See! Na Joke O! I meant to say: ‘It’s a Joke.’ Marriage Issues! (Part 1)
Marriage is a great thing. It’s a great institution. It can be said to be one of the best gifts given to man. Well, just like a great tool can be put to good use, it can also be put into a funny use. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! (dat na laugh?)
There are different kinds of marriage (marriage na marriage, which level; abi na wi...
Marriage is a great thing. It’s a great institution. It can be said to be one of the best gifts given to man. Well, just like a great tool can be put to good use, it can also be put into a funny use. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! (dat na laugh?)
There are different kinds of marriage (marriage na marriage, which level; abi na wi...
tch level?) depending on what led to the marriage.
1. Love-induced Marriage. This is the kind of marriage that occurs when the man falls madly in love. He was so much in love that he quickly did introduction, white and grey marriage and the whole package. He didn’t realize what was happening until he woke up after the wedding night. He woke up and saw a wedding ring on his finger. ‘It can’t be.’ He then went to the bathroom and washed his face so that he can see clearly. Then he saw his wife. ‘Ejiro, what happened?’ ‘You are now a married man.’ ‘What! I thought I was dreaming.’ ‘Dream ke. Abeg commot from road. I wan baff!’
2. Age-induced Marriage. Lizzy was in her thirties and was still single. Anytime she gets to her mother’s home there was always a chorus waiting for her. ‘Lizzy, you know you are not getting younger.’ ‘Lizzy, you are not getting younger.’ Fed up with the mum’s rhetorics, she hatched a plan. She paid off one infamous local tout to come to her mum’s house to ask her hand in marriage; all in pretext. On the arranged date, the guy came up to Lizzy’s mum and asked for Lizzy's hand in marriage. After a while, the mum came to see Lizzy. ‘Lizzy. Lizzy.Lizzy. How many times did I call you?’
‘Mummy, you know I’m not getting younger. I love him. I want to marry him.’
‘Lizzy. That’s why I came. I accepted Bomboy’s request. We’ve even fixed the date for payment of bride-price.’
‘What! Mummy, you can’t do that. It’s April fool.’ (It’s play us dey do oh!)
3. Facebook-induced Marriage. Once upon a time, if a lady wants to encourage her ‘guy’ to step up (man up), she would drag him to attend her friends’ weddings! These days, no need for that: we have Facebook. Biodun loved Dupe but Biodun was not taking the relationship to the next level, I meant, ‘to the permanent site.’ Any time Biodun visits Dupe, Dupe will open her Facebook page. ‘My dear, look at these pictures. So lovely, that’s Mary and her husband. Mary and I were classmates in school. Oh, I love this one. Look at the ring, splendid.’
Another visit: ‘Come! Come. This is Sandra. She was in the same class with my baby sister. She just got married. Waoh!’
Another visit: ‘Come and look.’
‘Dupe, I brought you a present.’ Dupe hopes were up. Biodun then brought out a brand new Blackberry phone. ‘Oh, oh oh….’
‘You don’t like it?’
‘No, I like it. It’s very womanly.’
(In Dupe's mind: Ode, Blackberry and engagement ring na de same thing?)
1. Love-induced Marriage. This is the kind of marriage that occurs when the man falls madly in love. He was so much in love that he quickly did introduction, white and grey marriage and the whole package. He didn’t realize what was happening until he woke up after the wedding night. He woke up and saw a wedding ring on his finger. ‘It can’t be.’ He then went to the bathroom and washed his face so that he can see clearly. Then he saw his wife. ‘Ejiro, what happened?’ ‘You are now a married man.’ ‘What! I thought I was dreaming.’ ‘Dream ke. Abeg commot from road. I wan baff!’
2. Age-induced Marriage. Lizzy was in her thirties and was still single. Anytime she gets to her mother’s home there was always a chorus waiting for her. ‘Lizzy, you know you are not getting younger.’ ‘Lizzy, you are not getting younger.’ Fed up with the mum’s rhetorics, she hatched a plan. She paid off one infamous local tout to come to her mum’s house to ask her hand in marriage; all in pretext. On the arranged date, the guy came up to Lizzy’s mum and asked for Lizzy's hand in marriage. After a while, the mum came to see Lizzy. ‘Lizzy. Lizzy.Lizzy. How many times did I call you?’
‘Mummy, you know I’m not getting younger. I love him. I want to marry him.’
‘Lizzy. That’s why I came. I accepted Bomboy’s request. We’ve even fixed the date for payment of bride-price.’
‘What! Mummy, you can’t do that. It’s April fool.’ (It’s play us dey do oh!)
3. Facebook-induced Marriage. Once upon a time, if a lady wants to encourage her ‘guy’ to step up (man up), she would drag him to attend her friends’ weddings! These days, no need for that: we have Facebook. Biodun loved Dupe but Biodun was not taking the relationship to the next level, I meant, ‘to the permanent site.’ Any time Biodun visits Dupe, Dupe will open her Facebook page. ‘My dear, look at these pictures. So lovely, that’s Mary and her husband. Mary and I were classmates in school. Oh, I love this one. Look at the ring, splendid.’
Another visit: ‘Come! Come. This is Sandra. She was in the same class with my baby sister. She just got married. Waoh!’
Another visit: ‘Come and look.’
‘Dupe, I brought you a present.’ Dupe hopes were up. Biodun then brought out a brand new Blackberry phone. ‘Oh, oh oh….’
‘You don’t like it?’
‘No, I like it. It’s very womanly.’
(In Dupe's mind: Ode, Blackberry and engagement ring na de same thing?)
See! Na Joke O! I meant to say: ‘It’s a Joke.’ Marriage Issues! (Part 2)
4. Pregnancy-induced Marriage. This type is not difficult to diagnose. You see a guy who arranges wedding and marriage (what’s d difference?) ‘sharp sharp’! It’s happens so fast that you can’t catch your breath fast enough.
‘James, how are you?’
‘John, I’m good. I’m getting married tomorrow.’
‘What! I didn’t know you were pl...
anning on getting married.’
‘We made the decision yesterday. No time to waste. Time and tide waits for no one.’
(No worries, few months later John understood why? Time was really of the essence. 9 mths nor be joke!)
5. Green card-induced marriage. Simple. When you see a 60 year old 200pounds 6.5-foot tall white lady getting married to a 25 year old 50kg 5-foot tall Nigerian man (na hunger cause am), you don’t need a prophet to tell you how. That is what we call ‘arrangee’ marriage.
6. Juju-induced Marriage. One Italian man woke up in his house one morning and saw a wedding ring on his finger. He freaked: ‘Cosa! (meaning ‘what’)
To his surprise a black lady walked up to him in his bed-room. ‘Calmare.’ (meaning calm down). ‘Have you forgotten? We just came back fromNigeria
The Italian man screamed: Dio mio (meaning oh my God) and fainted.
‘il mio amore, svegliati.(meaning my love, wake up) The honeymoon has just started.’
‘We made the decision yesterday. No time to waste. Time and tide waits for no one.’
(No worries, few months later John understood why? Time was really of the essence. 9 mths nor be joke!)
5. Green card-induced marriage. Simple. When you see a 60 year old 200pounds 6.5-foot tall white lady getting married to a 25 year old 50kg 5-foot tall Nigerian man (na hunger cause am), you don’t need a prophet to tell you how. That is what we call ‘arrangee’ marriage.
6. Juju-induced Marriage. One Italian man woke up in his house one morning and saw a wedding ring on his finger. He freaked: ‘Cosa! (meaning ‘what’)
To his surprise a black lady walked up to him in his bed-room. ‘Calmare.’ (meaning calm down). ‘Have you forgotten? We just came back from
The Italian man screamed: Dio mio (meaning oh my God) and fainted.
‘il mio amore, svegliati.(meaning my love, wake up) The honeymoon has just started.’
Marriage Issues! Are you Serious? No, I’m kidding! (Part 3)
7. Food-induced Marriage! Men choose their marriage partners for lots of reasons. Some do it based on the cooking talents of the would-be bride. Not bad. (Who nor like better food! Better food nor be only better money kill am; better wife join.) There was this man named John who traveled to his village. There he met a lady who prepared h...
7. Food-induced Marriage! Men choose their marriage partners for lots of reasons. Some do it based on the cooking talents of the would-be bride. Not bad. (Who nor like better food! Better food nor be only better money kill am; better wife join.) There was this man named John who traveled to his village. There he met a lady who prepared h...
im ‘correct’ local food. After eating the food, he was head over heels for this lady. He kept imagining marrying her and eating those kinds of meals everyday for the rest of his life. Eventually, he married her and took her to the city. What he did not know was that cooking was one of the very few good attributes the lady had. On the other hand, she was quite disrespectful. She was a local Hulk Hogan (she get muscle) and she treated the husband like her child. John was too afraid to contend with her. (make him for nor collect beating.)
‘John, eat your food and leave me alone!’
‘Welcome back. How was work today? Pull off your working clothes and take a shower. Your dinner is ready. Make sure you wash the plates oh!’ (Johnny go to school)
‘Shut up and eat your food. Talking, while eating, is a bad habit!’
John then met a friend who was looking for a wife to marry.
‘John, I will like to marry a woman like your wife who knows how to cook very well.’
‘Peter, let me give you an advice. Don’t make the same mistake I made. If you want to eat good food in your house, hire a good cook. At least, you can fire her whenever you like.’
8. Getting married to celebrate a success! There are people who get married as a way of celebrating a success. Get a new job, marry a new wife. Win an election, celebrate with friends; hold parties with enough food and drinks and then top it with a new wife. Win a new contract, marry a new wife. There was this man who made it as a rule; if he wins a big contract, he rewards himself with a new wife. So, one day he won a fifty million naira contract. As usual, he arranged to marry a new wife. In the course of the party held a day before the wedding, he got a call. ‘Sir, we are sorry to inform you that the contract has been revoked in light of recent developments.’ When the man heard that, he fainted. He was rushed to the hospital. When he woke up, his friends came up to him and asked him what the problem was. He said: ‘My enemies are after me.’
One of his friends said: ‘Don’t worry; you are getting married to a new wife tomorrow. She will help to console you.’
‘No oh, I’m not marrying her again oh! It’s bad omen to collapse a day before your wedding. Please, call off the wedding.’
(bad omen ko, bad omen ni; bad contract unko. Talk truth make Devil hide!)
‘John, eat your food and leave me alone!’
‘Welcome back. How was work today? Pull off your working clothes and take a shower. Your dinner is ready. Make sure you wash the plates oh!’ (Johnny go to school)
‘Shut up and eat your food. Talking, while eating, is a bad habit!’
John then met a friend who was looking for a wife to marry.
‘John, I will like to marry a woman like your wife who knows how to cook very well.’
‘Peter, let me give you an advice. Don’t make the same mistake I made. If you want to eat good food in your house, hire a good cook. At least, you can fire her whenever you like.’
8. Getting married to celebrate a success! There are people who get married as a way of celebrating a success. Get a new job, marry a new wife. Win an election, celebrate with friends; hold parties with enough food and drinks and then top it with a new wife. Win a new contract, marry a new wife. There was this man who made it as a rule; if he wins a big contract, he rewards himself with a new wife. So, one day he won a fifty million naira contract. As usual, he arranged to marry a new wife. In the course of the party held a day before the wedding, he got a call. ‘Sir, we are sorry to inform you that the contract has been revoked in light of recent developments.’ When the man heard that, he fainted. He was rushed to the hospital. When he woke up, his friends came up to him and asked him what the problem was. He said: ‘My enemies are after me.’
One of his friends said: ‘Don’t worry; you are getting married to a new wife tomorrow. She will help to console you.’
‘No oh, I’m not marrying her again oh! It’s bad omen to collapse a day before your wedding. Please, call off the wedding.’
(bad omen ko, bad omen ni; bad contract unko. Talk truth make Devil hide!)
Marriage Issues! Are you Serious? No, I’m kidding! (Part 4)
Marriage Made inNigeria Nigeria Nigeria
Eastern Nigeria : In the East, everything has monetary value. So too are potential brides. The monetary worth of a bride is proportional to her educational qualifications and the amount spent in raising her. The bride–price of a se...
Marriage Made in
condary sch. certificate holder is higher than a primary sch. certificate holder. That of a Diploma holder is next in ranking. After that you have in ascending order: B.Sc. holder; M.Sc. holder; MBBS holder; PhD holder and so forth. There was this 40-year old Ibo man who wanted to marry a highly educated Ibo lady. He saw a lady he liked and went making enquiries on how to get the lady. He was told: ‘Una. She is a professor with OND, B.Sc., M.Sc., and PhDs.' When this man calculated her worth, he reasoned: ‘This amount of money can buy me two shops in Onitsha, two big plot of land in Owerri, and I can also use part of it to erect one complex of 10 rooms that I can place on rent. Una, I’m coming. I’m still a young man.’
Western Nigeria : I love the Yorubas. They like parties. They do 10-days marriage:
-Engagement party.
-Introduction party.
-Pre-Traditional wedding party.
-Intra-Traditional wedding party.
-Post-Traditional wedding house party.
-Bachelor party.
-White Wedding reception party.
-Post-Reception house party (where the Kpedu dey happen).
-Thanksgiving party (after the religious Thanksgiving service).
-Appreciation party (for all those who contributed to the marriage).
And this is just the beginning of the marriage. Let’s not go into the yearly anniversary parties, naming ceremonies, graduation from nursery sch., primary sch., secondary sch., parties (except if you want to write an encyclopedia!). There was this man that was invited to one of the above wedding parties. The party was so intense that he asked, ‘How many weddings are going on here?’ Someone told him: ‘It's one wedding. Relax, this is just the beginning (na the acting part we dey, the film never start)!’
Some other parts ofNigeria
One man woke up one morning. ‘Oh, I have joint and bone pains. It’s like I need a new wife.' (This na original Panadol extra!)
Another man woke up. He started planning his day: ‘Go to work. After work, go to the market. Buy new cloth. Marry new wife. Greet some friends. Be back home by 8pm.’ (easy, no yanwa!)
Anyways,Nigeria Nigeria
(Marriage don start! You go fear na!)
-Engagement party.
-Introduction party.
-Pre-Traditional wedding party.
-Intra-Traditional wedding party.
-Post-Traditional wedding house party.
-Bachelor party.
-White Wedding reception party.
-Post-Reception house party (where the Kpedu dey happen).
-Thanksgiving party (after the religious Thanksgiving service).
-Appreciation party (for all those who contributed to the marriage).
And this is just the beginning of the marriage. Let’s not go into the yearly anniversary parties, naming ceremonies, graduation from nursery sch., primary sch., secondary sch., parties (except if you want to write an encyclopedia!). There was this man that was invited to one of the above wedding parties. The party was so intense that he asked, ‘How many weddings are going on here?’ Someone told him: ‘It's one wedding. Relax, this is just the beginning (na the acting part we dey, the film never start)!’
Some other parts of
One man woke up one morning. ‘Oh, I have joint and bone pains. It’s like I need a new wife.' (This na original Panadol extra!)
Another man woke up. He started planning his day: ‘Go to work. After work, go to the market. Buy new cloth. Marry new wife. Greet some friends. Be back home by 8pm.’ (easy, no yanwa!)
Anyways,
(Marriage don start! You go fear na!)
{Please note: the above piece is mere fiction made for a good laugh and has no bearing on anyone I know. The names and characters were all made up. Eugene A.O (‘any work?’)}
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