Jokes in Pidgin English (51) – ‘Pray for us!’

In Naija, we dey claim say we be secular society but everywhere you go, any public meeting you attend, you go hear, ‘Before we start, can somebody lead us in prayers? … Before we close, can somebody lead us in prayers?’ Wetin dey pain me pass, dem go just call anybody wen dem like to pray. Dem nor dey ask whether the person na Christian, Muslim, pagan, or atheist. ‘Please, lead us in prayers.’ You go see a complete stranger wen you nor know from Adam, ‘Please, pray for us.’ Whether the person na murderer, robber, 419, ritualist, nobody wan know; all them want, ‘Pray for us.’

Listen to these stories:

1.    One day, for one secondary school. For assembly ground one morning, dem call one teacher come pray. The teacher shock. He be like say em ma nor dey pray for house. Na so the teacher start to pray, ‘…… Let there be light and there was light…’ O boy, na so people burst laugh. Dem tell am to come pray, instead my guy wan create heaven and earth o.

2.    One guy go drink, he come dey drunk. Na so he late go one meeting. Being that the guy late, dem come call am to say closing prayers. Dem nor know say the guy dey drunk. Na so drunkard stagger get up. ‘Hmmm… hmmm… Baba God, please, help us with another round… round of… bear, sorry, blessings…’

3.    One guy nor dey go church, dem ask the guy to pray for one public function, na so the guy stand up… ‘O God, good morning, sorry, good afternoon…’ people come dey laugh. Somebody say, ‘dem tell you say this time na afternoon for heaven?’

P.S. nor be everybody wen you see, you go tell, ‘pray for us’; abeg, make you nor collect bad thing wen nor be your own ooo…

Jokes in Pidgin English (50) – Doctor, I dey pass ‘physics’!

I receive text message one day from somebody. It read, “Doctor, I go toilet to pass ‘physics’…” O boy, na so I hala (shout): Physics wen dey hard to pass for secondary school and university, this guy go toilet and pass ‘physics’ sharp sharp. I wish I know then, na toilet I for go pass my ‘physics’ ooo… The text continue, ‘my physics na water water…’ Hmmm, this ‘physics’ wen contain water water so, na Chemistry and Physics be that. The text continue, ‘my physics contain something like worm (that na biology and zoology), even vegetable wen I eat dey inside (that na biology and botany)…. Hmmm, this my friend go toilet and passed physics (faeces), chemistry and biology. O men, WAEC, NECO, JAMB and others need to see that toilet for proper investigation….. Laugh wan kpai (kill) me o…

Jokes in Pidgin English (49) – Come and Steal!

Once upon a time there was a man who lives in a certain place. Whenever he leaves his home, thieves would come into his house to steal his things. This happened on so many occasions. So, fed up with the incessant loss of his properties to thieves, he decided to act. So, one morning, he brought out all of his properties: electronics, furniture, kitchen items, generating set, etc. He then hung a large sign on top of the properties. The sign read, ‘Come and steal them’. He then left the house for days. When passersby saw the notice, they were surprised. Some of the thieves who had stolen from the man before passed by, saying, ‘Hmmm… na waooo… this one wen this man pack em properties come out like this. Hmmm… maybe the man don do heavy juju (charms). Hmmm… if person touch these things, person go collect o (Injure).’

This man’s properties stayed outside for several days and nights, nobody took anything away. He came back and met his things intact. From that day onward, no thief came to his house again.

There was this single lady who was living alone. So, one young man, a neighbour of hers was persuading her to sleep with him. She refused. She said she was not interested. But the young man persisted. Fed up with the whole kabuki dance and worries from this young man, she decided to act. One day, when she and the guy were alone in the house, she wore a towel to the guy’s room. When she got there, she pulled away the towel and was completely naked, saying, ‘See me. What can you do?’ When the guy saw the lady naked, he fainted. After, he woke up, he was asked what happened. He said he saw a ghost. From that day onward, he could not look the lady in the eye, let alone, asking her out.

P.S. My people na joke. If you try wetin the man in the 1^st story and the lady in the 2^nd story do, you go collect. It’s a joke, not an endorsement. 

Jokes – Snoring!

(Good English) There was this young man who took his lady friend home. There was no power supply from Power (With)Holding Company of Nigeria (PHCN). So, he decided to put on his small generator (gen). The lady could not sleep because of the noise from the gen. Hence, she asked the young man to put off the gen. Later, after falling deep asleep, the lady started to snore, ‘hurhurhurhurhurhurhur.’ This time, the young man could not fall asleep, so he went out to put on the gen. He reasoned that the noise of the gen could override that of his snoring friend. Unfortunately, the sound of the gen woke up the lady.

She said, ‘John, please put off the gen, the noise is too much.’

John was so upset, he said, ‘Which of the gen will I put off? …The one on the inside or the one on the outside? Please, Cynthia, sleep and leave me alone.’

(Pidgin English) John come provoke, he say: “Na which gen I go off? The one wen dey outside or the one wen dey inside. Cynthia, abeg abeg, sleep and leave me alone!”

#IfnotforFacebook…!

I've been seeing and hearing a lot more complaints about Facebook of late. It’s gotten so bad that some ardent Facebook users have decided to reconsider their usage of Facebook social media. These complaints are legitimate, understandable and appropriate. I've personally had a fair share of complaints. The problems range from Facebook scams, hacking, and stolen identities to posting of indecent and inappropriate materials. Needless to say, the above developments are saddening, provocative and frankly disappointing. That said, I have a deep and sentimental attachment to Facebook and I promise to always keep my Facebook page no matter what. Why is that?

Let me give you an illustration. A knife is a very valuable household implement. With a knife, you can arrange a lovely meal, cut and slice some food items, decorate and design your home, do gardening and the likes. At the same time, the knife can also be put to bad use: it can be used to intimidate, assault, and harm people. The question now is: will you stop using a knife simply because someone else used knives to steal or commit murder? The answer is no. In the same vein, let’s ask ourselves: Will it be right to stop using Facebook simply because some have and are still using it to cause harm to others? Won’t we rather seek ways to protect ourselves from the bad influences on Facebook? Accidents happen every day, sometimes as a result of the bad conduct of some drivers, should that stop you from using the road? Won’t people of evil intent always seek ways to bring harm to others? Should that stop you from living your life?

Let’s not forget Facebook in a hurry and brush aside the much good it has brought to our lives. Let’s remember what good Facebook has brought to each and every one of us. I can’t forget Facebook. It made me discover my talents and potentials. It me a better me! As a result, I’m starting this hashtag on my blog, Facebook wall, Twitter account and others: #IfnotforFacebook… I’m using this to encourage myself and others to write and contribute to what good Facebook has done in their lives.

#IfnotforFacebook…!

1.    I won’t have discovered and rediscovered my flair for writing. Facebook provided me the audience, that is, my lovely Facebook friends. I write and post my write-ups on Facebook and almost immediately, I get a response from a friend who has read it. I can tell when my write-up is good, fair or bad. However it was I’m encouraged to do better next time. I don’t make money from what I write, but I feel rewarded knowing that I have something special and that I can contribute in my own way to bring good cheer to a fellow human being.

2.    I won’t have discovered friends and relatives that I've lost contact with for a very long time. With the help of Facebook, I've been able to reach old schoolmates who are now settled in different parts of the world. How else would I have seen some of my primary (elementary) school mates? How else would I have seen my secondary (high school) and university (college) schoolmates who have traveled abroad or in different parts of my country? I have received friend request from people who knew me several years ago but I had no recollection of who they were. How else would I have known about them?

3.    How else would I hear of some important developments that affects me and my friends directly or indirectly? I've gotten information from Facebook friends about job interviews, job spaces, and other productive life ventures. I've heard and received wedding notices, invites, graduation news, news of the arrival of a new baby, and many others. How else…?

#IfnotforFacebook…

To be continued!

Jokes – Ice-cream!

One guy went out with the girlfriend. She was on the heavy side! They got to a fast-food restaurant. The guy was confused on where to go; there were spots for ‘suya,’ foreign and local dishes, drinks, and of course, ice-cream. The guy asked the lady, ‘Where are we heading?’

The lady answered, ‘Why are you asking? Can’t you see there is an ice-cream stand over there?’ So, off to the ice-cream spot they went.

On another date, they went to another restaurant. This restaurant had many spots including a spot for an ATM Machine, in case you ran out of money. The guy started walking towards the ice-cream spot; the lady drew him back, saying, ‘Where are you going?’

The guy said: ‘The ice-cream spot, of course.’

Lady: ‘Let’s stop by the ATM Machine first.’

Guy: ‘I left my card at home. Did you bring yours?’

Lady: ‘I was just kidding. Please, let’s go and buy ice-cream.’

I do!

Even when you think I don’t, I do.

Even when you think I can’t, I do.

Even at the lowest moments, I do.

Even at the highs, I do.

Even at the odd hours, I do.

Even at the plus hours, I do.

Even when I don’t call, I do.

Even when I don’t send a message, I do.

Even when I don’t reply, I do.

Even when it seems highly improbable, I do.

Even when I’m made to think I don’t, I do.

I do…

I do…

I do…

I do remember.

I do care.

I really do.

O yes, I do!