I Love Pidgin English Talk Talk (6)

Funny things wen man don see - 419 Part 2.

You remember those days wen banks never full everywhere. No ATM that time. If you wan withdraw money from bank, you must go the branch of the bank where you take open the account, to withdraw the money. That time wen I dey school for Benin, and I open account for Delta. So if I wan collect money from my account, I go carry my passbook, travel go Delta State, withdraw the money, enter motor come back to Benin. Person go travel about 50km just to withdraw money. After some time I come open account for Benin, but na Akpakpava Road na’em the Branch of the bank dey and me dey Ugbowo. So if I wan withdraw money, I go take motor go Ring Road, enter another motor go Akpakpava Road. Now wen I remember those days and now wen banks and ATM don full everywhere I go dey laugh.

 

Na so, one day I comot from school go Akpakpava go withdraw money. Wen I withdraw finish, I enter Ring Road motor. Wen I drop from Ring Road, I come dey trek go where I go enter Ugbowo motor Park. Ring Road for Benin don teach me lesson before. E get one night for Ring Road wen dem pocket-pick the whole money wen dey my pocket. Na beg I beg before I see 20naira enter Ugbowo motor. I nor know how the person take pick my pocket. I only remember say I dey think wetin I go use my money buy wen somebody use body jam me. I sure say na that guy pick my pocket. From that night, anytime I enter Ring Road I dey dey vigilant.

 

So on that day wen I dey talk about b4, me and my money wen I withdraw from bank, come dey trek thru Ring Road. Na’em one man use e body jam me. As d guy jam me, I quickly put hand for my pocket, palpate the money wen I carry. Wen I see say the thing dey intact, na so I turn look the man wen jam me. D man dey say, ‘eh, you nor dey look where u dey go.’ See me see wahala, person wen use body jam me, na em still dey claim right. Na’im I bone d guy, dey waka my own dey go. As I waka small, one woman wen carry pickin for back come tap me, ‘go tell am sorry’. Shuooooo! The woman wen carry pikin dey tell me say make I go tell the man wen jam me sorry. O boy, na den I know say na 419 people. Fear catch me. How this people take know say I carry money 4 pocket. O boy, na so I waka quick quick comot from there before I come go forget myself. 419 people, the time wen dem dey take plan all their strategy, e nor reach dem to find better work?

A Joke a day keeps the doctor away (25-01-13)

When you fall asleep; it’s like when a computer or phone is put off. When you wake up; it’s like when a computer or phone is put back on. It will take a while to boot. While booting, the system can’t work effectively. Likewise, when we wake up from sleep, it will take a while for our brains to boot. For some their brains boot faster than others. It also depends on how you woke up: suddenly or gradually. The slower you wake up, the more efficient the booting.

Thievery! One guy fell asleep after a marathon of hard work. While asleep someone broke into his apartment and made away with some of his valuables. Finally, he woke up.

(Brain is booting) ‘Wow! I must have slept for hours.’ He said to himself. He then noticed his door was opened. ‘Oh, my door is open. I must have left it opened. Oh, I keep forgetting to lock my door. One day, thieves will come in and steal my things.’

(Brain is still booting) He went to the door to close it when he noticed that the lock was damaged. ‘Locks these days, they don’t last. I have to call a carpenter to fix it.’ He now saw a neighbour passing by: ‘Juliet, please do you know a carpenter around? The lock to my door is bad. I need a carpenter to fix it.’
Juliet answered: ‘There is a carpenter in the adjoining street.’
My guy: ‘Thanks, I’ll go and change so that I can go call him.’
He now entered his house.

(Brain finished booting and he came back to his full senses) While searching for what shirt to put on, he noticed something was not right. His things were scattered all over the place. He suddenly realized someone broke into his house to steal. ‘What! My phones! My Blackberry! My laptop! O my God. (With both hands on his head) Why? Why? Oh Why…….

Don’t ask me if he went for the Carpenter or the Police. Just tell him: ‘Sorry o! Such is life o. As far as there is life, there is hope. It could have been worse!’

Something New!

My Secondary School Principal once told me that the most difficult thing to do in this world is to start something new. The tasks that appear most difficult to us are those that we've never undertaken before. A new venture, a new challenge, a new job, a new environment, a new home, those are the most difficult moments in any man's life. The question is as always, 'How can i cope?' But in reality, we can never tell how hard or easy a task is until we've tried it. Never adjudge a task as impossible until you've made an effort at it. Remember, as much as other humans have done it before, you can do it only if you try. Also, things like airplanes, cars, mobile phones, the internet and others were once considered impossible. What if the inventors said, 'No man has done this before,' and thus settle for their convenient daily routines, we won't be having this medium of interaction. Bear in mind, the most crucial and important step is the very first step. If you doubt it, ask a child taking his/her first step. If only you can understand his/her blah blah blah, you'll understand and agree with me. The prospect of failing does not stop him/her from trying again. How amazing it is to see the beams of smile and joy they have when they succeed in taking their first step. The parents of that child also feel the joy. It's thrilling to successfully undertake something new. Try something new but worthy today and have the joys of a worthy and successful endeavour. Enjoy!

First Day; First Time!

Nobody forgets their first day. It's the most memorable of all. First day at school! First day at work! First day in a new environment! The first time at something new! The hopes, the tension, the anticipation, the anxiety, the worries, the fears, the feeling of inadequacy;  it's overwhelming, it's so unforgettable. The first day remains indelible in our minds, so we work hard to make it special. As dreadful as the thought of failure on your first day or first time, nothing compares with the thrills and joys of seeing through your first day or first time. You don't allow the fear of the unknown deter you from doing something new and worthy. Remember, if you don't try it, you'll never know. The first time is worth every care, every thought, every plan, every dream, every hope, every prayer, every wait and every strength. Sometimes the first time is everything. Yes! The first time could be a foretaste of what is to come. The start of something new can tell how well it will end. Do you want to hear something new? Have a lovely time, folks. Love You!

I Love Pidgin English Talk Talk (5)

Funny things wen man eye don see - 419 Part 1
Something make me remember all those times wen 419 (fraudsters) don try play me. Those days for school, I just dey, no money for hand. I say make I travel go home go see whether man pikin fit get some cash from my people. Na so I come go house, no show. I come go visit other people of interest, still no show, everywhere dry like Harmatan weather. Before I comot school my roommate when come from the same place with me send me message go their house to collect some things for am. So after perambulating places of interest, I come go my roommate side to collect some medemede (items) for my roommate. So as I come reach road say make I take taxi go house, I come jam 419.

 

Dem dey inside one taxi. Wen I try stop the taxi at first, e nor stop. E go front small before e come stop. E be like say dem dey assess me whether I be good candidate for their business. I dey sure say na my roommate things wen I carry make dem feel say I dey loaded. Wen d taxi revise come back, one guy come come down from the back seat, I come enter middle. As we dey go I dey reason my life, I come all the way from school, no money. As I dey lament for my mind, drama come start from the taxi.

 

One passenger say make the driver stop, he wan come down. E say e get load from boot (car trunk), make driver come open boot. As driver open boot, driver shout, ‘hey eh! Make wo na come see something. This passenger say na fish he carry, nor know say na money he carry. I go report you to police’. The passenger come dey beg, ‘Oga driver abeg, nor report me. Na one Allaji (Alhaji) for North when I dey work for. The man dey wicked me, so one day, he come travel, na’em I carry em money run. The Allaji do juju inside the money, so before I fit use the money, I go need herbalist (spiritualist) wen go remove the juju wen the Allaji put inside the money.’ The driver say, ‘How much be the money?’ Passenger say, ‘Na 2.5 million naira.’ O boy, as I hear million my ear stand. The passenger say, ‘Na the herbalist place I dey go now. The herbalist say I go first pay am some money wen he go take remove the juju. If wo na help me gather the money for the herbalist, we go share the Allaji money five five hundred thousand.’ Wen I hear the money, my mind first dey jolly, I dey happy. Uhmmm, see me wen dey look for money. He be like say God wan butter my bread.

 

So dem come enter the taxi back. The other passengers come agree to contribute money to the herbalist. After few minutes na’em I come come back to my senses. Wen I look the people when wan share the 2.5 million, O boy, I tell myself say this people na 419. Better people wan share millions, na for inside kabu kabu taxi dem go dey discuss am. My mind come tell me, ‘Shuooo! This people na 419 ooo. Stop this taxi na na na.’ When I reach the front of one of my relation house, na so I shout, ‘Driver stop me! Stop me!’ Wen the 419 guys see say the home-video wen dem act, he nor work, dem come know say me na bad market, na em dem stop. I come come down. Na God save me dat day, I for use my roommate things take do sara (gift). I learn one big lesson that day. Na greedy person 419 dey quick dey catch. God abeg ooo, my own do me ooo!

Jokes in Pidgin English (25)

Funny things wen man don see – Stammerer!
Those days wen you hear ‘kpa!’ (a very loud sound), you go relax, maybe na tire burst. Those days wen you hear, ‘kpa kpa!’, you go relax, maybe na knock-out (fireworks). At that time, if you hear ‘kpa kpa kpa!’ you fit worry small, maybe na area boys (thieves) wen dey look for chop money when men dey sleep. O boy, these days, wen you hear ‘kpa!’, na 100 metres race men dey take, you nor wan know wether na tire burst, whether na knock-out or area boys. Nowadays all men dey assume the worst. Sometime ago, I go one market, I nor hear anything ooo, but wen I see men dey run, I join dem run. Somebody ask me wetin happen, I nor know. In short, no time to ask question, just dey run dey go. That is why, this time na bad time to be stammerer. Before you go ask wetin dey happen, all men don run leave you.

Just imagine this! Stammerer go market go buy some things. As he carry the heavy load wen he buy, he see people dey run. He dey reason, these many things wen em buy, he nor go fit carry them run. On the other hand, he nor go fit run leave them just like that. So he come say make he ask wetin dey happen so that he go decide wether na to leave the things begin run. Na so stammerer stand. People dey run pass am. ‘we… we... we... we...’, no answer. Stammerer wan try ask, ‘wetin dey happen?’ Na so he stand there, ‘we… we... we... we...’ People dey wonder why dis guy stand and other people dey run, abi na Western journalist he be? Na Western journalist go see people dey run, he go waka go see wetin dey happen. Na so stammerer stand with em load, ‘we… we… we...' After about 10mins, stammerer hear, ‘kpa kpa kpa kpokpokpokpo’ (very loud, continuous sounds), stammerer shout, ‘kweke!’ He throwaway em load begin run. The guy see strong thing that day!

Jokes in Pidgin English (24)

Funny things wen man don see – Who steal the meat?

I remember those days for Hall 3, UNIBEN. One of my room-mates go market, arrange correct meat take cook soup. When he cook finish, he come go lecture. When he close, come back, come open pot, he see say some meat don miss from the pot. The population of the meat inside the pot underwent some radical changes in numerical strength and body mass. To use big grammer make e nor lost. The guy hala, 'Somebody carry meat from my pot.' I come tell am say maybe na rat carry am. The guy say, 'Bros yee! Rat go carry meat from pot, come still cover am back?' O boy! When he ask the question, I come really reason am. That na PhD question o. That kind rat wen dey steal meat from pot, come still cover the pot back so that make dem nor catch am. That kind rat deserve national merit award for excellence in thievery. We need to check the IQ of that rat. Na genius e go be. That kind rat go fit question the owner of the pot: 'You count the meat? How you take know say the meat dey lost? Where is your proof? Show me the receipt of meat ownership.'