Jokes in Pidgin English (16)

‘I wanna go!’
Somebody ask me why I dey like to write write online, I tell d guy, “See, guy now is the time to discover other talents ooo. Because the way things dey change for Naija now, make you nor wake up one day, dem say Naija don turn to Jamaica ooo. Because if Naija change to Jamaica, if you nor sabi, ‘what ah guan?’ na wahala ooo.”
This thin come make me remember one staff wen dey work with me those days. She dey assist me dey interpret. Dis lady, uhmmmm! She dey speak Special English. English wen nor be Pidgin English and nor be good English. English wen I never hear for my life before. I dey use sense dey listen so dat she nor go interpret toxic stuff to me or the patient. Any time wen I see say she dey stammer, ‘em eh em eh’ I know say na toxic stuff dey come. So I go rewind wetin I talk. This lady, any time patients don finish, if she wan go house, she go say ‘I wanna go.’ E be like say dat na the English wen she learn from India films.
Na so, every day wen we close, ‘I wanna go’…. ‘I wanna go’
So one day, she wan go collect something outside then she go come back later, she say, ‘I wanna came’
Na so I quickly tell her, ‘before u wanna came, me I wanna go ooo’
Na so I take comot o… It's all good. All join! Enjoy!

A Joke a Day keeps the Doctor away (18-01-13) -3

In Remembrance - UNILAG/MAUL Saga - Part 3

Now wen Unilag don turn to MAU (d sound resemble d sound wen cow, namanama, dey make) and LUTH don turn MAUTH (sounds like mouth), medical students in LUTH and doctors wen finish frm LUTH nor go get MAUTH to talk again.
'Hey u, which teaching hosp did u finish frm?'
'MAUTH' (in whispers)
'Come again, is somethin wrong with ur MOUTH? Speak up!'
'I said MAUTH, Sir!'

Imagine medical student from LUTH dey follow dat from UBTH dey quarrel. Maybe dem jam for NIMSA Games.
LUTH: dat na my space na. Wetin u dey do there?
UBTH: See ur MAUTH. Who give u space here? People dey talk, u still get MAUTH to talk.
LUTH: I nor blame u. If nor be dat man wen resemble ...., go change d name of my sch, u for nor dey talk dis na.
UBTH: MAUTH, keep ur MAUTH shut. If i slap dis ur MAUTH, u go resemble d man wen give una dat name.

Ayaaaaa.... I dey pity for Unilag students and graduates. No more swags and phonetics. Listen:
Guy: Hi, i'm Sam. What's ur name?
Lady: i'm Angela but my friends call me Angie (see fonee)
Sam: I finishd from Uniport. What sch did u finish from?
Angie: (hesitantly) em em eh eh (she go come give d history of her school), actually i finishd from the University of Lagos, Unilag(fonetically) but i learnt the name has bn changed to ....(pretending she's forgotten)
Sam: Oh! U mean MAU?

O girl, na dere swag take end o. Ayaaaa.. I dey follow una dey mourn d death of swag and fonee..

A Joke a day keeps the doctor away! (18-01-13) -2

In Remembrance: UNILAG/MAUL Saga (2)

Latest Edition of 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?'
Frank Edoho: The next question will give you 1 million Naira. It goes like this:
Which of the following is the current name of the Federal University in Lagos:
A) Moshood Abiola University (MAU 'like d sound of cows')
B) Moshood Abiola Lagos University (MALU 'like the cows in d North')
C) Moshood Abiola University Lagos (MAUL 'like the actions of a mad cow on a bystander')
D) Moshood Abiola Nigeria University (MANU 'like d Red Devils of England')
Contestant was confused. He said, 'Let me phone a friend, Baba'
Baba is a core Yoruba man. After Frank has finished reading the questions, Baba laughed, 'Frank Frank, ejooo... You dey make me laugh ooo., Please, call the Rock. It's like the boy i left there is taking too much shekpe and agbo,.. they re acting comedy in my Rock. Please, any of the above is the answer ojare.

A Joke a day keeps the doctor away! (18-01-13) -1

In Remembrance: UNILAG/MAUL Saga (1)

There was this man named Kalu, he had a son called Johnbull. Johnbull was a very stubborn son. One day, Mr kalu sent his son on an errand to buy cow meat. Instead of buying cow meat, Johnbull bought goat meat. The father was so angry:
"Johnbull, why did you buy goat meat instead of the cow meat i sent u?"
"Papa, i'm tired of eating cow meat, let's eat goat meat today for a change"
"My friend, who are you to tell me what and what to eat? Go back to the market and change it to cow meat."
"Father, i can't. The man won't accept it"
"I don't care. Go and change it now"
"Father, i'm not going", said Johnbull walking away.
"Johnbull, where do you think you are going? I say Johnbull come here.
If you don't come back here, as the head of this house, i will change your name to Maubull"
"Father, don't worry, I've already changed my surname to Ma'lu, everyday cow meat, everyday cow meat. Ha. Ha. One day, cow meat will grow in our stomach."

A word a day … (18-01-13)!

Once in a while, in the course of your daily routine, pause for a moment and observe the things around you. Ponder on what you've observed. There is power in observation.

Jokes in Pidgin English (15)

These days there are so many caller tunes. All mobile networks now run caller tunes. Those days, when you make a call, you hear a ring, ‘krikri krikri or pumpum pumpum’

But now, tori don change. You make call now, wetin you go hear:

“If you want to save this tune, press 1: ‘I get money o, kukere kukere kukere…’” (You go see person wen never chop dey dance ‘I get money o…’ Which kind money? You nor go conserve the small energy wen dey your body… mschew)

“If you want to save this tune press 1: ‘Chop my money eee, Chop my money eee cuz… I don’t care… I get am plenty’” (if Junior or Janet carry your money run, nor complain o. Because everyday, wen dem call you from your shop, wetin dem go first hear, ‘Chop my money. Chop my money.’ The money too much, abi? Go dash people wen need am na, shuo!)

E get one man, the name na Audu. Audu na mechanic for city. When e wan marry, e go villa (village) go marry wife wen dey hear small small English. One day, Audu go work. The wife come carry hanset call Audu. Being that Audu dey work, e nor dey with em phone. Phone come dey ring: ‘I would die for you. Lay down my life you.’ When the wife hear, “ I would die for you,’ she come dey cry. Her younger sister come ask her why she dey cry. ‘I dey call Audu, somebody come pick the phone say ‘Audu don die.’ ‘Haba, you sure? Make we call the number again.’

Phone ring again: ‘I would die for you. Lay down my life for you.’

The sister laugh, ‘You self. The person say Audu go dye em hair. You know say Audu get white hair.’

‘Na lie.’ Argument start. To settle the matter, they go ask the gateman.

Gateman come form consultant. He dial the number. Phone ring again. Same message. Consultant Gateman: ‘Audu say him don die.’ (dead man speaking). Wife come dey sob. Later later, Audu show.

Wife: ‘Loo, I call your phone. You say you don die.’

Audu: ‘Nor mind those children wen dey play with my phone for workplace. Dem don spoil my phone.’

Audu and co… Dem threemuch…

Experiences; Lessons Learnt (2) - Happy old Lady!

While shopping in an open market in Kano, I walked by an elderly lady. She was all smiles. I wondered what was making this old lady so happy. She was clutching a brand new transistor radio to her chest. Apparently, she just bought it and felt so delighted about her new acquisition. ‘Is it not just a small radio set?’ You may wonder. Well, if I buy that same radio and send it to my elderly aunt in the South, she may not share the excitement of this woman I saw. It got me thinking:

Our happiness is not determined by the (material) worth of the things we own; rather our happiness is derived from the value we place on the things we own.

My Reflections!