Jokes in Pidgin English (20) - teacher teacher!

One new teacher on the first day of her job set out to test her students to know how well they are doing.

Teacher: If Michelle Obama is the First lady of America; who is Patience Jonathan?

Some students raised their hands. Teacher called one of them. ‘What’s your name?’

Student: Akpororo-Oghenerukweve Onomodekeya:

Teacher: Wow. That’s just wow. Well, what’s the answer to the question?

Student: I don forget. Wetin be the question again?

Teacher: You’ve forgotten the question, so soon?

Student: Yes, now! Wetin be my name?.... You see now, you don forget.

Teacher: OK… If Michelle Obama is the First Lady of America; who is Patience Jonathan?

Student: That one easy, Last Mama bomboy of Naija.

Teacher: It seems you don’t understand the question.

Student: Na you dey confuse me na. The answer na Last Mama deygirl of Naija.

Teacher: No. The answer is: Patience Jonathan is the First lady of Nigeria.

Student: Na lie. Who tell you say she carry first for school? Who tell you, my fellow teacher? You nor know book joor. Na me go teach you, my fellow student.

A Joke a day keeps the doctor away! (21-01-13)

Teacher!
An Accounting teacher in one secondary school had the following conversation with his students.
Teacher: Please, study Accounting. When you study Accounting, you can become a Chartered Accountant and be rich like Chief M.K.O Abiola.
Student: Sir, I have a question. Did you study Accounting?
Teacher: Yes, I did.
Student: Why are you not a chartered Accountant and be as rich as Abiola?
Teacher: That is not my calling. My calling is to help young ones like you to become the future leaders of tomorrow.
Student: Sir, my Uncle works in Zenith Bank. What if he gives you a job there, will you change your calling?
Teacher: I will gladly accept the job because then my calling will be to help the poor and uplift my family. By the way, please can you introduce me to your Uncle? (No time, oh!)

A word a day … (21-01-13)!

It's often said that slow and steady wins the race. Well, that depends on the kind of race. For example, if it's a race to win a modelling contest or Miss Nigeria, slow and steady can win that race. Whereas, if it's a race with Usain Bolt in the Olympics, it's fast and accurate that wins it. In this fast pace era, an addendum is needed in some old sayings: slow and steady wins a race but fast and accurate takes home the prize; a patient dog eats the fattest bone left over by the quickest dog etc... Have a great day people...

I Love Pidgin English Talk Talk (1)

 

Funny – Make we nor dey assume too much ooo!

Sometimes, we assume too much and too much assumption can be misleading and hurtful.
-Nor be every guy wen dey wear glasses know book. In many cases, na eye defect cause am.
-Nor be every lady wen dey speak good English dey intelligent. Just as dem use Pidgin English take train some of us from childhood, na so dem use good English train other people. To them good English be like their mother tongue, it has little to do with intelligence.
-Nor be everybody wen wear white coat inside hospital be doctor. Some na Pharmacists, others na Lab. Staff. Even in some hospitals, some experienced cleaners dey wear white coat.
-Nor be everybody wen wear suit for bank be banker, some na job applicants. Others na advanced security men. Some na visitors.
-Nor be everybody wen wear ordinary clothes be civilian, some na kaki men wen wear mufti. So, watch how u talk to people in public. These days wen e be like death sentence to wear some kind uniform, many people dey prefer mufti whenever possible. E get one guy wen just dey insult another man publicly. This guy nor know say this man in mufti na kaki man. This kaki man nor talk. At once d bad-mouth guy hear ‘kwouse’ ‘Jouse’ (authentic slaps, slap wen dey identify the occupation of the slapper. Wen u receive some slap, u the slappee go know whether d slapper na army, police or bloody civilian)
-Nor be everybody wen u see dey drive new car for road be rich man. Some na official drivers for the original owners. Some na mechanic wen d owner send to repair d car. Some dey use am teach d original owner how to drive or dem borrow d car from a friend.
-Nor be everybody wen get big belly get money. Some na hereditary. Some are just alcoholics. Others na disease. Don’t be deceived.
-Nor be everybody wen travel abroad don hammer. Some still dey hustle like us. Nor be everybody wen put some kind foreign picture 4 facebook don travel out. Some na photo shopping. Some na Naija dem take d picture, it’s just a matter of settings or background. Nor be quarrel. Nor be beef. Na reality. Take people for who they are, every other thing na parade and fashion.
-Nor be everybody wen smile give u dey interested in u. If na waitress or receptionist, they were taught to smile to every customer as good work ethics. So, nor assume say d smile pass like dat. For other people, their face resemble smile. U may think they are smiling, na lie, na so their face be. Just like some people face resemble quarrel. So u go think say dem dey vex, na lie, na so dem face be. Some people, by nature, like smiling. It has nothing to do with u, na so dem be. 
-Ok na! Abeg nor dey assume too much o, make u nor collect. I wanna end here. Pls, I wanna go… ciao……

Jokes in Pidgin English (19)

Police checkpoint!
Years ago, e get one road for South wen commercial vehicles dey pass everyday. E come get one police checkpoint for the road. The policemen dey collect 20naira from every motorist. One day, one commercial car driver reach the checkpoint; e come mistakenly give the police 50naira instead of 20naira. He drove a little further before he realized his mistake. This driver reverse back quickly.

E come tell the policeman: 'Oga, na 50naira I give you.'
Policeman say, 'eh en.' He come check see say na true. 'OK'
Driver: 'Abeg, give me change.'
D policeman then gave him change.
O boy, police checkpoint don turn marketplace. These days, how much you pay at checkpoint depends on your bargaining power and the degree of offense (quality of products). Listen:

Policeman: Oga, how far?
Driver: We dey manage.
Policeman: Wetin you get for us.
Driver: Oga, the road dry today.
Policeman: Road dry, road dry but your motor full o. E be like say you go park o.
Driver: Abeg, manage this one (holding a 20naira note.)
Policeman: That one nor reach na. You nor know say things don cost (as if he's buying and selling mkt items.) Double am joor.
Driver: Oga, manage am. You know say fuel don cost.
Policeman: Fuel dear na my name. If you nor take time, you go triple am for time wasting. By the way, wetin you carry? (now, he wants to check for something incriminating.)
Driver: Oya, take take (giving the policeman 40naira.)
That was the end of the bargain and the driver drove away. In his mind: 'ole buruku' (thief thief)
Policeman in his mind: 'You think say you smart. Yeye (foolish) man.'
My people, who be the fool, who be the mugu?

A word a day … (20-01-13)!

Prof Zini!
Back in school, I had a friend, fondly called Prof Zini. Zini was a bookworm extraordinaire. Anywhere and any time you see Zini, he’s always reading something. Then I would say, ‘Zini, so so read, you too read!’ In the class, in the hostel, you name it, you will find Zini reading. But guess what? On the day of the exams when many of us were carrying books and notes into the exam hall to read before the exams start proper, Zini came in with just his writing materials. He didn't take any other thing with him. He just sat down quietly waiting for the exam to start. As I was busy reading through some of my last minute jottings, I could not help but be amazed at Zini. I thought to myself, ‘Zini that reads all the time but on the day of the exam he felt he had read enough, it was time to deposit the stuff.’ I learnt a very vital lesson from my Prof Zini: there is a time for everything. There is a time to read and a time to be read. There is a time to read what others have said and written and there is a time for others to read what you've written. Kudos to him! You can learn a lot from people even when they are not aware of it!

A Joke a day keeps the doctor away! (20-01-13)

A friend of mine, Jude, once told me this joke way back. It essentially goes like this:
Two guys who have not seen each other before met and this conversation ensued:

1st guy: Hello John, you have really changed.
2nd guy (surprised): Do I know you?

1st guy: You were tall before, now you are short.
2nd guy (confused): What!

1st guy: You were dark before, now you are fair in complexion? 
2nd guy: You are mistaking me for someone else.

1st guy: O John, you were fat before, now you are slim.
2nd guy: For goodness sake, my name is Peter, not John.
1st guy: Oh… You have changed your name too.