A Moment of a Lifetime!

We all have had a moment in our lives that we would always live to remember. That special moment when the earth stood still and the universe became your audience. Yes, that very moment you became the epicenter of the universe. The moment that remains indelibly marked in your heart and mind. That moment he saw her; that moment she saw him, and they both knew that they were meant to be together forever. That moment you stopped in your life’s pursuits and realized that your life has a larger purpose and meaning. That moment you made your life’s dreams come through. That moment you were declared a doctor or lawyer or engineer or the likes of that. Yes, that moment you began your life’s career. That moment you got a promising job. That moment you stepped from the plane and you began a new phase of your life. That moment you stood at the altar, took an oath and swore your undying love for your life partner and then opened a whole new chapter in the history of your life. That moment you held in your hands your own son or daughter, your own flesh and blood that came out of your loins. That moment you realize that things have changed and life will never ever be the same again. We've all had that moment whether you gave it so much thought then or not. Yes, a moment of a lifetime!

There are moments in our lives that deal with sweet and much cherished memories: the moments we achieve new heights and make new accomplishments. The moment we graduate from school. Yes, the moments we acquire the dream career of our choice. The moment we fall in love, get engaged and go to the altar to exchange vows. Also, the moments we have a complete family of our own. Achieving a major milestone in life is a moment worth remembering. Not even the pictures or the stories told can fully convey the exquisite delight we experienced. Yet, as memorable as those moments are, they are not necessarily life-shaking earth moving experiences. Some people may just go through the motions because they are of age and that may just be what the society demands of them at that age. If we take some time and take a quick look at our lives from when we were children, we will remember certain moments that changed our lives forever. I had a friend in secondary school. At the junior level, he was not taking his studies seriously. He was not a dull student but school was not a top priority for him. Then, one day he visited the elder sister who was an undergraduate in one university. While there, he saw undergraduates who were about his age in the university. That was his moment. He suddenly realized that he was wasting away his time in secondary school. He took his studies seriously and today he has attained a lot with his higher education. Though, he had several memorable moments in his life but that was his moment of a lifetime. Some of us had our moments with certain teachers who took special interest in us and guided us in the right path. Yes, we all have such moments.

There are only few of such moments in a lifetime. Sometimes we have one of such moments in our lives. If we are fortunate we may have two or more of such life-changing and life-transforming moments in our lifetime. Our moment may be when we discovered that there is a God who cared about us and who wants us to worship him. I’m not talking about the routine of going to a place of worship your parents or guardians taught you to. I’m talking about that moment, like the Apostle Paul, when you have a personal and spiritual encounter with the God whom you worship. That moment that changed your life forever. For some others, their moment was the day they fell in love. Yes, that exact moment when he looked into her eyes and she looked into his eyes and knew that he or she is the one. You don’t forget it. Even though life may get in the way and sometimes both parties separate for one reason or the other, you don’t forget that special moment you fell in love.

Even the worst of criminals have had their moments of truth. Sergeant Rogers of the infamous ‘Death Squad’ once confessed that of all his killings, there was one he regretted the most: a lady who begged and pleaded for her dear life. Rogers said that left for him he would have spared her but he feared the repercussions of a failed mission and so he did the deed anyway only that he will never forget that moment. He may not have changed his way but at that moment he hesitated and recognized the monstrosity of his actions. Saul in the early Christian times was a persecutor and killer of Christians but on his way to Damascus he had his moment of truth that changed his life forever. Our moment of truth may not be as dramatic as that of Apostle Paul, as he later became known, but it’s real. When we engage in conduct that is unwise and bad, no matter how long or how deep we are in it, there is a moment of truth which we all experience. That moment your mind says, ‘Hey! What are you doing, men?’ How well we turn out after having that moment is up to us. Will we get remorseful, yet move on with the deed anyway like Sgt. Rogers or will be like Apostle Paul and change our entire course of life? To a large extent, the answer lies with each and every one of us. May God help us turn our moment of truth into a lifetime of change! A moment of a lifetime!

No moment last forever, otherwise it won’t be called a moment, but it sets in motion forces and courses that may endure a lifetime if not forever. It is often stated that we should not live in the moment. That said, while not living in your special moment every day of your life, please don’t forget it. If in each and every day, we remember that moment that changed our lives for the better, we would strive to stay on course. If it were possible, frame the picture of that moment and hang it by your bedside. Every day when you wake up, you look at it and you are reminded of that moment of a lifetime and we pray that the Almighty keep us in that faithful course and keep our feet from returning to the old ways. We know it’s not that simple. Life may be too complex for such simplicity. Yet, even a complex puzzle is best handled when broken into simple bits. Yeah, the little things, like a leaven, can make a whole. Have you had your moment? May the memory of it help you stay on course. If you haven’t, don't sweat it, wait on it, when it comes you will know and may the life changes it brings be of good and may it bring glory to God Almighty!

Let me leave you with an excerpt of Shania Twain’s ‘From This Moment’ 

I just swear

That I'll always be there 

I give anything

And everything

And I will always care

Through weakness and strength

Happiness and sorrow

For better, for worse

I will love you

With every beat of my heart

From this moment life has begun

From this moment you are the one

Right beside you is where I belong

From this moment on

(song’s lyrics were culled from www.metrolyrics.com)

A Sense of Humour! A Sense of Balance!

It helps to look at the light side of things. If someone insults you or make you angry, can you look at the funny side of it and smile about it, it can go a long way to ease the tension! When you sense that people laugh at you because of a defect you have, can you preempt them by joking about it? For example, I’m short and dark. If someone wants to pick on me, that will be his first point of call. So, I joke a lot about my been short and dark like, ‘black pot’, ‘black charcoal’, ‘briefly summarized’, etc such that when so insulted that won’t be the first time. Don’t be discouraged, whatever defect you have if you can’t change it then take advantage of it.

What you lack vertically, you can make up horizontally.

What you lack in length, you can make up in width.

What you lack in colour, you make up in contour.

What you lack anteriorly, you can make up posteriorly.

What you lack superiorly, you can make up inferiorly.

What you lack outwardly, you can make up interiorly.

What you lack facially, you can make up verbally.

What you lack in beauty, you can make up with intelligence.

What you lack in shape, you can make up in character.

What you lack in been flashy, you make up with good hygiene.

What you lack in melody, you can make up in harmony.

What you lack in riches, you can make up with a good name.

What you lack in words, you can make up with a listening attitude.

What you lack in speed, you can make up in endurance.

What you lack in privileges, you can make up in wisdom.

What you lack in skills, you can make up with hard work.

What you lack in knowledge, you can make up with humility.

Ladies and Gentlemen, it will be a crime punishable by the appropriate authorities if you lack the features from both ends of the above spectra. For example, you are ugly and yet very dull, my sister ‘no hope o’. You are poor and at the same time have a bad name, my brother ‘e go hard o’. You are short and at the same you are thin like Agbani Darego, ‘na breeze you go be o’. Even if you don’t have the 'killer face', please have the 'killer mouth'. Have you heard someone on radio or phone and you were head over heels only for you to be disappointed if you meet that individual in person? Yes o! ‘She nor get the face but she get the slang (langua).’ Have you seen a man who knows nothing but is very proud? Uhmmm! ‘That na time bomb o.’ There are those that dress fine when they go out, but the inside of their houses is like a dumpster. I remember a young lady from my place. This happened years ago. She heard a lot of good things about me, so I guess she must have conjured up a very interesting image of how I look like, so much so that when she saw me, she was so disappointed that she could not hide how let-down she was. She told me that with all she had heard about me she thought I was this tall handsome guy, not some one who would pass and no one will notice. I was embarrassed but not surprised. I have had similar experiences in the past.

All said life is about balance. The universe bespeaks of a sense of balance. The earth is neither too far nor too close to the sun. The extreme of either scenario is a disaster. God in His wisdom made the earth and placed it in a perfect balance between other planetary bodies. So too, intelligent creatures of God on earth should strive for balance. Even if you are very poor, you can make a good name with hard work, honesty, endurance and perseverance. Even when you lack the desired height or colour or shape, you can make up with good personal hygiene, good manners, working hard in your academics or given career! For persons who seem to have it all, the looks, the fame, the wealth and every thing seems to be going well for them, that is as far as you can see. These individuals if they don’t strive for balance and seek the qualities that would more readily come to those who lack the fortunes they have, sooner or later, they’ll pay the price guaranteed in a universe that abhors imbalance.

Too much of anything is bad. That is a truthful saying because there is no way you will pay so much attention to one thing that other things that are important in your life will not suffer. Take for example, you like going to church to worship God, which is good thing. But if you choose to go to church almost 24 hours in a day, you sleep, bathe and eat there; you don’t have time to study (if a student), no time to work (if a worker), no time for your family (a family person), no time to attend any social functions, other things will suffer and so will you. Jesus attended a wedding, a banquet thrown by a rich man, played with children who would not understand his teachings and still made his ministry of primary concern. He kept a balance. He was not a straitlaced person that everyone dreaded. He was loved. There are those who devote their lives to a career and at the end died very lonely, no family, and no friends. They failed to keep a sense of balance. Such individuals always have their regrets. I’m not saying that one should compromise his values. Far from it! All I’m saying is that we can strike a balance by engaging in other activities that doesn't violate our faith. And in whatever disadvantaged position we find ourselves, we can made the best of it for the greater good. In all we do, it pays to keep a sense of balance and a good sense of humour. Ultimately it pays!

 

Jokes in Pidgin (30) – ATM Palaver!

Those days wen ATM machine come new, we dey enjoy am. Now, ATM machines don spoil.
1. Those days wen you go ATM machine, wen you withdraw money, the machine go give you new sharp sharp freshly minted naira notes. These days, my people, if you go many ATM machine na old dirty money you go get. E get one day wen I go one ATM, the machine come give me old dirty and wet naira notes. Kai! If na bank counter dem give me dat money, I go reject am. What! I look the money, look the machine. I wish I fit push d money back inside the machine and my account go reverse back to the former status. I insult the machine dat day, “See you, na anything wen dey put inside you na’em you dey accept. You nor fit tell the person wen put the money, ‘This money cannot be processed, please enter brand new naira notes’ Na only our side you dey get power, ‘Your account is processing… chachachacha’… ‘ekpa' (fool).”
These days, I nor send whether dem dey deduct money or not, na only ATM wen dey give me better naira notes I dey use. E get some bank ATM wen dey represent wella. One day, I go use one ATM, the thing bring new achabe money. O boy. I reason wetin I wan buy, reason the new notes wen I collect. I come change my mind say I nor go use the money. I go keep am for house take do souvenir. Nor ask me if I don use the money o. I nor fit shout o!

2. Another thing wen dey vex me. You go ATM machine. Put card. Enter password. Click ‘withdraw’ and do every. The machine read ‘Transaction is completed’ but no money come out. Before you know, you go receive text message, ‘so so amount has been withdrawn from your account’ whereas money you nor see. One day I go one ATM. After I do the necessary, the machine say transaction completed but no money come out. Shuoo! Before I say Jack, I receive text message, ‘so so amount has been withdrawn from your account.’ I rush tell the bank security man say I dey withdraw money from ATM, money nor come but my account has bn debited of that amount. The security man say, ‘Try am again.’ What! Make I try am again. If I try am again, e go bring the old withdrawal and the new one together? Uhmmm. Try fire. Thank God na my bank ATM and na working hours, I come enter inside the bank to give someone or anyone a piece of my good mind. E take more than 24 hrs before my account reverse back.
I remember one man wen go one ATM, e withdraw but no money come out. My guy come say make em try am again, em withdraw, nothing come out. And dis guy need money ASAP. The suffer wen dis guy suffer before he get the money nor be small. Once beaten twice shy. I nor know how I go call dis man…….

3. ATM Abuse. Some time back, I went to an ATM machine. There was this long queue. Sorry, I go one ATM Machine, I come see long queue. I come take my position. The guy wen dey my front come dey receive call, ‘Hello, hello, you don send the money, I dey queue for one ATM machine. Abeg, send am before e go reach my turn.’ The guy come meet me say make I help am keep em space for am. Say e dey come, e wan go collect something come back. Shuoo! See this guy, money never enter your account and you dey here dey keep space in front of ATM machine. Na wa ooo. If dem leave dis guy, he go use em ATM Card take collect overdraft from em account.

I nor blame the guy joor. I remember wen I dey school. You know say if you nor get money, you go check all your shirt and trouser pockets whether you use mistake forget money somewhere. That time, if I dey broke, after I don check my room, I go carry my ATM Card go ATM Machine, go check whether I still forget money for my account. You know, you never can tell whether na the left hand wen you take deposit the money for your account make you forget. You know say, people dey say if you use left hand keep something, you go forget am.

That time for school, I dey go ATM Machine like who dey go toilet or bathroom. Na part of the daily routine, because you never can tell whether person use left hand keep money for your account and him come forget to tell you. One day, I broke, I enter ATM Machine, I check my account and lo and behold, there was money, Kudi, for my account. Na one of my people put money and forget to inform me and you know those days, you nor dey get text message alert. You get to go check your account before you receive the ministry of blessings. I thank God dat day for His wonderful works.

4. If you nor get money for your account and you dey go ATM Machine, you go dey pray make nobody dey there so that you can quickly check your zero account waka. That time for school, I go one ATM machine. I know say money nor dey but I just come check my account make em for nor lost. When I reach the ATM, I see some fine fine faces there queue up to use the ATM. O boy, I say if I use the machine and I nor collect money na falling hand, na so I codely form say the queue too long, no time to wait, I comot there ASAP. Somebody dey do ‘si si si’ (whistling to call my attention), I nor look back. I got a reputation to protect. Make I nor fall my rep.

I know say those ATM machines tire for me. I wish dem get artificial intelligence to talk their mind. When I show, even before I put card, the ATM go say, “Shuoo! Bros you nor dey tire self, nor be yesterday you come check your zero balance. Bros, your account is maintaining the status quo. Abeg, comot there, I dey feel heat.

I love Pidgin English Talk Talk (7) - Witchdom!

Funny things wen man don see – Witchdom!

Where I grow up, everything na witch. If you never marry and you don dey old, na witch cause am! If you nor get pikin after years of marriage, na witch cause am. If you fail exam, na witch. If your business nor get head, na witch. If your children wayward, na witch. If person dey sick, na witch. If the person come die, o boy na witch. Every thing witch witch witch, e nor dey finish. Dat is why the witch industry is booming in my place. You get native doctors, herbalist, igbe, and go-betweens (people wen dey claim publicly say dem be witch, if you get problem and you dey suspect one witch, the go-between guy go help you go coven, go intercede on your behalf). Others practice exorcism (those people wen dey remove the witch comot from person body). You still get home videos, TV shows and other programmes on witchcraft. An entire industry thriving on the witch doctrine. O boy, the day wen dem go say, witch nor dey again, many people will lose their jobs.

For my place, everybody na witch. The only person wen dey sure say you nor be witch na yourself. O boy, if you come use mistake dey ugly, black, short, old, your witchie nor get part two. If you use mistake do anyhow, you come carry disease wen dey make body dey swell up, men you are a witch until proven otherwise. Dem go tell you say, if you nor confess your witchcraft, na die be dat. If for one family, people dey die well well, dat family witch get Masters Degree. If you don dey old and you never marry or you never get pickin, your witchie na PhD, because my people say witch wen nor get husband or wife or children, na dat person witch dey strong pass. No body dey ever say so so thing na my fault. Nobody dey claim responsibility for any failure. Na witch neighbour or colleague or relation na em cause am. If road bad, accidents dey happen, na the blood-sucking witches wen dey the area dem go blame. Nobody dey blame govt for bad road accidents. If your pikin stubborn, no body dey consider say sometimes stubbornness is hereditary, dat pikin na witch dem go call am.

Na so wen I first enter school, wen things hard me, I go say, ‘dis witch people nor go let me rest’. Na so so I dey do until one day I come sit down tell myself say, ‘na me dey do myself’. Witch dey on e own, me dey own my own. I nor go blame witch for anything again. If anything bad happen, na me do myself. Na so my people. E come get one guy for school dat time. D guy dey like travel well well. E nor dey stay school, e nor dey read. So exam come, the guy come fail. The guy come open e mouth tell me say na witch cause am. I say, ‘O boy, shut up make person hear word. If you nor get wetin you go talk, blow whistle make bird they listen’. I come ask am say all those time wen you dey travel unko? The guy say na witch dey make am dey travel travel wen e nor dey stay one place. Sheee! Wetin witch nor go fit do. If na so witch get power, all men for don die finish ooo.

E get one teacher wen dem catch, e dey sleep with em student. D teacher say the girl na witch, say she use her witch take seduce am. Ojaaaaaaa! Person don suffer! Wetin witch eye go see. If everything na witch dey cause am, wetin be sin? Wetin be the sin wen you commit and wen you need to beg for forgiveness for if everything na witch cause am? How can someone beg God for forgiveness if his or her failings is caused by withcraft? If we are not responsible for our actions, on what basis shall we be judged? So my people, make we leave witch matter for Matthias. Make we dey talk truth wen go make even the Devil dey shame oo, make e for nor bring quarrel!

Jokes in Pidgin (29) – Olodo (Dullard) Squared and Unlimited!

Those days for school, he get one lecturer when like this word, ‘Olodo.’ It means person when nor know book or dullard (person when dull finish). This lecturer, if he dey teach and he ask student question, if the student nor get the answer, he go ask the student to stand, face the class and say: ‘I am Olodo.’ Epic humiliation! Well, that na small olodo. If you see correct olodo, you go bow.

 

For secondary school, he get one big boy when be olodo squared. This guy enter exam hall, he nor read. As the exam dey go on, he come sight one of em friends when dey hide dey use one textbook do expo. He come tell em friend to give am the book. When olodo collect book, he come ask: ‘Guy, where I go take start; where I go take stop.’ The guy wan Xerox the book (photocopy and paste).

 

E get one olodo for another school. The guy come from a very rich home. A day to exam, he call the teacher wen go set the exam.

Student: Bros, Bros… Which way? How the exam go be na?

Teacher: Hope you are reading. The questions are going to be very tough.

Student: Master Master… to talk truth, I never read oh. How you go take help me na? Just name your price.

Teacher: That is rude and inappropriate.

Student: Master, cool down na. I hear say you don give Janet some expo. I know say Janet na your girlfriend. Abeg, wetin you get for your boy. I go give you 20K (20,000naira) in advance until I see the result.

Teacher: Well… well… I’m just trying to help you, oh. Read assignment number 5, 12, 17, 29 and 33.

Student: Master, master… all those your long long assignment self. Abeg, summarize the answers in small microchips (paper clips). I go come your house come collect the answer. I go bring the dough (money).

 

Olodo wan write JAMB exam. He come dey look for person wen go impersonate am for the exam. He come meet one guy wen dey university. He feel say na everybody wen dey university know book. He say make the university guy impersonate am. Unfortunately, the university guy na Olodo unlimited. Na expo Olodo unlimited take pass enter university. So, exam day, Olodo unlimited come carry HB pencil: aaaaaaaaaa… bbbbbbbbbb… cccccccccccc…

ededededededede… facafacafacade…. bacabacabacabacabacabaca (e be like say na Barca fan!)… Na so Olodo unlimited dey shade toxic answers. When JAMB release results, Olodo’s result was seized. Olodo went to meet Olodo unlimited.

Olodo unlimited said: ‘Don’t mind JAMB, the result was seized because I answered too many questions correctly.’

Olodo: ‘Please, write the answers for me. Let me use it for the next exam. By dat time, I nor go answer all of them correctly. I go fail some.’

Olodo unlimited: ‘Go look for the JAMB past questions and answer. Copy that of last year. Na last year question dem go take set next year exam.’

Olodo: ‘Bros, thank you well well. You too much!’

Olodo Unlimited: ‘Where my balance?’

Olodo: ‘When I pass next year exam based on your advice, I go double the balance for you. If not, you go return the money wen I give you.’

Jokes in Pidgin (28) - Blackberry wahala!

Sometime ago, i go one ATM machine, one girl with her Blackberry dey withdraw money. She come dey delay. It took the combined effort of bystanders and bank security (community effort) to help her withdraw the money. I come dey wonder how she take dey use the BB. Maybe, na expo she dey use.

These days wen guys meet ladies, instead of phone numbers, they exchange PINs. Person wen nor get PIN, na wahala o. See:
1. Boy meets Girl, Boy likes Girl, Boy talks to Girl, Boy ask for phone no, Girl ask for PIN, Boy looks like mumu. Wahala dey o!
2. Boy meets Girl. Boy likes Girl. Boy talks to Girl. Boy takes Girl out. Girl asks for a Blackberry phone. Boy has no Blackberry phone. Boy cleared his account to buy the phone. Boy is broke. Boy turns mumu.
3. Boy meets Girl. Boy is holding Blackberry. Girl is holding hers too. Boy likes Girl's BB. Girl likes Boy's BB. Both share PIN. Both share every. Boy dumps girl. Girl looks like mumu.
4. Boy did not meet Girl face to face. Both met on BB. Both interacted on BB. Both fell in love on BB. Boy then meets Girl face to face. Boy doesn’t like the real Girl. Girl feels the same. Both look like MUMU squared.

Jokes in English – Hospital settings!

In one hospital, the doctor was exhausted after much work. So, he went home to get some rest. He asked the staff on duty to call him if something comes up. Shortly after, his phone rings:

Doctor: Hello.
Staff: Hello, doctor, there's an unconscious patient you need to see. The patient also has abdominal pain.
Doctor: How did you know he has abdominal pain?
Staff: The patient told me.

 

In another hospital, a doctor was consulting in his clinic. A man walked in. The doctor asked him what the problem was. The man replied: ‘Severe abdominal pain.’

Doctor: OK, lie down on the bed, let me examine you.

The man lied down on the examining couch.

Doctor: Use your finger to point where you are having the pain.

Man: Doctor, I’m not the one who is sick. It’s my child who is sick.

Doctor: Where is your child?

Man: He is outside with the mother.

 

In yet another hospital, the doctor does not understand the local language. So, he makes use of an interpreter. After seeing one patient, the doctor wrote some drugs for the patient, some of which were oral syrups. He asked the interpreter to tell the patient to shake the syrups very well before each use (the drug is to be taken thrice a day). To his surprise, he saw the interpreter and the patient vigorously shaking their bodies. He asked what the problem was.

Interpreter: I am demonstrating how he should shake his body. You said he should shake his body thrice a day before taking the drugs.