I love Pidgin English Talk Talk (7) - Witchdom!

Funny things wen man don see – Witchdom!

Where I grow up, everything na witch. If you never marry and you don dey old, na witch cause am! If you nor get pikin after years of marriage, na witch cause am. If you fail exam, na witch. If your business nor get head, na witch. If your children wayward, na witch. If person dey sick, na witch. If the person come die, o boy na witch. Every thing witch witch witch, e nor dey finish. Dat is why the witch industry is booming in my place. You get native doctors, herbalist, igbe, and go-betweens (people wen dey claim publicly say dem be witch, if you get problem and you dey suspect one witch, the go-between guy go help you go coven, go intercede on your behalf). Others practice exorcism (those people wen dey remove the witch comot from person body). You still get home videos, TV shows and other programmes on witchcraft. An entire industry thriving on the witch doctrine. O boy, the day wen dem go say, witch nor dey again, many people will lose their jobs.

For my place, everybody na witch. The only person wen dey sure say you nor be witch na yourself. O boy, if you come use mistake dey ugly, black, short, old, your witchie nor get part two. If you use mistake do anyhow, you come carry disease wen dey make body dey swell up, men you are a witch until proven otherwise. Dem go tell you say, if you nor confess your witchcraft, na die be dat. If for one family, people dey die well well, dat family witch get Masters Degree. If you don dey old and you never marry or you never get pickin, your witchie na PhD, because my people say witch wen nor get husband or wife or children, na dat person witch dey strong pass. No body dey ever say so so thing na my fault. Nobody dey claim responsibility for any failure. Na witch neighbour or colleague or relation na em cause am. If road bad, accidents dey happen, na the blood-sucking witches wen dey the area dem go blame. Nobody dey blame govt for bad road accidents. If your pikin stubborn, no body dey consider say sometimes stubbornness is hereditary, dat pikin na witch dem go call am.

Na so wen I first enter school, wen things hard me, I go say, ‘dis witch people nor go let me rest’. Na so so I dey do until one day I come sit down tell myself say, ‘na me dey do myself’. Witch dey on e own, me dey own my own. I nor go blame witch for anything again. If anything bad happen, na me do myself. Na so my people. E come get one guy for school dat time. D guy dey like travel well well. E nor dey stay school, e nor dey read. So exam come, the guy come fail. The guy come open e mouth tell me say na witch cause am. I say, ‘O boy, shut up make person hear word. If you nor get wetin you go talk, blow whistle make bird they listen’. I come ask am say all those time wen you dey travel unko? The guy say na witch dey make am dey travel travel wen e nor dey stay one place. Sheee! Wetin witch nor go fit do. If na so witch get power, all men for don die finish ooo.

E get one teacher wen dem catch, e dey sleep with em student. D teacher say the girl na witch, say she use her witch take seduce am. Ojaaaaaaa! Person don suffer! Wetin witch eye go see. If everything na witch dey cause am, wetin be sin? Wetin be the sin wen you commit and wen you need to beg for forgiveness for if everything na witch cause am? How can someone beg God for forgiveness if his or her failings is caused by withcraft? If we are not responsible for our actions, on what basis shall we be judged? So my people, make we leave witch matter for Matthias. Make we dey talk truth wen go make even the Devil dey shame oo, make e for nor bring quarrel!

Jokes in Pidgin (29) – Olodo (Dullard) Squared and Unlimited!

Those days for school, he get one lecturer when like this word, ‘Olodo.’ It means person when nor know book or dullard (person when dull finish). This lecturer, if he dey teach and he ask student question, if the student nor get the answer, he go ask the student to stand, face the class and say: ‘I am Olodo.’ Epic humiliation! Well, that na small olodo. If you see correct olodo, you go bow.

 

For secondary school, he get one big boy when be olodo squared. This guy enter exam hall, he nor read. As the exam dey go on, he come sight one of em friends when dey hide dey use one textbook do expo. He come tell em friend to give am the book. When olodo collect book, he come ask: ‘Guy, where I go take start; where I go take stop.’ The guy wan Xerox the book (photocopy and paste).

 

E get one olodo for another school. The guy come from a very rich home. A day to exam, he call the teacher wen go set the exam.

Student: Bros, Bros… Which way? How the exam go be na?

Teacher: Hope you are reading. The questions are going to be very tough.

Student: Master Master… to talk truth, I never read oh. How you go take help me na? Just name your price.

Teacher: That is rude and inappropriate.

Student: Master, cool down na. I hear say you don give Janet some expo. I know say Janet na your girlfriend. Abeg, wetin you get for your boy. I go give you 20K (20,000naira) in advance until I see the result.

Teacher: Well… well… I’m just trying to help you, oh. Read assignment number 5, 12, 17, 29 and 33.

Student: Master, master… all those your long long assignment self. Abeg, summarize the answers in small microchips (paper clips). I go come your house come collect the answer. I go bring the dough (money).

 

Olodo wan write JAMB exam. He come dey look for person wen go impersonate am for the exam. He come meet one guy wen dey university. He feel say na everybody wen dey university know book. He say make the university guy impersonate am. Unfortunately, the university guy na Olodo unlimited. Na expo Olodo unlimited take pass enter university. So, exam day, Olodo unlimited come carry HB pencil: aaaaaaaaaa… bbbbbbbbbb… cccccccccccc…

ededededededede… facafacafacade…. bacabacabacabacabacabaca (e be like say na Barca fan!)… Na so Olodo unlimited dey shade toxic answers. When JAMB release results, Olodo’s result was seized. Olodo went to meet Olodo unlimited.

Olodo unlimited said: ‘Don’t mind JAMB, the result was seized because I answered too many questions correctly.’

Olodo: ‘Please, write the answers for me. Let me use it for the next exam. By dat time, I nor go answer all of them correctly. I go fail some.’

Olodo unlimited: ‘Go look for the JAMB past questions and answer. Copy that of last year. Na last year question dem go take set next year exam.’

Olodo: ‘Bros, thank you well well. You too much!’

Olodo Unlimited: ‘Where my balance?’

Olodo: ‘When I pass next year exam based on your advice, I go double the balance for you. If not, you go return the money wen I give you.’

Jokes in Pidgin (28) - Blackberry wahala!

Sometime ago, i go one ATM machine, one girl with her Blackberry dey withdraw money. She come dey delay. It took the combined effort of bystanders and bank security (community effort) to help her withdraw the money. I come dey wonder how she take dey use the BB. Maybe, na expo she dey use.

These days wen guys meet ladies, instead of phone numbers, they exchange PINs. Person wen nor get PIN, na wahala o. See:
1. Boy meets Girl, Boy likes Girl, Boy talks to Girl, Boy ask for phone no, Girl ask for PIN, Boy looks like mumu. Wahala dey o!
2. Boy meets Girl. Boy likes Girl. Boy talks to Girl. Boy takes Girl out. Girl asks for a Blackberry phone. Boy has no Blackberry phone. Boy cleared his account to buy the phone. Boy is broke. Boy turns mumu.
3. Boy meets Girl. Boy is holding Blackberry. Girl is holding hers too. Boy likes Girl's BB. Girl likes Boy's BB. Both share PIN. Both share every. Boy dumps girl. Girl looks like mumu.
4. Boy did not meet Girl face to face. Both met on BB. Both interacted on BB. Both fell in love on BB. Boy then meets Girl face to face. Boy doesn’t like the real Girl. Girl feels the same. Both look like MUMU squared.

Jokes in English – Hospital settings!

In one hospital, the doctor was exhausted after much work. So, he went home to get some rest. He asked the staff on duty to call him if something comes up. Shortly after, his phone rings:

Doctor: Hello.
Staff: Hello, doctor, there's an unconscious patient you need to see. The patient also has abdominal pain.
Doctor: How did you know he has abdominal pain?
Staff: The patient told me.

 

In another hospital, a doctor was consulting in his clinic. A man walked in. The doctor asked him what the problem was. The man replied: ‘Severe abdominal pain.’

Doctor: OK, lie down on the bed, let me examine you.

The man lied down on the examining couch.

Doctor: Use your finger to point where you are having the pain.

Man: Doctor, I’m not the one who is sick. It’s my child who is sick.

Doctor: Where is your child?

Man: He is outside with the mother.

 

In yet another hospital, the doctor does not understand the local language. So, he makes use of an interpreter. After seeing one patient, the doctor wrote some drugs for the patient, some of which were oral syrups. He asked the interpreter to tell the patient to shake the syrups very well before each use (the drug is to be taken thrice a day). To his surprise, he saw the interpreter and the patient vigorously shaking their bodies. He asked what the problem was.

Interpreter: I am demonstrating how he should shake his body. You said he should shake his body thrice a day before taking the drugs.

A Joke a day keeps the doctor away (26-01-13) - Alarm/Alert!

Alert/Alarm!

There was this very rich man who built a big mansion and resort in a remote but picturesque environment. He had installed an alarm/alert system all over the mansion. In the front entrance there were cameras with video feeds going into a computer software program that has facial recognition capabilities. If he had guests, the faces of the guests are fed into the system for easy recognition.

So, for the fun of it, if he received unexpected guests, the system was designed to send an appropriate signal. The signal depends on how beautiful or ugly the face is: beautiful/handsome face gets a sweat melody while an ugly face gets a harsh warning message.

One of the man’s friends paid him a visit. The friend was curious. He wanted to find out the signals sent for previous guests.

‘Chief, when you received Genevieve (beautiful actress), what was the signal?’

‘Cool Celine Dion music. Lovely.’

‘What about Donald Duke (handsome politician)?’

‘Cool Lionel Richie track played.’

‘What about Weird MC (ugly musician)?

‘We heard harsh sounds: Please, be advised, there is a possible intruder approaching.’

‘Really…! What about Adams Oshiomhole (ugly politician)?’

‘We heard: Please, be advised a militant on a khaki outfit is approaching the perimeter.’

‘Really, what about Taribo West and Baba (wowo squared)?’

‘Well, the system crashed. We battled for months to fix it. Before it crashed, it kept sounding a very loud warning: This is an emergency. Unidentifiable aliens are on the approach. This system is going into lock-down. I repeat: Lock-down  Lock-down  This is not a drill.’

Life’s Paradox - A True Story!

Life! This world is an intriguing place. Lots of things happen everyday that give one cause to ponder on the intricacies of this life! An adult male raped an 8 year old girl. She was a school pupil returning from school when she was lured by the rapist into his home. Sadly, he violated that little girl. But that is not end of the story. Later, through the suspicion of the girl’s guardian, the man was apprehended and he confessed to the crime. At this point, the worry was on the health and well-being of this little girl. As a routine practice, she and the accused were screened for STIs (sexually transmitted diseases). What would you expect? You would not be surprised if the man turns out to have an STI. That would suit his profile. But alas, that was not the case. Allow me explain:

When the tests results came out, it turned out that the man was HIV negative but the 8-year old girl was HIV positive. The results were correct. How come? It was found out that the girl was an orphan. She lost both her parents to HIV/AIDS. She also has the disease from birth (vertical transmission from mother to child). She lives with a guardian and she receives anti-retroviral drugs (drugs used in the management of HIV/AIDS) from a hospital where such drugs were provided. But her rapist did not know that. How could he? All he saw was a vulnerable 8-year old pupil walking home from school and he had his way with her. Little did he know that that little girl had HIV! Little did he know that by taking advantage of that very little girl, he was putting himself at great risk of acquiring a life-long disease! How could he? He did not know that by violating the innocence of that child, his own body became guilty and vulnerable to an incurable disease. How would he?

The well-being of the little girl ought to be the focus of care-givers. But at that point when the results came out, he invariably became the focus of concern not because of the attention he got by committing such an abominable act, but because, now, he has to be on the look-out. While he may wait to get justice served in the court of law, as to this fact of been exposed to HIV, he need not wait. In a paradoxical sense, justice has been served. He would spend a many days wondering when his own test would turn positive. (Due to seroconversion, it takes a while for an exposed individual to turn out HIV positive.) No matter the eventual outcome, he would have gotten a big chunk of what he deserved and far more than he bargained for: no peace of mind and body.

It’s sobering to think about how things turn out for people who always seek to take advantage of others in a very unfair manner. Life! People get away with offenses like those of this man or so it seems. But, now and then we see dramatic and overt consequences to the actions of men. The little girl had the disease through no fault of hers. She was innocent all the same. Also, she was vulnerable and thus suffered scars that will burn deep in her childhood memories as a result of that attack. But her story, as sad as it was for her, in a way helps to tell a story and to teach a many lessons! The story of a shattered innocence and an unforgettable scar! The lessons of life’s paradox: those who seek the harm of others inadvertently expose themselves to harm and much more.

 

Jokes in Pidgin English – 27 (Chief Aro of Hall 3)

Funny things we don see! UNIBEN Days!

Those days wen I dey Hall 3 for UNIBEN, e get one very funny guy for Hall 3 that time. The guy funny so tail dem give am title, ‘Chief Aro of Hall 3.” The word ‘aro’ suppose mean ‘craze’ or ‘mad’ man because it’s thought to have originated from the location of the Neuropsychiatric Hospital in Nigeria which was located in a town called Aro in Abeokuta. In UNIBEN then, many of the very funny guys then are thought to act crazy in a very jovial way. Hence, they were called ‘aros.’

 

Back to my story. This guy funny die. When he dey joke, na so e dey demonstrate like ‘I go die.’ As this guy come funny, no body dey take am serious. Anything wen e do, people go think say na joke e dey joke. Na so one day, this guy come dey sick, no body know. As e dey waka for Hall 3 near porter’s lodge (entrance), na so this guy collapse. Wen the guy collapse, people come dey laugh, dem think say na joke the guy dey joke. O boy, after some time, wen dem see say d guy nor dey move, na’im dem rush the guy, ‘Chief Aro dey die ooo’. Dem rush the guy go health-cente. Na God save d guy dat day ooo. Na so play play play play, the guy for die because of aroism. Anyways, he survived to continue the spirit of Aroism.