Jokes – Akwa-Ibom man and his daughter (Warning: It’s just a joke! No more, no less)

There was this Akwa-Ibom man whose daughter traveled to the US some years back. The daughter was single when she left. He has been expecting the daughter to get married and settle down. No way! So, when the time came and the daughter arranged for him to visit the US, this issue was no. 1 on his agenda. When he got to his daughter’s home, he noticed one handsome young American man who always visits the daughter. He became hopeful. He then asked the daughter, ‘Who is this nice and handsome young man who comes visiting all the time?’

The daughter said, ‘He’s my good friend.’

Father: ‘Gbam! (Exclamation) That’s what I’m talking about! When is he coming to ask for your hand in marriage?’

Daughter: ‘No, dad! He’s just a friend.’

Father: ‘Well, that’s how all relationships start ‘na’?’

Daughter: ‘Father, you don’t understand?’

Father: ‘Understand what? Is he sick?’

Daughter: ‘No, he’s not sick. He’s gay!’

Father: ‘Gay what! I think he’s sick!’

Daughter: ‘Dad, no. That was the way he was born!’

Father: ‘Hmm… I’m telling you, he’s sick. Bring him to Akwa-Ibom and I tell you, within, one week, we shall find the cure.’

Daughter: ‘That’s who he is! He’s found himself and he’s come out of the closet.’

Father: ‘I’m telling you. Bring him to Akwa-Ibom. Within one week, he will change his name.’

Daughter: ‘Dad, you don’t understand. When I came to US, I realized that I’m not really into men. I like girls and I want to come out of the closet.’

Father: ‘Abomination! Please, stay in the closet and give me the keys. Let me throw the key in the ocean on my way back to Africa.’

Daughter: ‘Daddy, it’s who I am!’

Father: ‘O Abasi (God)… Adiaba, my daughter, after all the magic you performed in Akwa-Ibom, you’ve come to US to like girls. Who is deceiving you? Oh… oh… oh…’

Daughter: ‘Daddy, I was young then. I didn’t know who I was. But I've grown up. I’ve even changed my name.’

The father fainted!

Jokes in Pidgin English (42) – Ajebu and Kpako in Labour!

If you see two women in labour, you can tell who be Ajebu (grew up in a privileged home) or Kpako (grew up in a less privileged home) by the things they say when they in pains.

You see Ajebu grow up in a rich well-to-do home. When she dey small, if you beat Ajebu, she go cry, ‘Mummy! Daddy!’ Everything na, ‘I’ll tell my mum and daddy.’ So, when Ajebu don grow up, marry and get belle (pregnancy), wetin she do for small pikin level, na so she go continue as adult. When Ajebu dey labour, she go shout: ‘Mummy! Mummy! Honey! Honey! Darling, where are you? I’m in pains.’

But if Kpako dey labour, the story must change. You know say Kpako don suffer before. When she dey small, if you beat am, she go curse you, ‘Your Papa! Your Mama. You dey craze! Na my body you dey get power! Go beat you mate, ode!’ That is why when Kpako woman grow up, marry, get belle and come dey labour, she go dey insult the husband and all and sundry: ‘Johnbull, where you dey? Johnbull, with your big head, where you dey? Na you put me for this one o. Na you put me for this wahala. Johnbull, e nor go better for you ooo… John… bull ooo… Nurse, where you dey with your white garment. The thing dey pain me ooo…’

ODE TO AN ANCIENT CITY!

TO A 'LAND OF PROMISE'!

‘Promise Land, how does one get there?’ You may wonder.

Some got there by crossing the Niger;

Some others came from across the border;

From afar, some saw the land from yonder.

A land that offers hope and order;

A land of milk and honey-filled sweetener!

A place of commerce and legal tender!

Some came to bid, others came for the plunder.

Everyone came: from an officeholder to a shareholder;

From a plumber to a builder;

From a pay loader driver to a freeloader!

Will this land live up to the hype or will it be a bummer?

A man came to this land as a settler;

He was willing to work his way to be a stakeholder

In order to live his dreams and prosper.

There was no disappointment or blunder;

The land lived up to its name and founder.

Before long, he became a jobholder.

Thereafter, he became a cardholder and a landholder.

At the turn of the years, he was a key holder

To many properties and interests; indeed, a sure leader!

The story soon had its ups and downs like a changing weather.

The fairy tale was shattered by the sound of thunder.

The air was thick with smoke and smell of gunpowder.

The settlers shuddered in disbelief and anger

The whispers of fear and dread grew louder.

‘What’s happening in Promise Land?’ They ponder.

As time passed by, many gave way to pity and surrender

For they soon realized that they had no defender.

The struggles of men and their hopes were put asunder.

“This is the final bus-stop. Wake up from your slumber.”

He was awoken by the bus conductor in a bad manner.

“It was just a nightmare,” He thought in relief and good cheer.

To his surprise, he heard the familiar voice of an elder:

“Hello, Son! How was the Promised Land?” This voice was tender.

But to him that question was no appetizer.

Promise!

Jokes in Pidgin English (41) - Quarrel quarrel for earth, settle for heaven!

He get people wen dey like quarrel. Dem love quarrel. Quarrel be like food for them. Especially women but some woman men are also implicated in this diagnosis. He get people, when dem wake up in the morning, dem go dey look for quarrel to use brush mouth, bath and take breakfast with quarrel. Quarrel be like daily medicine. If them nor quarrel for the whole day, dem go sick for lack of exercising their quarreling capabilities and mouth prowess. Dem dey look for quarrel from anywhere:

If you nor greet them, them go say: ‘You nor dey greet person. Who be your mate?’ Quarrel don start.

If you greet them, them go say: ‘Na so your mate dey greet? Na so dem dey greet for your village?’ Quarrel don start.

If you greet them, ‘Good morning, Madame.’ Quarrel don start. ‘Na who you dey call Madame. You think say I be old Mama. How many years I take senior you?’

E get one lady wen dey like quarrel. She dey like to be involved in quarrel either as an originator, participant, contestant, or judge. One day, she just dey dull. She never quarrel that day and its 5pm. She never take her quarrel medi’ci’ne for that day. She come see two young boys arguing and fighting. She happy:

‘Why, why, why, why, why who na dey quarrel? Who na nor know say quarreling and fighting nor good? Wetin start this quarrel? Who start this quarrel? Who na nor dey talk?’

The boys reply: ‘Nor be quarrel we dey o. Na play play fight we dey.’

‘Oh… Hmmm... OK na…’

Jokes in Pidgin English (40) – Pregnant Lady, Part 2!

Scene 1:  A lady with an advanced pregnancy went out with an outfit that revealed much of her cleavage; and thanks to her pregnancy state, she was quite the ‘boss.’ Sometimes, I feel that some ladies use their pregnancy as an excuse to dress in whatever way they please. After all, ‘They can see that I’m heavy. Nobody can talk to me or challenge me or toast me.’ Imagine what might be going through the mind of that baby in the womb assuming the baby is aware of what’s going on.

‘Mama, why now? Why you dey advertise my natural food reservoirs? Nor be Cowbell or Peak Milk you carry ooo. Those things you are showing belongs to me and me alone. Wait until I come out now! Na den you go know who be the owner and who be onlooker.’

Na those kind children wen dem born them, and dem dey house with the mother, dem go keep quiet, no cry for breast food. Na wen the Mama dey middle of ‘Molue’ commercial bus, na that time dem go show themselves. ‘waiiii, waiii, waiii (crying)’ dem wan breastfeed in the presence of the world. Na that time u go see ‘aproko/tatafor/oversabi’ passengers dey say, ‘Madam give am breast now. Give am breast make him keep quiet.’ Na then you go see some mothers dey consider the rationale behind the publicity of private properties/equities. My own question be say, ‘Why not also consider this while pregnant?’

Scene 2: One pregnant woman come for labour. As the pain start, na so she start. She insult and curse the husband, the baby, the in-laws, the relatives, the nurses, the doctors and everybody who was within range. She come dey curse, dey curse, dey insult everybody especially the husband. All efforts to calm her down failed. Everybody assume say na because of the pain make her dey do like that. Hmmm…

The question be say, ‘Na only she don carry belle before? Na only she don enter labour ward before? If some people dey feel labour pains, dem go dey sing praises, some others go dey pray. While others dey do everything other than insult people. Why be say this one own different?’

You see this is what is called ‘opportunity’. E get things this woman don dey keep for mind since, fear nor make her fit talk. Now now, when she dey labour now, she come use that as excuse to let out all the venomous curses she had harboured inside. She curse ‘shege’ for the husband body because she know say when the baby show, all sins shall be forgiven. Well, make she remember say anything said, na record o. Even if no repercussions now, one day, somebody go dial ‘play’ for that record.

You know the true character of a man or woman may be revealed in moments of pain or anger. If you get bad mouth before and now you come dey pretend say you be quieti, the day wen you go vex or dey in pain, that ‘bad mouth’ shall be revealed in true colours. So too, if you get good character true true, the day of pains and anguish shall reveal your nobility and goodness. Na so i see am o. I rest my case!

Jokes in Pidgin English (39) – Pregnant Lady, Part 1!

Scene 1: One pregnant lady went to a public place with a see-through outfit. I mean you can see every including baby bump. Just imagine wetin dey go thru the mind of the baby: ‘Mama, na wa for you. You think say you still be omoge abi. When you drop me now, you don turn mama pikin o. Which one be this one na? Why you dey use me do show glass?’

Scene 2: There was this pregnant woman who visits ‘Mama Put’ restaurant all the time. Every day na Mama Put. Imagine wetin dey go thru the mind of the baby: ‘Mama, which one you nor dey! Everyday na Mama Put? Wetin do Mr Biggs, Tantalizer, Chicken Republic, GT Plaza? You think say I nor know better thing? This one wen you dey do me so, hmmm… No wahala, my time dey come. In some months time, my time go come. You go hear am…’

Scene 3: There was this woman who got pregnant for the seventh time. She did not want the pregnancy but the husband insisted on keeping it. Every day, she complains about the pregnancy to everyone who cares to listen: neighbours, relatives, friends, co-workers, health workers etc. she speaks ill of the pregnancy. Imagine wetin dey go thru the mind of that baby: ‘Mama, na me be this? You think say I nor dey hear you abi? You dey yab me follow town abi? Na my fault? Na me cause am? I nor dey there when this thing happen o! As you dey yab me so, no wahala, my time dey come.’

Fun Experience on the Road!

I was travelling yesterday and I saw a big truck/lorry that broke down on the highway. At the back of the truck was the notice that read, 'Such is Life.' How succinct! No wonder the truck had mechanical failure. Instead of using, ‘God is good,’ ‘Life is good,’ ‘All is well,’ the owner chose a theme that reflects the hard condition of life; ‘Such is Life.’ ‘Why the lorry nor go break down?’

I also met a long traffic jam and I saw men in military uniforms clearing the traffic. It made me wonder, ‘What’s now the role of the Nigerian military? Traffic men? Why is it that now every problem requires the presence of the military?’

When there are insurgents (North or South), the army is sent on the streets.

When there’s an armed robbery attack especially on banks, the army is sent on the street.

When there is a strike (NLC), the army is sent on the streets.

When there is a peaceful protest (fuel/UNILAG change of name), the army is sent on the street.

If a higher institution is closed down, the army is sent.

When there’s road block, the army is sent on the street.

If you hit the vehicle of an army man, the army is sent on the street.

An army man broke traffic law and was held… fill in the blanks.

An army man in mufti went to a brothel and there was an altercation. At the end, guess who came out on the street.

When VIPs need escorts, the army is sent.

When the Oga on Top has a toilet emergency, please guess what will happen.

The uniform once had a lot of respect. Now, I wonder what’s going on!