Jokes in Pidgin (30) – ATM Palaver!

Those days wen ATM machine come new, we dey enjoy am. Now, ATM machines don spoil.
1. Those days wen you go ATM machine, wen you withdraw money, the machine go give you new sharp sharp freshly minted naira notes. These days, my people, if you go many ATM machine na old dirty money you go get. E get one day wen I go one ATM, the machine come give me old dirty and wet naira notes. Kai! If na bank counter dem give me dat money, I go reject am. What! I look the money, look the machine. I wish I fit push d money back inside the machine and my account go reverse back to the former status. I insult the machine dat day, “See you, na anything wen dey put inside you na’em you dey accept. You nor fit tell the person wen put the money, ‘This money cannot be processed, please enter brand new naira notes’ Na only our side you dey get power, ‘Your account is processing… chachachacha’… ‘ekpa' (fool).”
These days, I nor send whether dem dey deduct money or not, na only ATM wen dey give me better naira notes I dey use. E get some bank ATM wen dey represent wella. One day, I go use one ATM, the thing bring new achabe money. O boy. I reason wetin I wan buy, reason the new notes wen I collect. I come change my mind say I nor go use the money. I go keep am for house take do souvenir. Nor ask me if I don use the money o. I nor fit shout o!

2. Another thing wen dey vex me. You go ATM machine. Put card. Enter password. Click ‘withdraw’ and do every. The machine read ‘Transaction is completed’ but no money come out. Before you know, you go receive text message, ‘so so amount has been withdrawn from your account’ whereas money you nor see. One day I go one ATM. After I do the necessary, the machine say transaction completed but no money come out. Shuoo! Before I say Jack, I receive text message, ‘so so amount has been withdrawn from your account.’ I rush tell the bank security man say I dey withdraw money from ATM, money nor come but my account has bn debited of that amount. The security man say, ‘Try am again.’ What! Make I try am again. If I try am again, e go bring the old withdrawal and the new one together? Uhmmm. Try fire. Thank God na my bank ATM and na working hours, I come enter inside the bank to give someone or anyone a piece of my good mind. E take more than 24 hrs before my account reverse back.
I remember one man wen go one ATM, e withdraw but no money come out. My guy come say make em try am again, em withdraw, nothing come out. And dis guy need money ASAP. The suffer wen dis guy suffer before he get the money nor be small. Once beaten twice shy. I nor know how I go call dis man…….

3. ATM Abuse. Some time back, I went to an ATM machine. There was this long queue. Sorry, I go one ATM Machine, I come see long queue. I come take my position. The guy wen dey my front come dey receive call, ‘Hello, hello, you don send the money, I dey queue for one ATM machine. Abeg, send am before e go reach my turn.’ The guy come meet me say make I help am keep em space for am. Say e dey come, e wan go collect something come back. Shuoo! See this guy, money never enter your account and you dey here dey keep space in front of ATM machine. Na wa ooo. If dem leave dis guy, he go use em ATM Card take collect overdraft from em account.

I nor blame the guy joor. I remember wen I dey school. You know say if you nor get money, you go check all your shirt and trouser pockets whether you use mistake forget money somewhere. That time, if I dey broke, after I don check my room, I go carry my ATM Card go ATM Machine, go check whether I still forget money for my account. You know, you never can tell whether na the left hand wen you take deposit the money for your account make you forget. You know say, people dey say if you use left hand keep something, you go forget am.

That time for school, I dey go ATM Machine like who dey go toilet or bathroom. Na part of the daily routine, because you never can tell whether person use left hand keep money for your account and him come forget to tell you. One day, I broke, I enter ATM Machine, I check my account and lo and behold, there was money, Kudi, for my account. Na one of my people put money and forget to inform me and you know those days, you nor dey get text message alert. You get to go check your account before you receive the ministry of blessings. I thank God dat day for His wonderful works.

4. If you nor get money for your account and you dey go ATM Machine, you go dey pray make nobody dey there so that you can quickly check your zero account waka. That time for school, I go one ATM machine. I know say money nor dey but I just come check my account make em for nor lost. When I reach the ATM, I see some fine fine faces there queue up to use the ATM. O boy, I say if I use the machine and I nor collect money na falling hand, na so I codely form say the queue too long, no time to wait, I comot there ASAP. Somebody dey do ‘si si si’ (whistling to call my attention), I nor look back. I got a reputation to protect. Make I nor fall my rep.

I know say those ATM machines tire for me. I wish dem get artificial intelligence to talk their mind. When I show, even before I put card, the ATM go say, “Shuoo! Bros you nor dey tire self, nor be yesterday you come check your zero balance. Bros, your account is maintaining the status quo. Abeg, comot there, I dey feel heat.