Jokes in Pidgin English (48) – I wanna marry, I wanna marry!

He get one guy wen one marry. He come look for one correct authentic tear rubber chassis naija oyinbo lady. He come they go out with the lady. Today na Mr.Bigg’s, tomorrow na GT Plaza, another day, na Sizzlers, etcetera etcetera (I love this grammar!). Nor do nor do, one day the guy foodstuffs come finish for house. He ma dey try to arrange house wakis (food) once in a while. So, this guy come call the girlfriend,

‘Hello dear, please, I've ran out of foodstuff in the house, please, can you drop by the market and buy some food items and drop them at the house.’

The lady answer,

‘Yes, darling! Your wish is my command. I’ll do just that.’

After some hours, she call the guy,

‘Darling, I've dropped the items you requested at the house.’

My guy come dey get hope. Men, he feel say things are well arranged at home. So, instead of eating outside, he decided to go home and prepare some home-made food. O boy, when he got home, he saw enough food stuffs/items:

·       2 cartoons of big-size Indolmie

·       1 cartoon of Gala

·       1 cartoon of cakes

·       2 packs of biscuits

·       Beverages: Milk, Bournvita, etc.

·       Packs of refined sugar

·       1 carton of fruit juice

·       Cartons of canned soft drinks: coke, malt drinks, etc.

·       Cartons of bottled water

·       1 crate of eggs

·       Bottles of vegetable oils

·       Bottles of wine

·       Bottles of mayonnaise

·       Loaves of bread

·       1 Mr. Biggs take-away pack of fried rice and chicken

O boy, na so food stuffs full everywhere. My guy frustrate and he lamented:

‘No garri, no semovita, no yam, no plantain, no red oil, no vegetables, no meat, no fish, no fruits (orange, mangoes, water melon, etc), no onions, no okro, no melon, no ‘Ogbolo’, no pepper, no salt, no spices, nothing to use to prepare correct wakis (food). O boyeee.’

The guy come dey reason a lifetime of Indolmie, Gala, Cakes, biscuits, soft drinks, bread, wine and take-aways. I wanna marry! I wanna marry! This is a lifetime of overweight, obesity, diabetes, hypertension, arteriosclerosis, and the rest.

The guy pick phone, call em mama,

‘Mama, mama, I can’t do this. I wanna come to the village. I wanna come home. I don’t wanna die young.’

Jokes in Pidgin English (47) – Night Party; Nigeria’s ban on ‘homo’ (gays)!

See, na joke o. E get one guy when dey like night party. Lots of drinking, dancing with poor lighting! One day, the guy go one party. As usual, he was dancing, singing, drinking, etcetera etcetera (I like this grammar). After a while, he noticed another guy was dancing too close for comfort. Na so my guy tell the other guy,

‘O boy, I nor be babe, I be guy o.’ (Thinking the guy was too drunk not to notice)

The other guy reply,

‘I know.’

My guy say,

‘You know wetin?’

The guy answered,

‘I know say you be guy. Me, I dey like guys.’

My guy hala,

‘Shuooooooooo! Kweke ooooo (no English version but na exclamation remarks)! Ogheneme (My God)!’

 My guy run reach house. My guy come dey reason,

‘This one wan Nigeria Congress abi na Parliament don ban ‘homo’ (gays) with the punishment of 14 years imprisonment, anybody wen use mistake go dance anyhow, dem come suspect say na ‘homo’, na prison be dat. Hmmm… na waooo. Me, I nor go that kind night party again ooo… ‘

That was the last time my guy go night party. O man, abi na O people, na joke oooooooooooooooooooooo. I nor dey there oooooooooooooooo.....

Jokes in Pidgin English (46) – Some kind questions self???

E get questions wen dey make me vex. E.g.

1.  When you reach your working place, your co-worker go ask you,

‘You don come work?’

Na which kind question be that? You see me with tie, you dey ask me whether I don come work? I never come work. I wear the tie for exercise.

2. You dey your house dey chop food, your neighbor come ask you,

‘You dey chop?’

No, I nor dey chop. I dey use food do throat exercise, ‘gbulogbulogbulo…’

3. One day, I sit down outside one evening with my laptop, somebody come waka small small come my back. When I notice say person dey my back, I carry my laptop jump up. I nor know whether na thief. You know the question wen the guy ask me,

‘Are you fearing?’

No, I nor dey fearing. You see me wan run with my laptop, you dey ask me ‘Are you fearing?’ Wait, make I enter my house, lock my door, then you go know if I be fear fear. I go give you slap thru my door.

4. You and person dey house since morning, no food. When you cook finish late afternoon, you come dey ask,

‘You go chop?’

Hmmm… why not ask, ‘You sabi chop? Or, you know how to chop? Or, you get mouth?’ Dem dey teach hungry man eating lessons?

5. You and a lady friend came out of a restaurant. When you both came out, you saw that it was raining heavily. The question the lady asked was,

‘Is the rain heavy?’

O girl, the food when you chop don blind you? Even if you blind, you nor get ears to hear? Haba? The rain is not heavy, the heavy pounding you hear on the roof is made by some musicians up there.

6. Her next question,

‘Will it stop soon?’

Yes, na me be the manufacturer and producer of the rain. Na my Papa dey control the rain. Where I put the remote again?

7. You and the lady friend reach house.  You open door like a gentleman and make every gesture for her to come in, the question she will ask,

‘Can I come in?’

No, stay outside make rain beat you, my friend!

8. When you and your friend enter house, next question,

‘Do you have a room heater?’

Yes, like the type wen dey your Papa house. Why you nor put am for hand-bag carry am follow body, so that the thing go dey blow you heat for road?

Jokes in Pidgin English (45) – Many Names – Ladies First!

One guy meet one lady. The guy ask the lady her name, she say, ‘I’m Cynthia.’ Another day, him and the lady dey waka for road, dem come jam one other guy when call the lady, ‘Chioma.’ The lady explain say that na her native name. Another day, another friend of hers call her, ‘Charity.’ She come explain say that name her middle name.

Later later, when the relationship don dey get head (make progress), she come tell the guy say for their house for village, na Chidimma Okafor dem dey call her. One day, the lady travel, she ma come broke, no money. She call the guy, ‘Bros, I dey broke o, abeg, send me money make I take manage.’

The guy say, ‘No problem, send me your account details, so that I can send some money into your account.’

When the lady send the account, the account name was Chidiebere Comfort Obioma. When the guy see the account name, the guy hala, ‘Wetin be this? How many names this lady get?’

The guy come reply, ‘I thought your name was Chidimma Charity Okafor. Who be this Chidiebere Comfort Obioma?’

The lady explain, ‘Sorry, my account had a problem, so I sent my half-sister’s account. That’s my half-sister’s name.’

Meanwhile, the guy has been maintaining the same name Charles from day 1. But on this occasion, he provoke. Charles reply: ‘OK. I go wait. When you fix your own account with your own name, call me. By the way, my real name is Akponagagaoghenemuedekaye Okiemute Part 1. The part 2 nor dey enter computer.  I’m having problem with my account too. Them say my full name don crash the bank network. I’ll get back to you in due course when the network is restored.’

My people, na joke ooo. Abeg, I nor call person name oooooo....

Jokes – Benue man and Alcohol!

I am from Sapele, Delta State, and from Sapele comes the term ‘Sapele water.’ ‘Sapele water’ stands for the local alcoholic gin. So, it would follow that people from Sapele drink a lot of alcohol. When I came to Benue, I realized that calling alcohol or local gin, ‘Sapele water’ is a misnomer. It should be called, ‘Benue water’ with all due respects. Please, let's give honour to whom honour is due. Why?

1.  In Benue, beer parlours are everywhere and the alcohol flows like ‘pure’ water.

2. In other places, beer parlours open in the evening and night. In Benue, they open 24/7. In the morning and afternoon, the doors are open and the chairs are permanently arranged. No break. No diurnal variation if you know what I mean.

3.In Benue, neighbours who sell alcohol don’t compete for customers. They know that there are more than enough customers to go round… etc.

One Benue man went for an interview in Lagos. This guy drinks alcohol at breakfast, lunch, dinner, before bed and when he wakes up. He even dreams of drinking alcohol in his sleep. This guy took along road trip to Lagos. While he was waiting for his turn, he dozed off. There were many other people around him waiting as well. Before long, this guy started dreaming and he was saying out loud, ‘Madame, another round… Please! Madame, please, another round.’ The guy sitting next to him tapped him, ‘Guy, wake up, wake up. You want another round of what? .... By the way, you are next in line for the interview.’

Just a thought – A concerned Patient!

A patient went to a hospital and spent so much time telling the doctor so many complaints. When he finished, he was expecting a long list of drugs. Alas, he got a few vitamins and pain relief drugs. He thought to himself: ‘These few drugs for all the complaints I made.’ Another day, he went to the same doctor and he had fewer and specific complaints. To his so surprise, the doctor wrote so many drugs for him. He was concerned. So, he went back to the doctor to complain:

Patient: Please, doctor last time I came, I gave you many complaints and yet you gave me a few drugs. Today, I had a few complaints and yet you gave me so many drugs. Why?

Doctor: Last time you came, you didn't know what was wrong with you and hence I didn't know what to write for you except a few vitamins. But today, you knew what was wrong and I knew what to treat you for.

Lesson: We often ask for help from ours who are in a position to help. There are times when we don’t know what we want but we ask anyway. Even when the other person wants to help, he/she is not clear on what to do to help. Before asking for help, it helps to have a grasp of what the problem is. Be clear in your mind what the problem is and what you need. Don’t just ask for the sake of asking. Even when we pray for God to help, we should be specific on what we want. It won’t make us get everything we want but it helps anyway.

I Love Pidgin English Talk Talk!(7) – ‘Heat too much or Rain too plenty!’

Rain or heat, which one you prefer? Make I give una two tory.

E get one day like that wen I dey South, heavy rain come jam me for road. I come dey run, dey run, wen d rain increase, I come see one store for the side of the road, I come run enter. The store na this metallic shipping container wen dem convert to a retail provision store. As the rain heavy with winds, the owner of the store come decide to lock the door of the container/store. O boy, when the door was locked. No window, no air in and out. O man, see heat. Na so I dey sweat thick thick sweat. I wan die for heat; meanwhile heavy rain dey fall outside. Wen the heat reach one point, I nor fit bear am. Na so, I tell the owner of the store, ‘My guy, nor vex o. Thanks for your hospitality(heatability). Now, I wanna go.’ Na so he open door, I run enter rain o. I prefer make the rain beat me than to stay inside oven. Me, I nor be bread wen need baking.

Some time ago, I dey North. He get one fine house I rent one time. Dem use paint to paint the house. I think say na one correct house. Na wen rainy season start, na den I know say where the house dey na river. Na so water dey enter house, dey wet every. That time, I prefer to sleep under heat than to pray make rain fall. E get one day, the cloud dark. I know say na heavy rain dey come. Na so I see one guy knee down dey cabage, dey pray, ‘O God, stop this rain. Stop this rain.’ I nor know whether the prayer was answered. All I know be say after some minutes, the floodgates of the heavens were open and rain fall heavily like say tomorrow nor dey.

O boy, heat or rain, which one you prefer? Na your circumstances go decide o… If rain water dey enter your house as flood, you go like the heat o. But if your house be like bakery and water nor dey enter your house, the rain go be blessing o. Na so I see am.