Jokes in Pidgin English (6) - ‘Who be husband, who be in-law?'

My people. E get one guy, d guy is short, I mean briefly summarized and abridged. Na so my guy see one girl wen e like. E talk to d girl, d girl agree. So, d guy say make him go see d girl parents. D guy come dey fear say d girl parents nor go like am. D girl tell am say nor worry, ‘my parents re very understanding.’ D mistake wen d guy make, e come go take one of em tall friends say make him escort am go d girl parents place. As dem reach d girl parents house. D girl and d tall guy first come down. My guy wen propose come come down, go d boot of d car go carry d girl load. Em tell d girl and d friend say make dem go inside, him dey come. As my guy dey carry d girl load dey come, wen d girl mother see d short man wen dey carry load dey come, she nor know say dat na d prospective in-law, she don conclude say na d tall friend be d man wen wan marry her daughter. Dis woman come tell d guy wit load, thinking dat he’s a cab driver, ‘eh… u can leave d load there and go back, some1 will come and carry it.’ My guy confuse. E nor know d mouth wen he go take tell d woman say na him be d main guy. Na d girl come rush tell d mother say dat man nor be driver, ‘na him I wan marry’…. O boyeee, as P-square sing am,‘d girl I wan carry, na d girl I wan marry….'

Jokes in Pidgin English (5) - Keeping Space!

Some people like to keep space. Dem nor dey like to wait for line or queue. “Please, I’m behind you.” “This is my space, I came before you.” Shuooo! Everywhere, dem go keep space.
For school, dem go keep sit for class.
For work place, dem go keep space.
For public bus, dem go keep sit.
In the bank, dem go keep space, ‘Please, I’m behind you.’ One day, I go bank. I dey queue, one guy come, ‘Are u d last on d line? Please, I’m behind you.’ Later, one lady come, ‘Are u d last person on d line?’ ‘No, someone is behind me.’ ‘ OK, please, I’m behind d person that is behind you.’ I keep quiet, I nor talk. I don dey vex inside. Na so one guy come, ‘Are you d last person on the line?’ ‘No, two persons are behind me.’ ‘ OK, I’m behind them. Please, I’m coming.’ Na so I provoke, ‘Hello, what do you take me for? Do I look like a security man? I came here to make bank transactions, not to keep spaces for people. I don’t care whether u are behind me or not.’ See me see wahala. Wen u small, na bad thing? Dem just wan use me do security man. I nor blame dem.
Even in d Hospital, patients dey keep space. When dem come back, na quarrel, ‘I came b4 u. I was standing like dis, doing like dis wen u came.’ Shuoo, why can’t people just stay in one place, for goodness sake!

D one wen dey pain me pass na relationships. Some people dey keep space for relationship. One guy see one fine girl wen em like. He come talk to d girl. D girl like d guy but she say, ‘There are two other guys who are interested in me.’ Dis guy say, ‘No problem, just keep me in mind, if things doesn’t work out with dem, I’m next in line.’ Shuoooo… Next in line. In other words, I’m behind d first two guys. How u call dat one, nor be space dis guy dey keep so? Cheeei. Me, I nor get time for 'smell smell', what’s mine is mine. I nor dey keep space. Time and life is too short to be spent in keep ‘spaces’.

For some, it’s a habit. They will never stay on the line. They also carry this attitude into other facets of their life. Granted, there are times when we can’t afford to stand or wait in a long queue, but it shouldn’t be all the time and at every instance. I’m just saying sha… What do I know?

Jokes in Pidgin English (4) – Asking coded questions!

E get people wen dey like to ask 4 thins indirectly. I wonder why. If u re in need of something, why not go straight to d point and ask for it. E.g. E get one guy wen dey look 4 money to borrow. So, dis guy see em colleague for em work place, instead of asking directly, d guy say: 'Na waoo. Thins hard o. I wish man pikin (3rd person narrative)
fit see person wen go borrow am 5K, e for better o.'
D colleague reply: 'Na wa o. These days, thins hard o. Man pikin just dey manage ooo.'
D question now is, 'na who be man pikin?' Wat is wrong wit, 'I'm broke. Pls, can u help me wit 5k? I'll pay u back.'

E get some people wen dem dey hungry and no money for hand, instead of asking directly, dem go say loudly to themselves to d hearing of others: 'Na waoo. D way my belle dey do me since morning, i nor understand o. (wetin u nor understand? U re hungry na.) Na where man pikin fit greeje (chop/eat) dis afternoon?' My people, is dis man asking for help? What is wrong with, 'Can u pay for my lunch; I’m hungry and I’m broke.'

Someone closed frm work. No transport money to go home. D guy dey talk to himself in d presence of others: 'oh ooo. How man fit reach house today? Pocket dry. I wish I go see free ride home.' Pls, has this man asked for help? What is wrong with, 'Can u give me a lift? Can u help me with transport?'

One man went out with d girlfriend. After eating in a very expensive restaurant, they passed by a boutique. D girl saw one nice dress on display. She said: 'OMG, look at that lovely dress. So beautiful, honey, do u think it will look fine on me?'
Man: Yes, I think so.
Lady: Honey, let me go inside and try it on to see if it's my size.
Man: No problem, when u re thru, meet me at home.
Lady: Honey, ain't u going to stay wit me while I try it on.
Man: Sorry, I can't. Looks like I have stomach upset from d food I ate. I need to be home ASAP.
My people, all these effizy and talk from d lady could have bn summarized in one simple statement: 'Honey, I love dat dress. Can I have it?' Shikena!

Jokes in Pidgin English (3) – Shortie!

Abeg nor be quarrel, na joke. U know say short people like us nor dey let other people hear word: bla bla bla bla... No end. Na joke ooo: e get one short man who sought to correct d vertical challenges in his future children. E come see 1 fine tall authen babe. D problem be say dis guy nor arrange (no money). Instead of d lady to say she nor go fit marry poor man, she say she nor fit marry short man. Dis guy name na Paul. Lady name na Cynthia. Nor do nor do, Paul go hustle, make enough money. One day as he dey cruise town wit em car, e come see Cynthia for road. He give Cynthia lift. When he drop Cynthia, as a gentleman, he come down, come open d passenger door so dat Cynthia go come down. Cynthia come dey trip. She look Paul, she say:
'Paul, Paul, u don dey tall ooo'
Paul reply:
'Cynthia, Cynthia, u don dey blind ooo.'

Jokes in Pidgin English (2) – You wan fall in Love? (Remix)

Those days for Uniben! E get one guy wen dey go out with one girl, professing undying love, ‘I will die for you’. My guy nor know say the girl original boyfriend na one top cult guy. You know girls wen dey like to keep their options open, in case yanwa gas for one end. When the cult guy hear say one guy don fall in love with em girlfriend, d guy arrange some of em boys make dem go handle d girlfriend lover. Na’em dem hijack lover boy go one corner. Dem give d guy pep talk: 

Cult guys: When Adam fall in love with Eve, wetin happen?
Lover guy (confused): Adam commit sin
Cult guys: No, wetin happen to Adam last last?
Lover guy: Adam die.
Cult guys: Good. When Romeo fall in love with Juliet, wetin happen?
Lover guy: Romeo die.
Cult guys: Good. When (name withheld, to avoid stories dat touch) fall in love, wetin happen?
Lover guy: He die.
Cult guys: Good, you wan fall in love?
Lover guy: Nooo, Bros abeg I nor wan fall in love ooo. Abeg!
Cult guys: Good, if you nor wan fall in love, you know dat girl…. Stay away from her.

My people, I wonder wetin my guy go tell d girl d next time dem jam. ‘Baby, you know you are so beautiful. I’m so scared of falling in love with you. You deserve someone better. I don’t deserve you.’ Afraid nor go make my guy yan d truth. In dis case, d truth is not only bitter but deadly.

Jokes in Pidgin English (1) – Names can be misleading!

Nor be name when person bear dey show wetin the peron fit do oh. Sometimes, names can be misleading (dat na Pidgin English?). Those days for school, for my room for hostel we get one Electrical Engineering student. This guy dey read, I mean he dey move stuff. But if we get electrical fault in our room, this guy dey dodge. Our room no light, other rooms get light. Where Electrical Engineer? No where to be found. Hot plate is faulty. Engineer is AWOL. One day, we challenge d guy, ‘Ha ha! Nor be Electrical Engineer u be, why u nor dey help repair electrical faults in the room? D guy say, ‘I learn about the designs. Those problems are managed by local and manual repairers. When I graduate, within few mths of practice, I will learn all those local stuff.’ Hausa man say, ‘tuo!’ My guy if u get light problem, u come put hope on an Electrical engineer friend wen dey learn design, na u know. Darkness may well be ur portion.

If u carry Mechanical Engineer for your car, your car come break down in d middle of nowhere, u come put hope on your Mechanical Engineer passenger, o boy, na suffer oh. Nor think say since ‘mechanic’ is in 'Mechanical', so therefore ur car problem will be handled. Na lie oh. Nor be by name oh. Na by experience oh.

One day, I enter market for Kano, I come dey hear ‘Doctor, Doctor,’ I turn round thinking say na person wen know me. Wen I turn, I come see d original doctor wen dem dey call: one matured man selling drugs, he wear one old discoloured white coat. For em mind, na Doctor abi? The day yanwa go gas, u go know say it’s not by name nor by title but by u know na…. no need to expatiate.

Don’t be misled!

A Joke a day keeps the doctor away! (08-01-13)

There was this guy named John. He loved using high-sounding words in his everyday conversations. Listen:

Friend: Hello John, how was your night?

John: I had immense glee in my nocturnal slumber.

Friend: John, you look exhausted. How was work today?

John: I’m completely spent in my mundane aspirations to garner a means of livelihood.

One morning, John saw a friend. Listen:

John: Blissful dawn! May your diurnal course overflow with transcendental benevolence!

Friend: John the Grammarian. Same to you! Same to you! Carry go!

Sadly, on one fateful day, John’s house was on fire. He ran out to call for help. He saw some of his neighbours. Listen:

John: Please, kindly assist in extinguishing the conflagration that has beset my domicile.

They ignored him: ‘This guy with em too much grammar (grammarian)’

John: Please, my house has been engulfed with a raging inferno that threatens to pulverize all my lifelong attainments.

He was ignored. When he finally realized the dire nature of the situation and how helpless he was, he shouted:

‘Please, my house is on fire. Abeg, my house dey burn ooo. Help! Help! Help ooo.’

Neighbours: ‘Eh en….. John, so you sabi this one? (So, you can speak this way?)’