A Joke a day keeps the doctor away (26-01-13) - Alarm/Alert!

Alert/Alarm!

There was this very rich man who built a big mansion and resort in a remote but picturesque environment. He had installed an alarm/alert system all over the mansion. In the front entrance there were cameras with video feeds going into a computer software program that has facial recognition capabilities. If he had guests, the faces of the guests are fed into the system for easy recognition.

So, for the fun of it, if he received unexpected guests, the system was designed to send an appropriate signal. The signal depends on how beautiful or ugly the face is: beautiful/handsome face gets a sweat melody while an ugly face gets a harsh warning message.

One of the man’s friends paid him a visit. The friend was curious. He wanted to find out the signals sent for previous guests.

‘Chief, when you received Genevieve (beautiful actress), what was the signal?’

‘Cool Celine Dion music. Lovely.’

‘What about Donald Duke (handsome politician)?’

‘Cool Lionel Richie track played.’

‘What about Weird MC (ugly musician)?

‘We heard harsh sounds: Please, be advised, there is a possible intruder approaching.’

‘Really…! What about Adams Oshiomhole (ugly politician)?’

‘We heard: Please, be advised a militant on a khaki outfit is approaching the perimeter.’

‘Really, what about Taribo West and Baba (wowo squared)?’

‘Well, the system crashed. We battled for months to fix it. Before it crashed, it kept sounding a very loud warning: This is an emergency. Unidentifiable aliens are on the approach. This system is going into lock-down. I repeat: Lock-down  Lock-down  This is not a drill.’

Life’s Paradox - A True Story!

Life! This world is an intriguing place. Lots of things happen everyday that give one cause to ponder on the intricacies of this life! An adult male raped an 8 year old girl. She was a school pupil returning from school when she was lured by the rapist into his home. Sadly, he violated that little girl. But that is not end of the story. Later, through the suspicion of the girl’s guardian, the man was apprehended and he confessed to the crime. At this point, the worry was on the health and well-being of this little girl. As a routine practice, she and the accused were screened for STIs (sexually transmitted diseases). What would you expect? You would not be surprised if the man turns out to have an STI. That would suit his profile. But alas, that was not the case. Allow me explain:

When the tests results came out, it turned out that the man was HIV negative but the 8-year old girl was HIV positive. The results were correct. How come? It was found out that the girl was an orphan. She lost both her parents to HIV/AIDS. She also has the disease from birth (vertical transmission from mother to child). She lives with a guardian and she receives anti-retroviral drugs (drugs used in the management of HIV/AIDS) from a hospital where such drugs were provided. But her rapist did not know that. How could he? All he saw was a vulnerable 8-year old pupil walking home from school and he had his way with her. Little did he know that that little girl had HIV! Little did he know that by taking advantage of that very little girl, he was putting himself at great risk of acquiring a life-long disease! How could he? He did not know that by violating the innocence of that child, his own body became guilty and vulnerable to an incurable disease. How would he?

The well-being of the little girl ought to be the focus of care-givers. But at that point when the results came out, he invariably became the focus of concern not because of the attention he got by committing such an abominable act, but because, now, he has to be on the look-out. While he may wait to get justice served in the court of law, as to this fact of been exposed to HIV, he need not wait. In a paradoxical sense, justice has been served. He would spend a many days wondering when his own test would turn positive. (Due to seroconversion, it takes a while for an exposed individual to turn out HIV positive.) No matter the eventual outcome, he would have gotten a big chunk of what he deserved and far more than he bargained for: no peace of mind and body.

It’s sobering to think about how things turn out for people who always seek to take advantage of others in a very unfair manner. Life! People get away with offenses like those of this man or so it seems. But, now and then we see dramatic and overt consequences to the actions of men. The little girl had the disease through no fault of hers. She was innocent all the same. Also, she was vulnerable and thus suffered scars that will burn deep in her childhood memories as a result of that attack. But her story, as sad as it was for her, in a way helps to tell a story and to teach a many lessons! The story of a shattered innocence and an unforgettable scar! The lessons of life’s paradox: those who seek the harm of others inadvertently expose themselves to harm and much more.

 

Jokes in Pidgin English – 27 (Chief Aro of Hall 3)

Funny things we don see! UNIBEN Days!

Those days wen I dey Hall 3 for UNIBEN, e get one very funny guy for Hall 3 that time. The guy funny so tail dem give am title, ‘Chief Aro of Hall 3.” The word ‘aro’ suppose mean ‘craze’ or ‘mad’ man because it’s thought to have originated from the location of the Neuropsychiatric Hospital in Nigeria which was located in a town called Aro in Abeokuta. In UNIBEN then, many of the very funny guys then are thought to act crazy in a very jovial way. Hence, they were called ‘aros.’

 

Back to my story. This guy funny die. When he dey joke, na so e dey demonstrate like ‘I go die.’ As this guy come funny, no body dey take am serious. Anything wen e do, people go think say na joke e dey joke. Na so one day, this guy come dey sick, no body know. As e dey waka for Hall 3 near porter’s lodge (entrance), na so this guy collapse. Wen the guy collapse, people come dey laugh, dem think say na joke the guy dey joke. O boy, after some time, wen dem see say d guy nor dey move, na’im dem rush the guy, ‘Chief Aro dey die ooo’. Dem rush the guy go health-cente. Na God save d guy dat day ooo. Na so play play play play, the guy for die because of aroism. Anyways, he survived to continue the spirit of Aroism.

Jokes in Pidgin English (26)

School days, Money palaver!
Those days for school, man pikin see things! E get one guy wen things dey hard for sch, no money. E come travel go visit one of him uncles to collect dough (money). Wen e reach the uncle place, the uncle tell am, ‘You nor know say things hard for this side. The money wen you take enter motor travel come here, why you nor use am take manage for school?’ My guy frustrate.

E get one day wen things hard me for school, I come go visit one of my buddy for help. Wen I reach the guy place, I come tell am the purpose of my visit. Na so the guy come start to tell me em problems ooo. O boy, wen my guy talk all em problems finish, I come forget about my own problem, I come dey pity the guy. I say, ‘Bros, nor worry, God dey! God dey!’ Na me wen commot from school come look for money, na me come dey console my guy wen dey work. O boy nor be small something!

E be like a man wen lose 1,000 naira for road. He come dey complain. He come meet him friend to tell am his ordeal. This man dey cry say him lose 1K. This em friend come tell am say he ma lose 1million for him business. O boy, na to forget about the 1K and begin wail over 1million oh bcos if you dey cry say you lose 1K, wetin you go do if you lose 1million. Uhmmm. No comment. Life ma nor easy oh!

I Love Pidgin English Talk Talk (6)

Funny things wen man don see - 419 Part 2.

You remember those days wen banks never full everywhere. No ATM that time. If you wan withdraw money from bank, you must go the branch of the bank where you take open the account, to withdraw the money. That time wen I dey school for Benin, and I open account for Delta. So if I wan collect money from my account, I go carry my passbook, travel go Delta State, withdraw the money, enter motor come back to Benin. Person go travel about 50km just to withdraw money. After some time I come open account for Benin, but na Akpakpava Road na’em the Branch of the bank dey and me dey Ugbowo. So if I wan withdraw money, I go take motor go Ring Road, enter another motor go Akpakpava Road. Now wen I remember those days and now wen banks and ATM don full everywhere I go dey laugh.

 

Na so, one day I comot from school go Akpakpava go withdraw money. Wen I withdraw finish, I enter Ring Road motor. Wen I drop from Ring Road, I come dey trek go where I go enter Ugbowo motor Park. Ring Road for Benin don teach me lesson before. E get one night for Ring Road wen dem pocket-pick the whole money wen dey my pocket. Na beg I beg before I see 20naira enter Ugbowo motor. I nor know how the person take pick my pocket. I only remember say I dey think wetin I go use my money buy wen somebody use body jam me. I sure say na that guy pick my pocket. From that night, anytime I enter Ring Road I dey dey vigilant.

 

So on that day wen I dey talk about b4, me and my money wen I withdraw from bank, come dey trek thru Ring Road. Na’em one man use e body jam me. As d guy jam me, I quickly put hand for my pocket, palpate the money wen I carry. Wen I see say the thing dey intact, na so I turn look the man wen jam me. D man dey say, ‘eh, you nor dey look where u dey go.’ See me see wahala, person wen use body jam me, na em still dey claim right. Na’im I bone d guy, dey waka my own dey go. As I waka small, one woman wen carry pickin for back come tap me, ‘go tell am sorry’. Shuooooo! The woman wen carry pikin dey tell me say make I go tell the man wen jam me sorry. O boy, na den I know say na 419 people. Fear catch me. How this people take know say I carry money 4 pocket. O boy, na so I waka quick quick comot from there before I come go forget myself. 419 people, the time wen dem dey take plan all their strategy, e nor reach dem to find better work?

A Joke a day keeps the doctor away (25-01-13)

When you fall asleep; it’s like when a computer or phone is put off. When you wake up; it’s like when a computer or phone is put back on. It will take a while to boot. While booting, the system can’t work effectively. Likewise, when we wake up from sleep, it will take a while for our brains to boot. For some their brains boot faster than others. It also depends on how you woke up: suddenly or gradually. The slower you wake up, the more efficient the booting.

Thievery! One guy fell asleep after a marathon of hard work. While asleep someone broke into his apartment and made away with some of his valuables. Finally, he woke up.

(Brain is booting) ‘Wow! I must have slept for hours.’ He said to himself. He then noticed his door was opened. ‘Oh, my door is open. I must have left it opened. Oh, I keep forgetting to lock my door. One day, thieves will come in and steal my things.’

(Brain is still booting) He went to the door to close it when he noticed that the lock was damaged. ‘Locks these days, they don’t last. I have to call a carpenter to fix it.’ He now saw a neighbour passing by: ‘Juliet, please do you know a carpenter around? The lock to my door is bad. I need a carpenter to fix it.’
Juliet answered: ‘There is a carpenter in the adjoining street.’
My guy: ‘Thanks, I’ll go and change so that I can go call him.’
He now entered his house.

(Brain finished booting and he came back to his full senses) While searching for what shirt to put on, he noticed something was not right. His things were scattered all over the place. He suddenly realized someone broke into his house to steal. ‘What! My phones! My Blackberry! My laptop! O my God. (With both hands on his head) Why? Why? Oh Why…….

Don’t ask me if he went for the Carpenter or the Police. Just tell him: ‘Sorry o! Such is life o. As far as there is life, there is hope. It could have been worse!’

Something New!

My Secondary School Principal once told me that the most difficult thing to do in this world is to start something new. The tasks that appear most difficult to us are those that we've never undertaken before. A new venture, a new challenge, a new job, a new environment, a new home, those are the most difficult moments in any man's life. The question is as always, 'How can i cope?' But in reality, we can never tell how hard or easy a task is until we've tried it. Never adjudge a task as impossible until you've made an effort at it. Remember, as much as other humans have done it before, you can do it only if you try. Also, things like airplanes, cars, mobile phones, the internet and others were once considered impossible. What if the inventors said, 'No man has done this before,' and thus settle for their convenient daily routines, we won't be having this medium of interaction. Bear in mind, the most crucial and important step is the very first step. If you doubt it, ask a child taking his/her first step. If only you can understand his/her blah blah blah, you'll understand and agree with me. The prospect of failing does not stop him/her from trying again. How amazing it is to see the beams of smile and joy they have when they succeed in taking their first step. The parents of that child also feel the joy. It's thrilling to successfully undertake something new. Try something new but worthy today and have the joys of a worthy and successful endeavour. Enjoy!