Funny things we hear!

A friend once told me this conversation:

Man: I love you with all my kidneys
Lady: Why kidneys?
Man: Because someone has broken my heart.

Another conversation:

Lady: John, I don't like you. In short, I hate you.
Eugene: Hmmm… Sometimes, I hate myself. So, you are not alone!"

One bright morning, one man took a bike on his way to work. On their way, the bike man was driving fast and carelessly. The man asked the bike man to slow down. The bike man replied, 'You too dey fear. Why you dey fear? If God say nor be your time, nothing go happen.’

The man said, 'I dream yesterday and God say now is not my time, drop me joooo. Maybe your own time don reach. Go carry person when go escort you go there.’

O man, na joke o…

Short Fiction (2) – Who killed this man?

One fateful day, a man was driving from one city to another. He then came across a group of armed robbers on the highway. He managed to meander his way through and escaped the robbers. Thinking that the robbers were in hot pursuit, he drove with high speed into the nearby town hitting a pedestrian in the process. He thought of stopping to help the man he hit but fear of the robbers he was running from and the wrath of the people around who witnessed the accident made him run away from the scene to a police station in the next town to report his ordeal. Sadly, the pedestrian he hit was recently diagnosed with end-stage kidney disease. He was going to die without a kidney transplant which he could not afford. A lot was going through his mind when he got hit as he attempted to cross the road.

Meanwhile, a Good Samaritan at the scene of the accident decided to use his vehicle to rush the critically wounded pedestrian to a nearby government hospital. In his haste to get there he was speeding and in order to avoid a head-on collision with a drunken motorist who was overtaking in a dangerous bend, he swerved into a nearby bush. His vehicle overturned several times. He sustained minor injuries because he was wearing a seatbelt but his wounded passenger whom he was rushing to the hospital had no seatbelt on, thereby sustaining more injuries. Eventually, another vehicle came along and they were taken to the government hospital. Unknown to them, health workers were on strike and the hospital was not functional. They left for a private hospital where they were refused treatment without the presence of a policeman and/or deposit down payment. At long last, they got attended to in another hospital where the wounded pedestrian was declared BID (brought in dead).

Who is responsible for his death?

a. The 1st driver blames the robbers he was running from and
the sick pedestrian who didn't pay attention to the road before crossing. Maybe the pedestrian was suicidal because of his terminal illness.
b. Witnesses of the 1st accident blame the hit-and-run driver.
c. Witnesses of the 2nd accident blame the speeding Good Samaritan and the drunk driver who was overtaking in a dangerous bend.
d. The Good Samaritan blames (1) hit-and-run driver. (2) Drunk driver (3) health workers who were on strike (4) the government whose failures led to the workers' strike.
e. Some would say the dead man just had a bad day with a string of misfortunes. Was it is his time? Who is to blame?

Lesson: sometimes, life can be complicated. The truth of daily living can sometimes be very complicated.

Jokes in Pidgin English (43) – Small money get value!

These days ATM machines get wahala. Na long long queues people dey stand now to collect. I nor know why Naija ATM machine na jagbajagba (e don spoil) unlike before. If you see queue for ATM now you go run. It’s even faster to withdraw money inside bank than to use ATM card.

That is why these days if you nor get better money to withdraw, nor go ATM ooo. These days, na big embarrassment to go withdraw money for ATM. Because as you dey withdraw, thousands are behind you waiting for their turn. If na shekele (small) money you collect, them go know. Don’t advertise your poverty.

E get one day, I go one ATM machine. As we dey wait one guy for front withdraw 1,000 naira. The guy for my back say, ‘Na because of 1K make you dey waste our time here.’ Hmmm… 1K na small money abi?

Another day, I go ATM, one guy come meet me say, ‘Bros, the machine dey give 500 naira?’ I answer: ‘I nor sure. Na mostly one one thousand naira note, the machine dey release.’ The guy say, ‘Me, na just 500naira I wan withdraw.’ I pity the guy that day. I wish I hold money that day, maybe I for give am a helping hand. But on that day, what I wanted to withdraw has been calibrated with ruler and pencil. Any shortage na wahala. My people, if 1K nor get value, see somebody wen come withdraw 500naira.

If you get small amount for your account, nor go ATM to withdraw am ooo. If you do, I nor dey there. He get one time like that things happen. I say make I go clear one of my accounts. When I reach the ATM, do every, press withdraw, the machine do like say e wan pay. But money nor come out. Before I say Jack, I receive text message say I don withdraw and my account is red. O boy, nor be small something. It took me a lot to get that money back. Word for the wise: If you need money for something important and urgent: enter bank, go to the cashier and collect the money. If you depend on ATM, you go hear wa'in.

Still on the story, if you wan know if money get value, consider the following:

If you wan know if 5naira get value, enter Molue commercial bus for Lagos and make your money dey short of 5naira, na then you go know wetin dey!

If you wan know the value of 20naira, make pocket picker pick your pocket and carry all your money and the you just need 20naira to take transport home. Na so for Benin that year, them pocket pick all my money for Ring Road. O boy, no money to take transport of 20naira then back to Ugbowo. Na beg I beg one guy wen I don buy books from before. Before the guy agree to give me 20bucks, na die. Thank God I had my ID that day. If not na suffer I for suffer.

If you wan know the value of 2naira 50K, ask the madame wen dey photocopy.

If you wan know the value of one one naira coins, ask the beggar on the streets or road junction.

No matter how small the money is, somebody somehow somewhere knows the value. Sometimes in life, when you get, you may not know the value of small money until circumstances present you with a hard choice. Na so I see am, take care!

Jokes – Akwa-Ibom man and his daughter (Warning: It’s just a joke! No more, no less)

There was this Akwa-Ibom man whose daughter traveled to the US some years back. The daughter was single when she left. He has been expecting the daughter to get married and settle down. No way! So, when the time came and the daughter arranged for him to visit the US, this issue was no. 1 on his agenda. When he got to his daughter’s home, he noticed one handsome young American man who always visits the daughter. He became hopeful. He then asked the daughter, ‘Who is this nice and handsome young man who comes visiting all the time?’

The daughter said, ‘He’s my good friend.’

Father: ‘Gbam! (Exclamation) That’s what I’m talking about! When is he coming to ask for your hand in marriage?’

Daughter: ‘No, dad! He’s just a friend.’

Father: ‘Well, that’s how all relationships start ‘na’?’

Daughter: ‘Father, you don’t understand?’

Father: ‘Understand what? Is he sick?’

Daughter: ‘No, he’s not sick. He’s gay!’

Father: ‘Gay what! I think he’s sick!’

Daughter: ‘Dad, no. That was the way he was born!’

Father: ‘Hmm… I’m telling you, he’s sick. Bring him to Akwa-Ibom and I tell you, within, one week, we shall find the cure.’

Daughter: ‘That’s who he is! He’s found himself and he’s come out of the closet.’

Father: ‘I’m telling you. Bring him to Akwa-Ibom. Within one week, he will change his name.’

Daughter: ‘Dad, you don’t understand. When I came to US, I realized that I’m not really into men. I like girls and I want to come out of the closet.’

Father: ‘Abomination! Please, stay in the closet and give me the keys. Let me throw the key in the ocean on my way back to Africa.’

Daughter: ‘Daddy, it’s who I am!’

Father: ‘O Abasi (God)… Adiaba, my daughter, after all the magic you performed in Akwa-Ibom, you’ve come to US to like girls. Who is deceiving you? Oh… oh… oh…’

Daughter: ‘Daddy, I was young then. I didn’t know who I was. But I've grown up. I’ve even changed my name.’

The father fainted!

Jokes in Pidgin English (42) – Ajebu and Kpako in Labour!

If you see two women in labour, you can tell who be Ajebu (grew up in a privileged home) or Kpako (grew up in a less privileged home) by the things they say when they in pains.

You see Ajebu grow up in a rich well-to-do home. When she dey small, if you beat Ajebu, she go cry, ‘Mummy! Daddy!’ Everything na, ‘I’ll tell my mum and daddy.’ So, when Ajebu don grow up, marry and get belle (pregnancy), wetin she do for small pikin level, na so she go continue as adult. When Ajebu dey labour, she go shout: ‘Mummy! Mummy! Honey! Honey! Darling, where are you? I’m in pains.’

But if Kpako dey labour, the story must change. You know say Kpako don suffer before. When she dey small, if you beat am, she go curse you, ‘Your Papa! Your Mama. You dey craze! Na my body you dey get power! Go beat you mate, ode!’ That is why when Kpako woman grow up, marry, get belle and come dey labour, she go dey insult the husband and all and sundry: ‘Johnbull, where you dey? Johnbull, with your big head, where you dey? Na you put me for this one o. Na you put me for this wahala. Johnbull, e nor go better for you ooo… John… bull ooo… Nurse, where you dey with your white garment. The thing dey pain me ooo…’

ODE TO AN ANCIENT CITY!

TO A 'LAND OF PROMISE'!

‘Promise Land, how does one get there?’ You may wonder.

Some got there by crossing the Niger;

Some others came from across the border;

From afar, some saw the land from yonder.

A land that offers hope and order;

A land of milk and honey-filled sweetener!

A place of commerce and legal tender!

Some came to bid, others came for the plunder.

Everyone came: from an officeholder to a shareholder;

From a plumber to a builder;

From a pay loader driver to a freeloader!

Will this land live up to the hype or will it be a bummer?

A man came to this land as a settler;

He was willing to work his way to be a stakeholder

In order to live his dreams and prosper.

There was no disappointment or blunder;

The land lived up to its name and founder.

Before long, he became a jobholder.

Thereafter, he became a cardholder and a landholder.

At the turn of the years, he was a key holder

To many properties and interests; indeed, a sure leader!

The story soon had its ups and downs like a changing weather.

The fairy tale was shattered by the sound of thunder.

The air was thick with smoke and smell of gunpowder.

The settlers shuddered in disbelief and anger

The whispers of fear and dread grew louder.

‘What’s happening in Promise Land?’ They ponder.

As time passed by, many gave way to pity and surrender

For they soon realized that they had no defender.

The struggles of men and their hopes were put asunder.

“This is the final bus-stop. Wake up from your slumber.”

He was awoken by the bus conductor in a bad manner.

“It was just a nightmare,” He thought in relief and good cheer.

To his surprise, he heard the familiar voice of an elder:

“Hello, Son! How was the Promised Land?” This voice was tender.

But to him that question was no appetizer.

Promise!

Jokes in Pidgin English (41) - Quarrel quarrel for earth, settle for heaven!

He get people wen dey like quarrel. Dem love quarrel. Quarrel be like food for them. Especially women but some woman men are also implicated in this diagnosis. He get people, when dem wake up in the morning, dem go dey look for quarrel to use brush mouth, bath and take breakfast with quarrel. Quarrel be like daily medicine. If them nor quarrel for the whole day, dem go sick for lack of exercising their quarreling capabilities and mouth prowess. Dem dey look for quarrel from anywhere:

If you nor greet them, them go say: ‘You nor dey greet person. Who be your mate?’ Quarrel don start.

If you greet them, them go say: ‘Na so your mate dey greet? Na so dem dey greet for your village?’ Quarrel don start.

If you greet them, ‘Good morning, Madame.’ Quarrel don start. ‘Na who you dey call Madame. You think say I be old Mama. How many years I take senior you?’

E get one lady wen dey like quarrel. She dey like to be involved in quarrel either as an originator, participant, contestant, or judge. One day, she just dey dull. She never quarrel that day and its 5pm. She never take her quarrel medi’ci’ne for that day. She come see two young boys arguing and fighting. She happy:

‘Why, why, why, why, why who na dey quarrel? Who na nor know say quarreling and fighting nor good? Wetin start this quarrel? Who start this quarrel? Who na nor dey talk?’

The boys reply: ‘Nor be quarrel we dey o. Na play play fight we dey.’

‘Oh… Hmmm... OK na…’