Jokes in Pidgin (28) - Blackberry wahala!

Sometime ago, i go one ATM machine, one girl with her Blackberry dey withdraw money. She come dey delay. It took the combined effort of bystanders and bank security (community effort) to help her withdraw the money. I come dey wonder how she take dey use the BB. Maybe, na expo she dey use.

These days wen guys meet ladies, instead of phone numbers, they exchange PINs. Person wen nor get PIN, na wahala o. See:
1. Boy meets Girl, Boy likes Girl, Boy talks to Girl, Boy ask for phone no, Girl ask for PIN, Boy looks like mumu. Wahala dey o!
2. Boy meets Girl. Boy likes Girl. Boy talks to Girl. Boy takes Girl out. Girl asks for a Blackberry phone. Boy has no Blackberry phone. Boy cleared his account to buy the phone. Boy is broke. Boy turns mumu.
3. Boy meets Girl. Boy is holding Blackberry. Girl is holding hers too. Boy likes Girl's BB. Girl likes Boy's BB. Both share PIN. Both share every. Boy dumps girl. Girl looks like mumu.
4. Boy did not meet Girl face to face. Both met on BB. Both interacted on BB. Both fell in love on BB. Boy then meets Girl face to face. Boy doesn’t like the real Girl. Girl feels the same. Both look like MUMU squared.

Jokes in English – Hospital settings!

In one hospital, the doctor was exhausted after much work. So, he went home to get some rest. He asked the staff on duty to call him if something comes up. Shortly after, his phone rings:

Doctor: Hello.
Staff: Hello, doctor, there's an unconscious patient you need to see. The patient also has abdominal pain.
Doctor: How did you know he has abdominal pain?
Staff: The patient told me.

 

In another hospital, a doctor was consulting in his clinic. A man walked in. The doctor asked him what the problem was. The man replied: ‘Severe abdominal pain.’

Doctor: OK, lie down on the bed, let me examine you.

The man lied down on the examining couch.

Doctor: Use your finger to point where you are having the pain.

Man: Doctor, I’m not the one who is sick. It’s my child who is sick.

Doctor: Where is your child?

Man: He is outside with the mother.

 

In yet another hospital, the doctor does not understand the local language. So, he makes use of an interpreter. After seeing one patient, the doctor wrote some drugs for the patient, some of which were oral syrups. He asked the interpreter to tell the patient to shake the syrups very well before each use (the drug is to be taken thrice a day). To his surprise, he saw the interpreter and the patient vigorously shaking their bodies. He asked what the problem was.

Interpreter: I am demonstrating how he should shake his body. You said he should shake his body thrice a day before taking the drugs.

A Joke a day keeps the doctor away (26-01-13) - Alarm/Alert!

Alert/Alarm!

There was this very rich man who built a big mansion and resort in a remote but picturesque environment. He had installed an alarm/alert system all over the mansion. In the front entrance there were cameras with video feeds going into a computer software program that has facial recognition capabilities. If he had guests, the faces of the guests are fed into the system for easy recognition.

So, for the fun of it, if he received unexpected guests, the system was designed to send an appropriate signal. The signal depends on how beautiful or ugly the face is: beautiful/handsome face gets a sweat melody while an ugly face gets a harsh warning message.

One of the man’s friends paid him a visit. The friend was curious. He wanted to find out the signals sent for previous guests.

‘Chief, when you received Genevieve (beautiful actress), what was the signal?’

‘Cool Celine Dion music. Lovely.’

‘What about Donald Duke (handsome politician)?’

‘Cool Lionel Richie track played.’

‘What about Weird MC (ugly musician)?

‘We heard harsh sounds: Please, be advised, there is a possible intruder approaching.’

‘Really…! What about Adams Oshiomhole (ugly politician)?’

‘We heard: Please, be advised a militant on a khaki outfit is approaching the perimeter.’

‘Really, what about Taribo West and Baba (wowo squared)?’

‘Well, the system crashed. We battled for months to fix it. Before it crashed, it kept sounding a very loud warning: This is an emergency. Unidentifiable aliens are on the approach. This system is going into lock-down. I repeat: Lock-down  Lock-down  This is not a drill.’

Life’s Paradox - A True Story!

Life! This world is an intriguing place. Lots of things happen everyday that give one cause to ponder on the intricacies of this life! An adult male raped an 8 year old girl. She was a school pupil returning from school when she was lured by the rapist into his home. Sadly, he violated that little girl. But that is not end of the story. Later, through the suspicion of the girl’s guardian, the man was apprehended and he confessed to the crime. At this point, the worry was on the health and well-being of this little girl. As a routine practice, she and the accused were screened for STIs (sexually transmitted diseases). What would you expect? You would not be surprised if the man turns out to have an STI. That would suit his profile. But alas, that was not the case. Allow me explain:

When the tests results came out, it turned out that the man was HIV negative but the 8-year old girl was HIV positive. The results were correct. How come? It was found out that the girl was an orphan. She lost both her parents to HIV/AIDS. She also has the disease from birth (vertical transmission from mother to child). She lives with a guardian and she receives anti-retroviral drugs (drugs used in the management of HIV/AIDS) from a hospital where such drugs were provided. But her rapist did not know that. How could he? All he saw was a vulnerable 8-year old pupil walking home from school and he had his way with her. Little did he know that that little girl had HIV! Little did he know that by taking advantage of that very little girl, he was putting himself at great risk of acquiring a life-long disease! How could he? He did not know that by violating the innocence of that child, his own body became guilty and vulnerable to an incurable disease. How would he?

The well-being of the little girl ought to be the focus of care-givers. But at that point when the results came out, he invariably became the focus of concern not because of the attention he got by committing such an abominable act, but because, now, he has to be on the look-out. While he may wait to get justice served in the court of law, as to this fact of been exposed to HIV, he need not wait. In a paradoxical sense, justice has been served. He would spend a many days wondering when his own test would turn positive. (Due to seroconversion, it takes a while for an exposed individual to turn out HIV positive.) No matter the eventual outcome, he would have gotten a big chunk of what he deserved and far more than he bargained for: no peace of mind and body.

It’s sobering to think about how things turn out for people who always seek to take advantage of others in a very unfair manner. Life! People get away with offenses like those of this man or so it seems. But, now and then we see dramatic and overt consequences to the actions of men. The little girl had the disease through no fault of hers. She was innocent all the same. Also, she was vulnerable and thus suffered scars that will burn deep in her childhood memories as a result of that attack. But her story, as sad as it was for her, in a way helps to tell a story and to teach a many lessons! The story of a shattered innocence and an unforgettable scar! The lessons of life’s paradox: those who seek the harm of others inadvertently expose themselves to harm and much more.

 

Jokes in Pidgin English – 27 (Chief Aro of Hall 3)

Funny things we don see! UNIBEN Days!

Those days wen I dey Hall 3 for UNIBEN, e get one very funny guy for Hall 3 that time. The guy funny so tail dem give am title, ‘Chief Aro of Hall 3.” The word ‘aro’ suppose mean ‘craze’ or ‘mad’ man because it’s thought to have originated from the location of the Neuropsychiatric Hospital in Nigeria which was located in a town called Aro in Abeokuta. In UNIBEN then, many of the very funny guys then are thought to act crazy in a very jovial way. Hence, they were called ‘aros.’

 

Back to my story. This guy funny die. When he dey joke, na so e dey demonstrate like ‘I go die.’ As this guy come funny, no body dey take am serious. Anything wen e do, people go think say na joke e dey joke. Na so one day, this guy come dey sick, no body know. As e dey waka for Hall 3 near porter’s lodge (entrance), na so this guy collapse. Wen the guy collapse, people come dey laugh, dem think say na joke the guy dey joke. O boy, after some time, wen dem see say d guy nor dey move, na’im dem rush the guy, ‘Chief Aro dey die ooo’. Dem rush the guy go health-cente. Na God save d guy dat day ooo. Na so play play play play, the guy for die because of aroism. Anyways, he survived to continue the spirit of Aroism.

Jokes in Pidgin English (26)

School days, Money palaver!
Those days for school, man pikin see things! E get one guy wen things dey hard for sch, no money. E come travel go visit one of him uncles to collect dough (money). Wen e reach the uncle place, the uncle tell am, ‘You nor know say things hard for this side. The money wen you take enter motor travel come here, why you nor use am take manage for school?’ My guy frustrate.

E get one day wen things hard me for school, I come go visit one of my buddy for help. Wen I reach the guy place, I come tell am the purpose of my visit. Na so the guy come start to tell me em problems ooo. O boy, wen my guy talk all em problems finish, I come forget about my own problem, I come dey pity the guy. I say, ‘Bros, nor worry, God dey! God dey!’ Na me wen commot from school come look for money, na me come dey console my guy wen dey work. O boy nor be small something!

E be like a man wen lose 1,000 naira for road. He come dey complain. He come meet him friend to tell am his ordeal. This man dey cry say him lose 1K. This em friend come tell am say he ma lose 1million for him business. O boy, na to forget about the 1K and begin wail over 1million oh bcos if you dey cry say you lose 1K, wetin you go do if you lose 1million. Uhmmm. No comment. Life ma nor easy oh!

I Love Pidgin English Talk Talk (6)

Funny things wen man don see - 419 Part 2.

You remember those days wen banks never full everywhere. No ATM that time. If you wan withdraw money from bank, you must go the branch of the bank where you take open the account, to withdraw the money. That time wen I dey school for Benin, and I open account for Delta. So if I wan collect money from my account, I go carry my passbook, travel go Delta State, withdraw the money, enter motor come back to Benin. Person go travel about 50km just to withdraw money. After some time I come open account for Benin, but na Akpakpava Road na’em the Branch of the bank dey and me dey Ugbowo. So if I wan withdraw money, I go take motor go Ring Road, enter another motor go Akpakpava Road. Now wen I remember those days and now wen banks and ATM don full everywhere I go dey laugh.

 

Na so, one day I comot from school go Akpakpava go withdraw money. Wen I withdraw finish, I enter Ring Road motor. Wen I drop from Ring Road, I come dey trek go where I go enter Ugbowo motor Park. Ring Road for Benin don teach me lesson before. E get one night for Ring Road wen dem pocket-pick the whole money wen dey my pocket. Na beg I beg before I see 20naira enter Ugbowo motor. I nor know how the person take pick my pocket. I only remember say I dey think wetin I go use my money buy wen somebody use body jam me. I sure say na that guy pick my pocket. From that night, anytime I enter Ring Road I dey dey vigilant.

 

So on that day wen I dey talk about b4, me and my money wen I withdraw from bank, come dey trek thru Ring Road. Na’em one man use e body jam me. As d guy jam me, I quickly put hand for my pocket, palpate the money wen I carry. Wen I see say the thing dey intact, na so I turn look the man wen jam me. D man dey say, ‘eh, you nor dey look where u dey go.’ See me see wahala, person wen use body jam me, na em still dey claim right. Na’im I bone d guy, dey waka my own dey go. As I waka small, one woman wen carry pickin for back come tap me, ‘go tell am sorry’. Shuooooo! The woman wen carry pikin dey tell me say make I go tell the man wen jam me sorry. O boy, na den I know say na 419 people. Fear catch me. How this people take know say I carry money 4 pocket. O boy, na so I waka quick quick comot from there before I come go forget myself. 419 people, the time wen dem dey take plan all their strategy, e nor reach dem to find better work?