A Joke a day keeps the doctor away! (23-01-13)

Mobile phone abuse!

I remember years ago in Nigeria. If you want to make a phone call, you have to travel some kilometers to the nearest NITEL office. You would then buy a card and wait on a queue before it gets to your turn. When you consider all the stress involved, you don’t make frivolous calls. You weigh what you want to say and you make the calls at the time best suited for the person you are calling. Nowadays, mobile phones and networks are everywhere. As a result, we see a lot of trivialities with phone calls.

There was this weekend, sometime ago. I wasn't on duty. So, I had the whole weekend to myself. I did not receive a single phone call. On Monday morning, I was back at work with so much to do. I was so much in a hurry to catch up with my work. Then my phone rang. “Hello, I just want to great you.”Amazing, right? You want to say, ‘Hi’ on a busy Monday morning when you had the whole weekend to do that. “Hi yourself, my friend!”

What is more annoying now is that mobile phone operators have copied this wrong attitude of some of their customers. You are expecting a bank credit alert for your salary, your messenger rings; when you check, ‘Good morning, call … to get more information on our services.’ What, did I ask you if I needed more services?

Most annoying is when you are expecting an important phone call, your phone rings. You pick it up only for you to hear an automated voice-recorded message: ‘Hello, dear customer, we are offering value added services. We have so and so and so…. Press 1 for … Press 2 for…’ Rubbish! Press off. It’s high time I press charges in court for these networks that violate my peace of mind.

I Love Pidgin English Talk Talk (3)

Funny thins – Na God Call Me!
This thin dey tire me. You go see people wen dey say na God call dem. Uhmmm! If you be Bank Manager God come call you, you come leave bank work come start your ministry, I go understand o. If u be Chairman of a multinational company, you dey fly with private jet, God come call you, you come leave that work turn to Pastor, I go understand o. Na real sacrifice be that! But the one wen I dey see dey tire man pikin o. You go see graduate wen don serve finish, two years no job, four years no job, on the fifth year, my guy open church for one uncompleted building dey say God call am, na waooo!
E get one man wen open school. School dey function well. After some years life happened and school come fold up. My guy come turn the school to church. E say na God call am. My brother na waooo!
Late Sunny Okosun wen sing sing secular music, wen e see say em music nor dey rain again, e come dey sing gospel music, dey say na God call, na waooo. Politician don dey learn dat thing. Many politicians dey say God call dem to rule, both those wen win and those wen nor win, I nor call person name o. But these people na waooo!
Wetin dey pain be say, must you say, ‘God called me’? Na every body God dey call. Even for Bible how many people God call directly, dem nor many ooo! If you wan do business, do business, if you wan open church, open church, if you wan sing or be politician do wetin dey your mind to do, if you succeed we thank God, if you nor succeed, you try again, must you say, ‘God called me’? Make we nor dey call God name bcos our mouth dey scratch us. Whether na God call dem, I nor know, me I nor dey there o.

Jokes in Pidgin English (21)! – Deaf and Dumb!

This time na bad time to be deaf and dumb o. e get one guy wen dey form deaf and dumb. Every day this guy go stand near one govt building dey beg with big sign for em chest: DEAF AND DUMB! HELP! e come get 2 Warri boys wen dey always pass there go work. Everyday them dey see the deaf guy. The Warri boys come dey argue:
‘That guy na fake deaf and dumb.’
‘Na lie, how big guy like that go dey form.’
‘I dey tell you, that guy na wayo e dey do, if na lie make we go test the guy.’
Na so these Warri boys plan how them go deceive the guy.
One evening as dem dey come back from work, dem come hold five five naira wen dem go give d deaf guy. As dem dey drop d money, dem come dey talk small small among themselves.
Warri 1: Na wow. Na bad thing to be deaf and dumb.
Warri 2: Na true. That’s why dis guy never hear say dem throw bomb for the next street now now.
Warri 1: I even hear say this govt house here na the next target o.
Warri 2: Abeg make we drop dis money make we kawai, make dem nor turn us and dis guy to burnt offering o.
As d Warri boys turn their back dey waka go, after few seconds dem turn back see deaf and dumb don tear race dey run from d govt building. O boy, na im burst laugh o.

A Joke a day keeps the doctor away! (22-01-13)

I remember the joke I once heard in school back in the days. Who am I? It's the joke of a young man who had written BK/CRS (Bible Knowledge/Christian Religious Studies) so many times without success. From experience he realized that there was one question that was often repeated, 'Critically analyze the life and times of John the Baptist.' So, for the next exams, he crammed everything about John the Baptist. But, alas on the exam day, the question was not what he expected, 'Critically analyze the life and times of Jesus Christ'. He was surprised but not out. He has to download the stuff he's crammed about John the Baptist. Being the smart guy that he was, he wrote, "Who am I to criticize our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ? I will rather criticize his servant John the Baptist..." So he went on pouring his stuff on John the Baptist. The first time I heard d joke, I laughed so hard. Hence, I remember that early morning in the theatre years ago when and where Dr Ehigiegba entertained us with that joke. I certainly don't remember the surgery or the stuff that went with it but I do remember that joke... On a serious note, as I go about my tasks, I ask myself this rhetorical question, 'Who am I?'

A word a day … (22-01-13)!

There's a time for everything.
A time to hold tight to what you have at present and a time to let go of the past.
A time to cherish treasured memories and a time to expunge painful reminders.
A time to add new friends and a time to let go of others.
A time to claim victories and a time to admit defeat.
A time to fall in love and a time to let loved ones move away.
A time to make great speeches and articles and a time to absorb the greatness of others.
A time when oratory is a virtue and a time when silence is golden.
A time to be a hero and a time to be just human.
A time to feel loved and special and a time to be ordinary and vague.
A time to be just me and a time to be ‘the me’ of others.
A time to sing melodies and a time to hear harmonies.
Life is more intriguing with its highs and lows. Variety is spicy. You can't always keep up a high tempo. Monotony, even at a high pace, is a bore on the long run. No matter the times, good or bad, life has to move on. We won't be here today if life got stuck in the past. So too, there won't be a tomorrow if today decides to hang on to yesterday.

I Love Pidgin English Talk Talk (2)

Funny – Poor Big Man!
E get people wen dey claim say dem get money and yet ground nor level. E get people wen we dey see, we go think say dem get money die. My brother, all na appearance o. If you wan know who really get money na time of emergency u go know.
E get one guy, d guy dey arrange. Get fine car. Get family. Everybody dey respect d guy say ‘men, dis guy is loaded ooo’. Na so one day, d pikin dey sick, dem rush d pikin go hospital. D pikin come need surgery. Dem say make d father drop one huge amount down as deposit now now now. Na dat time we know say thins nor easy. Na so d guy start, ‘em em eh eh… pls, can u wait till d end of d month?’ dem tell am say, na emergency, d money is needed urgent. My guy dey sweat. D guy pick phone to call em fellow big men:
“Hello John! How’s d family? Please, can u help with ….?.... No, I need it today… oh… oh… ok.. I understand.. u know it’s not easy.. ok”
“Hello Peter! How’s business? Abeg, my pikin dey hospital I need ….. no, na today I need am… oh, ur wife just put to birth? Oh I didn’t know…ok?’
“Hello Paul! How body? O boy, e get one big wahala I dey na, my pikin nor well and I need … today.. u know say business get as e be now…. Oh… oh oh, u re traveling to US next week?... Oh.. Ok I understand.. Visa wahala and d rest”
Na so my guy dey call em fellow big men, no show… d money for Account nor reach. Na dat time we know say na poor big man e be. If emergency come, and u nor get kobo for hand and u dey tell urself say u be big man, na lie, na poor man u be o. If na month end u dey wait b4 money dey hand like civil servant and u dey call urself big man, my guy na poverty be dat o. If u dey claim big man and u nor dey save money for account, o man, if kasala burst and u need money now now now, o man na embarrassment be dat o. U wen get family for house, nor dey form big man dey buy flashy things and u nor get savings for account o, bcos on a bad day, wind go blow and fowl yanch go open o. Make God bless us so dat we go dey save for emergencies. My brother na so I see am oooooooooo!

Irony!