Jokes in Pidgin English (10)

Once upon a time, there was John going out with Mary. Things nor work out as planned, so dem come separate/break-up. Later later, Mary come enter another relationship with another person. Na so she pick phone call John: ‘Hello, John, I've entered a new relationship.’

When she dey engaged, she call John again, ‘Hello John, please rejoice with me, oh. I’m engaged to Peter.’

When the marriage date reach, she call John: ‘Johnny Johnny, I’m getting married, oh.’

When she born her first child: ‘John, I’ve put to birth.’

When the pikin begin waka: ‘Johneee, Junior has started walking.’

My people, why is John receiving regular updates from his ex? Wetin dey her mind true true: ‘John, see you na. Wen you leave me that time, you think say my own nor go better, abi?. See me naaaaaaaaaa. I don engage. I don marry. I don born. My own don better.’

All this while, John nor complain. So, later later, things come dey happen for John side, he come decide to retaliate:

‘Hello Mary, how far now? I don travel out oh.’

‘Hello, Marianno, how Junior? I don marry one whiteeee. Check Facebook you go see the pictures.’

‘Hello, Mary Mary, I don born whiteeee. Na girl, so I call am Maria-bet.’

‘Hello, Mary. I dey come Naija next month. I go like take my family come visit you.’

Mary reply: ‘Wetin, wetin. Na only u first travel out. Which one be this one na. Abeg, nor call me again. You dey disturb me.’

John: ‘Mary, nor vex. Calm down now… hello… hello…hello (the number you are calling is switched off..... The number you are calling no longer exist in our network. Please, check your number and dial again...)

End of tory!  

A Joke a day keeps the doctor away! (13-01-13)

Poor man! Let’s call him John. He woke up one morning and set out for work. He met his neighbour as he walked along. ‘Good morning!’

Neighbour replied: ‘Hello, how do you do?’

When he got to work, he greeted his co-worker. The co-worker replied:

‘Hello, you look dull. Did you sleep at all? What did you do?’

When he closed from work, he paid his best friend a visit. Jane has been a close friend for years and has been expecting her guy to man up and take their friendship to the next level. So, on this fateful day, Jane raised the issue again:

“You know we are not getting younger. All our mates are now married. Please, when are we going to say, ‘I do.’?”

John thought to himself:

‘How come every one is saying ‘do,’ ‘do,’ ‘do.’ today? Well, it’s night time. I’m done for today. Let me go to bed.’

While asleep, he had a dream. In his dream, a mad man was running after him with a cutlass. John was running as fast as he could all the while screaming, ‘What did I do? What did I do? What did I do?’ The mad man replied in a song:

‘Do me, I do you oh, o yeah! I nor run anymore. If I dey run before oh, I nor run anymore. If you do me, I go do you. Face me, I go face you. Rock me, I go rock you.’

John: ‘I nor do you anything oh.’ ‘I nor do nothing oh.’

Mad man: ‘You come knock on my door oh. E don happen oh. The thing wen you dey find oh, you go see am oh.’

John stepped on something and fell down. The mad man closed in on him and raised the cutlass to strike. At that moment, John woke up.

He suddenly realized he was having a nightmare. He shouted:

‘Wetin I do when you love me so. Jesus I love you oh, wellu wellu. Eh eh en, wellu wellu.’

Please, let’s call him John Dodo or John Doe. That’s it. I’m done.

A word a day … (13-01-13)!

While no one has it all, some certainly have it more. Nonetheless, what is more important is how well you make use of what you have. More often than not we focus on what we don’t have rather than on what we do have. Instead of asking, ‘How can I get what I don’t have?’ why not ask, ‘What can I do with what I have? How can I make better use of what I have now?’?

MY PIECE FOR TODAY (GRIEF SERIES 2, REDACTED) - THE POWER OF GRIEF – IN THEIR GRIEF AND SORROW, THEY FOUND A COURSE!

The events of the last 72 hours got me thinking about grief. I have had my own share of grief and as a student of human nature I've keenly observed the grieving process. So it amazes me that something as negative as grief can have very productive and positive outcomes. Before I jump the gun, let me start by defining some relevant terms in relation to my discourse. First, what is grief? According to Wikipedia, ‘Grief is a multi-faceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond was formed. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, it also has physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, and philosophical dimensions. While the terms are often used interchangeably, bereavement refers to the state of loss, and grief is the reaction to loss.’ It also goes on to explain “‘the Kübler-Ross model’, commonly known as the five stages of grief. The popular but largely untested theory describes in five distinct stages how people deal with grief and tragedy. Such events might include being diagnosed with a terminal illness or enduring a catastrophic loss. The five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.” The New International Webster’s Comprehensive Dictionary of the English Language (Encyclopedic Edition, 2010) states, ‘Grief is acute mental pain resulting from loss, misfortune, or deep disappointment. Grief is more acute and less enduring than sorrow.’ Put simply, grief is how we react to loss, especially the loss of someone or something with which we have formed a bond. Humans have responded to grave losses in one way or another. Looking at how different individuals or groups have responded to a loss help underscores the power of grief. Many in their grief found a purpose, a mission, a vision and a goal to which they earnestly pursued all their lives. Yes, in their grief and deep sorrow, they found a path and a course to which their lives were geared.

The power of grief is no where more explicit than in the Bible. In the book of Ecclesiastes 7: 1 – 8 which states in parts, ‘A name is better than good oil, and the day of death than the day of one’s being born. Better is it to go to the house of mourning than to go to the banquet house, because that is the end of mankind; and the one alive should take it to his heart… The heart of the wise ones is in the house of mourning… Better is the end afterward of a matter than its beginning.’ This portion underlines the fact that a lot can be learnt in grief. Grief has led many to pursue life choices and careers that changed the course of history. People often say that sports unite the world but I can arguably say that nothing has united the world as much as the grief felt earth wide in response to tragedies and disasters. Remember 9/11 and the Earthquake and Tsunami in the Indian Ocean in 2004. In our communities and societies, in the sheer moments of grief and sorrow, everyone stands together irrespective of the race, the tribe, the social class, or the religious affiliation of the individuals in that community or group. At this point, I’m starting a series titled: ‘In their grief and sorrow, they found a course!’ I will begin this series with two examples:

In Their Grief and Sorrow, They found a Course - Dora Akunyili and her fight against fake drugs!

Professor Dora Akunyili needs no introduction. She was the name of the struggle to eradicate fake and substandard drugs from Nigeria for so many years. You may wonder why she was so passionate in the crusade against counterfeit drugs. She has stated in so many of the interviews she granted during her tenure as the head of NAFDAC (National Agency for Food and Drugs Administration and Control) that her determination to wage this war on fake drugs was driven by memories of a personal tragedy. ‘Her 21-year-old diabetic sister, Vivian, died in 1988 because of a fake insulin injection.’ (Sourced from www.eyesonmalaria.com) Yes! In her grief and sorrow over the loss of her sister, she found a course. Armed with her professional knowledge and experience, she took the fight to the manufacturers, marketers, importers and all the players in the fake drugs empire. Her success was not only in fighting the production and sales of fake drugs, better still, she led a very productive enlightenment campaign raising the awareness of Nigerians on the dangers of fake drugs. Today, before buying certain items, people commonly ask, ‘Where is the NAFDAC number?’ A sad and painful event as the death of a sibling has inspired one individual to effect so much change in a system plagued with endemic malpractices. There is power in grief!

In their Grief and Sorrow, They found a Course – The Story of Etan Patz!

Ethan Kalil Patz was a six years old American boy who lived with his parents in New York City in the late 70’s. He desperately sought the parents’ permission to walk alone to the school bus stop which was just two blocks away from their apartment. On Friday, May 25th, 1979, his wish was granted. He left his apartment alone for the first time to catch the school bus at the bus stop but he never made it there. He was never seen again. The police and the neighbours engaged in one of the largest search for a missing child in American history. His father was a professional photographer and had earlier taken pictures of his son. Those pictures were also used in the search for him. His pictures were printed on many posters and milk cartons. The story of his disappearance brought grief to the hearts of many Americans. It inspired the missing children movement and led to the milk carton campaigns of the mid-1980s. His picture was the first to be used in that campaign. Legislative changes were made on account of that incident. The day of Etan Patz's disappearance, May 25, has been designated National Missing Children's Day in the US since its declaration by President Ronald Reagan in 1983. (Sourced from Wikipedia) Three years later, an international day was created on the same date to build awareness on missing children in different countries of the world. The disappearance of Ethan also made parents to re-evaluate the ways they train their children and also on ways to keep them from harm. This has also led to the aggressive Amber Alert system where security agencies seek the help of the public in searching for missing children through television announcements and postings on electronic highway billboards. In Europe, the disappearances of 3 years old Madeline McCann while his British family were on vacation in Portugal in 2007, and 9 years old Estelle Mouzin in France in 2003, have helped revolutionized the way missing children cases are handled in Europe. The case of Estelle helped give rise to France’s abduction alert system in 2006. Since then it has been used successfully on several occasions to locate missing children. Yes! In grief, not only individuals but groups and nations have found a course that has helped other victims who suffer the same fate.

P.S. I wrote this piece a few days after the unfortunate crash of Dana Airlines plane in Lagos on the 3rd of June, 2012. - Dr. Eugene A. O

Jokes in Pidgin English (9)

Funny thin wen we dey see and hear!

You don ever pass one quiet street, only you, you come jam one big man wen nor wear shirt hold sharp cutlass dey waka towards you. O boyee. U go first confuse, whether make u run go back or make u begin dey greet d guy from distance so dat e mind go cool down b4 u near am. Well, maybe na just farmer wen dey go farm and d cutlass na wetin e go use for farm. But how u wan take dey sure say he means no harm. For my hometown, na so I jam one farmer like dat one day. D farmer nor wear shirt, e hold cutlass for hand wen e go use for farm. I nor sure say I don greet person pass d way I greet dat man dat day. Na from distance d greeting start, ‘Brother digwo! Digwo broda! Digwo broda!’ repetition 4 emphasis in case e nor hear d first time.

E come get one guy wen dey say em blind, e nor dey see, e dey use long stick dey waka. Na so d guy enter one quiet road. Na only him dey. E come dey waka freely e nor dey use d stick. After few minutes, na em sight one man dey come from distance. D blind guy quickly arrange em stick, dey form blind guy. As e come dey near d other man, e come see say d guy nor wear shirt and e hold one sharp new cutlass. O boy, na so d blind man stop. E dey reason: ‘dis man wen nor wear shirt and e hold cutlass, na farmer abi na ritualist? Wen e see say d cutlass guy don dey near am, e come remember say, sometimes, na disable people dem take do ritual pass. O boy, na so d blind man, leave e stick dey tear race dey go. D cutlass man dey tell am say ‘eh, u  forget ur stick ooo!’ o boy, blind man nor send. 4 em mind, safety first!

O boyee.. wetin people nor go do to survive 4 dis naija!

A Joke a day keeps the doctor away! (12-01-13)

Folks! When you fall asleep; it’s like when a computer or phone is put off. When you wake up; it’s like when a computer or phone is put back on. It will take a while to boot. While booting, d system can’t work effectively. Likewise, when we wake up from sleep, it will take a while for our brains to boot. For some their brains boot faster than others. It also depends on how u woke up: suddenly or gradually. The slower you wake up, the more efficient the booting. The story goes like so:

There was this university undergraduate (I nor call person name ooo) who was preparing for exams. A night to the exam, he studied late into the night. He slept very late (Brain was fagged out.) Exam was to start 8am. My guy woke up by 9am. Listen:

(Brain still booting) He stood up. ‘Waoh! I need to read for my exams tomorrow’ He carried his book and started reading. (His mates were almost half-way into d exams he was reading for)

(Brain still booting) ‘Uhmmm! Let me cram this area of concentration (AOC) that our lecturer gave us.

(Brain finished booting. He then remembered.) ‘O MY GOD! Today is d day of d exam. O mine. What! It’s 9:15am and exam ought to start by 8am. Oh no. Nooooooo!’

He then rushed to d exam hall. Don’t ask me how it ended. Just tell ‘am’: ‘sorry.’

A word a day … (12-01-13)!

I don't need to know so much about you.

I know enough: you are human!

You don't have to tell me everything about  

youself.

I know enough: you are a human being!

I can not presume to know exactly what 

difficulties you are going through but I 

know enough: life is tough. So, take heart 

people!