Jokes in Pidgin English (33) – Withhold and See!

Funny things wen man dey see! Long ago, i get one good friend wen dey visit me wella. This guy don finish sch; he still dey plan the way forward. Every time wen he visit, if him wan waka, i go give am small change to hold him side, make e nor lost. Anytime i give this guy money he go say, 'Bros, you don start again. I nor dey like say anytime i come here, you must give me something.' Every time i go beg the guy to collect because i reason say he nor get work. Na so the guy dey do like say i dey use my hard-earned money dey embarass am. So one day, i come decide say next time this guy show, i nor go give am kobo. So, wen the guy show, we gist, watch film, eat wella. So wen the guy wan go, i escort am small, say bye-bye, i nor give am anything. O boy, many months don pass, i nor see this guy again. I call am for phone, 'Guy, how far na? I nor see you again. You don forget me?' The guy reply, 'Bros, i dey very busy these days, i nor dey get chance. You know say your place far well well.' Till now, i nor see the guy breaklight. The thing dey pain me. Small test wen i give this guy, he fall break leg. But this strategy dey work o. If you get friend wen na only 'come chop, come drink, come take' e sabi, try this my test. I dey call am, 'Withhold and see'.

Reflections – The Last two standing: Honesty and Humility!

 

Sometimes, all we really have left is our honesty and humility. We are all imperfect. Everyone make mistakes. We cannot guarantee anyone that we won't make mistakes but we can guarantee all that we have the capacity to be honest and humble enough to admit our mistakes. When we err as a husband, wife, child, father, mother, brother, sister, friend or colleague, all we really have left is the honesty and humility to admit our error. When we lose all our possessions, when all our credentials no longer matter, when we lose the beauty and physique of youthfulness, even when we lose a good name or reputation, yes, even at that point we still have the virtue of honesty and humility.

 

Don't look for the perfect friend or person because there ain't. Look for the honest and humble one; the one who can own up to his mistake instead of lying to very your face. When we fail in our exams, trials, temptations, personal endeavours, all we have left is our honesty and our humility to seek for help. We humbly and honestly admit our wrong to God in prayer; for God values honesty and humility. Our friends and loved ones will always cherish our honesty and humility whether they admit it or not. We can't assure anyone that we would always be above board and that we would always remain unassailable in every imaginable way. What we can assure those close to us and others involved in our dealings is the tested and trusted virtues of honesty and humility.

We may not have beauty or intelligence or wealth or fame, but we all have the ability to be humble and honest. It's a choice we can all make. When a man makes a mistake or errs in his way, that maybe unavoidable and even unwitting; but if he lies about it, that is not a mistake. That’s a choice. The greatest of evils are dishonesty (lying) and pride. Those are the things that have and would destroy this world. Make no mistake, there is nothing pride & lies will get you that humility and honesty won't, even better. Some think they can only get what they want by lying. Truth they say, is bitter. While some get away with lies and succeed in what they do, such ones will know no peace of mind. What lies will get you; the truth will get you more. What matters is the way you put the truth: is it with humility or pride? Ultimately, the truth will always win when paired with humility. Remember, even when we lose all we have, we still have honesty and humility. If we lose them, we are finished and done. The two go together. You can't display genuine honesty without humility just as you can't stay humble when you're dishonest. Safeguard your honesty and be humble because when the chips are down that may be our saving grace.

Heb. 13:18: ' Carry on prayer for us, for we trust we have an honest conscience, as we wish to conduct ourselves honestly in all things.'
Prov. 18:12: 'Before a crash the heart of man is lofty, and before glory there is humility.'
Prov. 30:7, 8: 'Two things i have asked of you. Do not withhold them from me before I die. Untruth and the lying word put far away from me. Give me neither poverty nor riches. Let me devour the food prescribed for me'
Prov 6:16, 17: 'There are six things that Jehovah hate; yes seven are things detestable to his soul: lofty eyes [pride], a false tongue [dishonesty]....'

When is the right time to say, 'I'm broke'?

‘I’m Broke!’

We often hear people say, ‘I’m broke’ when they have no money. The issue is: when is the right time to say, ‘I’m broke?’ Before I give the different scenarios where people say, ‘I’m broke,’ let’s find out the dictionary meaning of the word ‘broke’. Oxford Advanced Learner’s Dictionary (7th Edition) defines the word broke as ‘having no money.’ Now:

Scenario 1: I’m broke. I meant I have no money at all. No money in the house. No money on me. No money in the bank. My bank account has reached its nadir (i.e. zero, no ‘chin chin’); account is reading: ‘danger’ (red).

Scenario 2: I’m broke. I meant I have no money on me or in the house but my account is loaded. Just that I don’t want to touch or spend the money in the account. It’s my savings. That is to say, ‘I’m broke’ but I have 1 million in my account. (Hope u understand, na example I give o, nor be reality; to avoid stories that touch.)

Scenario 3: I’m broke. I meant I have no money in hand. I have money in a fixed deposit account and I can’t touch it even if I want to.

Scenario 4: I’m broke. I have no money on me, that is no money in my wallet or pocket or bag but I have some dollars stashed somewhere in the house (under the bed, under the house, etc) for insurance or emergencies.

Scenario 5: I’m broke. It does not mean I don’t have money to use. Just that I've reached my baseline or I’m approaching my baseline. My baseline may be 5K or 10K or 20K or 100K or 1 million or above.

Scenario 6: I’m broke. I have money to spend but I don’t have any money to share. Let’s say a friend asked you for money and you say, ‘I’m broke,’ it simply means that you have money for your own personal needs but none to give out.

Scenario 7: I’m broke. I have some money for my personal needs but no money to ‘groove’. No money for ‘jolly-jolly.’ No money to paint the town red. No money to take friends out.

There may be others. But the question is: from your heart of heart, in which of the above scenarios could we truly say ‘I’m broke?’ A penny for your thought, please!

I posed this question on Facebook some months back. Here are the responses are I got:

K.O I seriously think the first scenario! if one is broke, it truly means no money anywhere at all. my own opinion sha!

G. P I agree wt Kay.Shd b d rt thng, but most times we refer t Scns 5-7, esp wen som1 nids our help fnancialy or wen peopl r around. Pretenc, Pity or both. Am also guilty.....'wink'. 'Bankrupt'.....

E. R 4rm my hrt of hrt,scenario 1 is more apt as it justifies d true meaning of bein broke...my opinion anyway.

Is it proper/right to say, 'Come and eat (Come join me at the table) if you don't mean it?

Funny – ‘Come chop’! ‘Come and eat’!

This issue has brought heated arguments between me and my friends back then in school. The issue is: when you are about to eat and you ask the people around you, ‘Come and eat,’ is it out of formality or do you really mean it? There are different schools of thought:

1) It’s mere formality just like when say, ‘Good morning’
2) It’s cultural. It is said that in some cultures, it’s impolite to eat your food without inviting the people around you.
3) It’s hypocritical or insincere to invite someone to join you at the table when you don’t really mean it. You should invite people only when you mean it, because, what if the person(s) decides to join you when in actual fact you don’t want them to. Won't that amount to telling a lie?
4) It’s greedy not to invite people around you to join you at the table.
5) It’s a sign of generosity and kindness to invite those around you to join you even when the food is too small to share.
6) It’s the nature of some who do not like to eat alone. I know a friend who said he does not like to eat alone, so whenever other people are around, he sincerely invites them to join him. He prefers eating with others.

What school of thought are you? Is it one of the above, some of the above, all of the above, or none of the above? This na B.Sc question o. Allow me relate one story:
It happened in UNIBEN years ago. One boy in the boys’ hostel was so hungry and it seemed he had no money on him. So he decided to visit a female friend in the girls’ hostel. When he got there his friend was not around but he met the room-mate. At first he was disappointed. But then he noticed the room-mate was about to eat. This guy thanked his stars for being so fortunate. This guy then offered to wait for his friend who was away. The lady in the room, after serving herself to eat, invited this guy to eat out of mere formality. She thought the guy was one of those guys who play ‘the Big Boy’ even when they are hungry. To her great surprise, this guy not only accepted, he positioned himself to join in the meal. This guy ate and ate and ate. ‘Hunger na bad thing ooo’. The guy threw courtesy and decency to the wind; he ate until he was filled. The girl confessed to her friends, ‘See me, see wahala! I invited this guy out of mere courtesy o. This guy come finish my food.’ So, here lies the question: Was it the right thing to do, inviting the guy to join her when she had no intention of sharing her meal? What do you think is the right thing to do: to invite or not to invite? ‘Come chop, na bad thing?’

I posed the above questions to my Facebook friends sometime ago. Here's a summary of their responses:

S.A -  I don't invite when I know I'm not ready to share. period

P.A - Feel @ home nor mean say mk you break Tv....if i call u come chop nor 

mean say make u finish my food u go use ur mind

M.O - I only invite wen I want to cos I wouldn't want to share "bad-bellely"but cheerfully

J.O - But seriously me no sabi form sha, if i want u to come & join me i'll call u. But if i don't want u to, i'll wait until u go b4 bringing out d food. No be by force.

Z.E.O - But,it's a nice thing eating wit ur friends. Infact, it makes me eat more.

G.P - If I invite u, I sincerely want u to eat wt me. If d fud is small, I'l kip it till u're gon n get somthng else 4 u.

  

Jokes in Pidgin English (32) – New bike, New Wife!

For North na new bikes dey rain (popular). If person work work and em wan show say e don dey arrive, e go go buy new authen bike. E go take am parade the neighbourhood, ‘vaaaaaaan vaaaaan.’ E get one staff for my work, e buy new bike. Em colleagues come gather round dey admire the bike. One of them tell am say, ‘O boy, na to marry another wife now.’ My guy dey smile… I come dey wonder, if person buy new bike, e don acquire the status of marrying a new wife?

 E get one man, he don marry. One day, he tell the wife say he wan buy new bike. Eh eee! The wife say, ‘haaa, you don forget say Mariama never pay sch fees, what of the new cloth wen you say go buy for me…’ Na so this woman dey complain about many many things. If you hear dis woman, you go think say she nor want the husband to buy new bike because of the expenses for the home. Lie lie! My brother, nor be say she nor want the husband to buy new bike ooo, na wetin the husband go use the bike do na’em dey fear her. She know say the moment he buy the bike, use am take tour the full area, the next thing, another wife go come join for her for the house.

Jokes in Pidgin English (31) – ‘By force Inaugural lecture!’

E get one student those days wen things dey hard for school. No money. No foodstuff. Em come go see one of him brosses for help. This bross come take my guy sit down. Bross come start:

‘Youths of nowadays! You people are having it easy now. In our days, we worked hard to go to school. We go to the farm to plant, weed and harvest before we get school fees. We go to the river to catch fish for sale (on and on with ancient personal history)…..

These days, you guys don’t want to do anything. You ask for everything. Why can’t you look for a part-time job to do? You can save some money and start your own small business. You can…. (on and on with heroic business ideals).

You see. You are like a son to me. I know things are difficult but I must tell you the truth. Things are not easy. We have to be humble. We need to be hard-working and industrious. You have to be wise... (on and on with the great lessons of life)

I’m not finding it easy too. My child just finished from so and so. My wife has been ill. My business is not going well as before (on and on with recent personal history.)

My guy dey form listening and nodding as if the gist dey sweet am. Meanwhile, the guy mind dey boil. He dey reason for em mind since:

‘Na waooo. When this lecture go end na? This na by force Inaugural Lecture o. Na small money wen I ask you make you dey give me all this history and lessons. Bros abeg, summarize and conclude make I dey go, I dey hurry. Instead of you to say no money, you dey here dey blow grammer since morning. Shuoo. I nor get money, na quarrel! If I need history, I go carry history book read. If I need lessons in life, I go read Proverbs and other inspirational books. Na waoo. Money good o. If money really dey now, we nor go get time for this tales my moonlight ooo. Well, e go better.’

Bross continue: ‘as I was saying (and on and on it went). Hey, John, John, are you sleeping? You must be tired.’

My guy: ‘yes Bross... I need to go home and rest.’

Thanks for listening! The End!

Jokes in English – Receiving phone calls on a date!

There was this guy who met a very lovely lady. There was a mutual attraction and they got started on ‘something.’ The lady, in order to prove that she was not just there for the taking but that she was in hot demand in town, kept telling this guy of other guys who were interested in her. Fed up with the tales of the supposed competition, this guy told the lady that there is a particular lady who was dying for him but that he wasn't interested. They arranged a lunch date. Unknown to the other, they both arranged to prove their respective claims on that date.

The lady arranged with some of her male friends to call her at the lunch time. The guy arranged with a lady friend to call him during the lunch date.

Lunch time! The lady was receiving calls every 5 mins from her ‘mystery’ guys and each call last few minutes. ‘Hello, John, how’s work? No, I’m having lunch with a friend. OK . Nice day, bye.’ ‘Hello, Chris! Where are you? OK... Are you driving? OK...  When are you traveling to US? OK...  Safe trip when you travel!’ ‘Hello, Joey. What’s that sound on the background? Don’t tell me you are still at the hospital? How are your patients? No, I’m not at home. I’m having lunch with a friend.’

Half way into the lunch, the guy received his own call. ‘Hello, Jane! How are you doing? You’re still at work, I guess! How’s it going? No, I’m out with a friend……’ They talked for 30 mins non-stop. His date was getting impatient and irritated. At long last, the call ended. The lady inquired: ‘Is that the lady you told me about?’ ‘Yeah!’ ‘She must be one rich babe. You guys talked for like forever.’ ‘Yeah, she’s a manager in one these new generation banks.’ ‘Really…? That’s….. hmm….. something.’

Who’s fooling who? Even if the whole world is dying for you, must you flaunt it? Will you marry the ‘whole world’?