on it. For example, you can't forget your job interview date if you've spent months looking for a job. If you have been fighting for visa for months, you won’t forget the date of your next appointment with the embassy. The next time you forget something important, ask yourself, ‘Was it really that important to me? How much value do I place on the things that are meant to be important to me?’

A Joke a day keeps the doctor away! (19-01-13) – funny sights!

1. Many years ago, while traveling a road in the South I saw a road sign that reads, ‘Beware. Dangerous potholes ahead!’ It made me wonder, ‘Instead of putting up a road sign, why not use that money to fill up the potholes?’ Better still, let it read: ‘Beware. Dangerous people in charge!’

2. I was walking down one street in the North and I saw a board that reads: ‘JAMB for sale!’ It made me wonder, “Why put it that way, is it ‘JAMB form for sale’ or ‘JAMB exam for sale’ or ‘JAMB result for sale’ or ‘JAMB as a whole for sale’?” Answers: a) all of the above. b) none of the above c) only one of the above… (Please, note: negative marking applies. Leave blank if your brain is blank.)

3. On the back of a fuel tanker, below the sign that says: ‘highly inflammable’, there was another message, ‘Don’t trust girls.’ It made me wonder, ‘Why? What does ‘trusting girls’ have to do with ‘highly inflammable materials’? Too hot to handle? IEDs (Improvised explosive devices)? Carry fire extinguishers when going out on a date?

4. The opposite of correct is incorrect. The opposite of edible is inedible. Therefore the opposite of flammable should be inflammable. Hence, I wonder, ‘Why does the English dictionary say flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?’ English language, uhmmmmm. No comment. {Maybe, dem they play us ojoro}