I love Pidgin English Talk Talk (7) - Witchdom!

Funny things wen man don see – Witchdom!

Where I grow up, everything na witch. If you never marry and you don dey old, na witch cause am! If you nor get pikin after years of marriage, na witch cause am. If you fail exam, na witch. If your business nor get head, na witch. If your children wayward, na witch. If person dey sick, na witch. If the person come die, o boy na witch. Every thing witch witch witch, e nor dey finish. Dat is why the witch industry is booming in my place. You get native doctors, herbalist, igbe, and go-betweens (people wen dey claim publicly say dem be witch, if you get problem and you dey suspect one witch, the go-between guy go help you go coven, go intercede on your behalf). Others practice exorcism (those people wen dey remove the witch comot from person body). You still get home videos, TV shows and other programmes on witchcraft. An entire industry thriving on the witch doctrine. O boy, the day wen dem go say, witch nor dey again, many people will lose their jobs.

For my place, everybody na witch. The only person wen dey sure say you nor be witch na yourself. O boy, if you come use mistake dey ugly, black, short, old, your witchie nor get part two. If you use mistake do anyhow, you come carry disease wen dey make body dey swell up, men you are a witch until proven otherwise. Dem go tell you say, if you nor confess your witchcraft, na die be dat. If for one family, people dey die well well, dat family witch get Masters Degree. If you don dey old and you never marry or you never get pickin, your witchie na PhD, because my people say witch wen nor get husband or wife or children, na dat person witch dey strong pass. No body dey ever say so so thing na my fault. Nobody dey claim responsibility for any failure. Na witch neighbour or colleague or relation na em cause am. If road bad, accidents dey happen, na the blood-sucking witches wen dey the area dem go blame. Nobody dey blame govt for bad road accidents. If your pikin stubborn, no body dey consider say sometimes stubbornness is hereditary, dat pikin na witch dem go call am.

Na so wen I first enter school, wen things hard me, I go say, ‘dis witch people nor go let me rest’. Na so so I dey do until one day I come sit down tell myself say, ‘na me dey do myself’. Witch dey on e own, me dey own my own. I nor go blame witch for anything again. If anything bad happen, na me do myself. Na so my people. E come get one guy for school dat time. D guy dey like travel well well. E nor dey stay school, e nor dey read. So exam come, the guy come fail. The guy come open e mouth tell me say na witch cause am. I say, ‘O boy, shut up make person hear word. If you nor get wetin you go talk, blow whistle make bird they listen’. I come ask am say all those time wen you dey travel unko? The guy say na witch dey make am dey travel travel wen e nor dey stay one place. Sheee! Wetin witch nor go fit do. If na so witch get power, all men for don die finish ooo.

E get one teacher wen dem catch, e dey sleep with em student. D teacher say the girl na witch, say she use her witch take seduce am. Ojaaaaaaa! Person don suffer! Wetin witch eye go see. If everything na witch dey cause am, wetin be sin? Wetin be the sin wen you commit and wen you need to beg for forgiveness for if everything na witch cause am? How can someone beg God for forgiveness if his or her failings is caused by withcraft? If we are not responsible for our actions, on what basis shall we be judged? So my people, make we leave witch matter for Matthias. Make we dey talk truth wen go make even the Devil dey shame oo, make e for nor bring quarrel!