MY PIECE FOR TODAY (GRIEF SERIES 2, REDACTED) - THE POWER OF GRIEF – IN THEIR GRIEF AND SORROW, THEY FOUND A COURSE!

The events of the last 72 hours got me thinking about grief. I have had my own share of grief and as a student of human nature I've keenly observed the grieving process. So it amazes me that something as negative as grief can have very productive and positive outcomes. Before I jump the gun, let me start by defining some relevant terms in relation to my discourse. First, what is grief? According to Wikipedia, ‘Grief is a multi-faceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond was formed. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, it also has physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, and philosophical dimensions. While the terms are often used interchangeably, bereavement refers to the state of loss, and grief is the reaction to loss.’ It also goes on to explain “‘the Kübler-Ross model’, commonly known as the five stages of grief. The popular but largely untested theory describes in five distinct stages how people deal with grief and tragedy. Such events might include being diagnosed with a terminal illness or enduring a catastrophic loss. The five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.” The New International Webster’s Comprehensive Dictionary of the English Language (Encyclopedic Edition, 2010) states, ‘Grief is acute mental pain resulting from loss, misfortune, or deep disappointment. Grief is more acute and less enduring than sorrow.’ Put simply, grief is how we react to loss, especially the loss of someone or something with which we have formed a bond. Humans have responded to grave losses in one way or another. Looking at how different individuals or groups have responded to a loss help underscores the power of grief. Many in their grief found a purpose, a mission, a vision and a goal to which they earnestly pursued all their lives. Yes, in their grief and deep sorrow, they found a path and a course to which their lives were geared.

The power of grief is no where more explicit than in the Bible. In the book of Ecclesiastes 7: 1 – 8 which states in parts, ‘A name is better than good oil, and the day of death than the day of one’s being born. Better is it to go to the house of mourning than to go to the banquet house, because that is the end of mankind; and the one alive should take it to his heart… The heart of the wise ones is in the house of mourning… Better is the end afterward of a matter than its beginning.’ This portion underlines the fact that a lot can be learnt in grief. Grief has led many to pursue life choices and careers that changed the course of history. People often say that sports unite the world but I can arguably say that nothing has united the world as much as the grief felt earth wide in response to tragedies and disasters. Remember 9/11 and the Earthquake and Tsunami in the Indian Ocean in 2004. In our communities and societies, in the sheer moments of grief and sorrow, everyone stands together irrespective of the race, the tribe, the social class, or the religious affiliation of the individuals in that community or group. At this point, I’m starting a series titled: ‘In their grief and sorrow, they found a course!’ I will begin this series with two examples:

In Their Grief and Sorrow, They found a Course - Dora Akunyili and her fight against fake drugs!

Professor Dora Akunyili needs no introduction. She was the name of the struggle to eradicate fake and substandard drugs from Nigeria for so many years. You may wonder why she was so passionate in the crusade against counterfeit drugs. She has stated in so many of the interviews she granted during her tenure as the head of NAFDAC (National Agency for Food and Drugs Administration and Control) that her determination to wage this war on fake drugs was driven by memories of a personal tragedy. ‘Her 21-year-old diabetic sister, Vivian, died in 1988 because of a fake insulin injection.’ (Sourced from www.eyesonmalaria.com) Yes! In her grief and sorrow over the loss of her sister, she found a course. Armed with her professional knowledge and experience, she took the fight to the manufacturers, marketers, importers and all the players in the fake drugs empire. Her success was not only in fighting the production and sales of fake drugs, better still, she led a very productive enlightenment campaign raising the awareness of Nigerians on the dangers of fake drugs. Today, before buying certain items, people commonly ask, ‘Where is the NAFDAC number?’ A sad and painful event as the death of a sibling has inspired one individual to effect so much change in a system plagued with endemic malpractices. There is power in grief!

In their Grief and Sorrow, They found a Course – The Story of Etan Patz!

Ethan Kalil Patz was a six years old American boy who lived with his parents in New York City in the late 70’s. He desperately sought the parents’ permission to walk alone to the school bus stop which was just two blocks away from their apartment. On Friday, May 25th, 1979, his wish was granted. He left his apartment alone for the first time to catch the school bus at the bus stop but he never made it there. He was never seen again. The police and the neighbours engaged in one of the largest search for a missing child in American history. His father was a professional photographer and had earlier taken pictures of his son. Those pictures were also used in the search for him. His pictures were printed on many posters and milk cartons. The story of his disappearance brought grief to the hearts of many Americans. It inspired the missing children movement and led to the milk carton campaigns of the mid-1980s. His picture was the first to be used in that campaign. Legislative changes were made on account of that incident. The day of Etan Patz's disappearance, May 25, has been designated National Missing Children's Day in the US since its declaration by President Ronald Reagan in 1983. (Sourced from Wikipedia) Three years later, an international day was created on the same date to build awareness on missing children in different countries of the world. The disappearance of Ethan also made parents to re-evaluate the ways they train their children and also on ways to keep them from harm. This has also led to the aggressive Amber Alert system where security agencies seek the help of the public in searching for missing children through television announcements and postings on electronic highway billboards. In Europe, the disappearances of 3 years old Madeline McCann while his British family were on vacation in Portugal in 2007, and 9 years old Estelle Mouzin in France in 2003, have helped revolutionized the way missing children cases are handled in Europe. The case of Estelle helped give rise to France’s abduction alert system in 2006. Since then it has been used successfully on several occasions to locate missing children. Yes! In grief, not only individuals but groups and nations have found a course that has helped other victims who suffer the same fate.

P.S. I wrote this piece a few days after the unfortunate crash of Dana Airlines plane in Lagos on the 3rd of June, 2012. - Dr. Eugene A. O

Jokes in Pidgin English (9)

Funny thin wen we dey see and hear!

You don ever pass one quiet street, only you, you come jam one big man wen nor wear shirt hold sharp cutlass dey waka towards you. O boyee. U go first confuse, whether make u run go back or make u begin dey greet d guy from distance so dat e mind go cool down b4 u near am. Well, maybe na just farmer wen dey go farm and d cutlass na wetin e go use for farm. But how u wan take dey sure say he means no harm. For my hometown, na so I jam one farmer like dat one day. D farmer nor wear shirt, e hold cutlass for hand wen e go use for farm. I nor sure say I don greet person pass d way I greet dat man dat day. Na from distance d greeting start, ‘Brother digwo! Digwo broda! Digwo broda!’ repetition 4 emphasis in case e nor hear d first time.

E come get one guy wen dey say em blind, e nor dey see, e dey use long stick dey waka. Na so d guy enter one quiet road. Na only him dey. E come dey waka freely e nor dey use d stick. After few minutes, na em sight one man dey come from distance. D blind guy quickly arrange em stick, dey form blind guy. As e come dey near d other man, e come see say d guy nor wear shirt and e hold one sharp new cutlass. O boy, na so d blind man stop. E dey reason: ‘dis man wen nor wear shirt and e hold cutlass, na farmer abi na ritualist? Wen e see say d cutlass guy don dey near am, e come remember say, sometimes, na disable people dem take do ritual pass. O boy, na so d blind man, leave e stick dey tear race dey go. D cutlass man dey tell am say ‘eh, u  forget ur stick ooo!’ o boy, blind man nor send. 4 em mind, safety first!

O boyee.. wetin people nor go do to survive 4 dis naija!

A Joke a day keeps the doctor away! (12-01-13)

Folks! When you fall asleep; it’s like when a computer or phone is put off. When you wake up; it’s like when a computer or phone is put back on. It will take a while to boot. While booting, d system can’t work effectively. Likewise, when we wake up from sleep, it will take a while for our brains to boot. For some their brains boot faster than others. It also depends on how u woke up: suddenly or gradually. The slower you wake up, the more efficient the booting. The story goes like so:

There was this university undergraduate (I nor call person name ooo) who was preparing for exams. A night to the exam, he studied late into the night. He slept very late (Brain was fagged out.) Exam was to start 8am. My guy woke up by 9am. Listen:

(Brain still booting) He stood up. ‘Waoh! I need to read for my exams tomorrow’ He carried his book and started reading. (His mates were almost half-way into d exams he was reading for)

(Brain still booting) ‘Uhmmm! Let me cram this area of concentration (AOC) that our lecturer gave us.

(Brain finished booting. He then remembered.) ‘O MY GOD! Today is d day of d exam. O mine. What! It’s 9:15am and exam ought to start by 8am. Oh no. Nooooooo!’

He then rushed to d exam hall. Don’t ask me how it ended. Just tell ‘am’: ‘sorry.’

A word a day … (12-01-13)!

I don't need to know so much about you.

I know enough: you are human!

You don't have to tell me everything about  

youself.

I know enough: you are a human being!

I can not presume to know exactly what 

difficulties you are going through but I 

know enough: life is tough. So, take heart 

people!

My Piece for Today (Grief series redacted, vol 1) - Something to hold on to!

In the course of my life, I have had my share of difficult times. Yet, there are certain events that have helped to keep me going; events so dear to me that I can’t let go of its memory. Since I started working as a medical professional, I have had very trying and disappointing moments. Those are the times I felt I can’t keep up. Yes, those times when I felt I’m not good ...enough; I’m just not cut out for this. Nevertheless I managed to persevere. Somewhere along the line, something extraordinary happens. One event I won’t forget is a child who was brought to the hospital by a young mother. The child was critically ill. I was about leaving the hospital when the child was brought in. I work in a low resource hospital, so some standard equipment were lacking. All the same I used what was available. I stayed with that child for hours. At some point, the child showed some improvement and I left him in the care of a nurse. Few days later, the child improved remarkably and was discharged home. I felt so glad. Many months have passed and yet whenever the mother sees me she’s all smiles. She knows my Hausa is poor and that we can’t really hold a conversation, yet in her smiles lays the story I will live to remember: the day I helped to save her dying child. I keep that day close to my heart because a lot of things could have gone wrong that day and yet we scaled through. So, anytime I’m down, anytime I have a bad day, working hard and yet not having commensurate result, anytime I lose a patient I've fought so hard to help, when I get home, I just relive that day I helped that dying child. Remembering that day have kept me going. It’s like a drowning man that held on to a piece of raft keeping him adrift. When he eventually gets rescued, he won’t forget that raft. If possible he would keep it as a souvenir of his escape from the grip of death. Yes! We all have something to hold on to, something to remind us of how precious and thrilling this life can be!

Two days ago, I lost a dear friend. I felt so bad when I heard the news but I did not hold on solely to the grief. Something helped me through the grief. I remember the good times we had together in Benin. Those times I would leave the student’s hostel to his place off-campus. All the laughs, the gist and the happy times we spent together. He was a jovial, simple, easygoing guy. His name was funny. His surname was Basikoro. That is the Urhobo word for bicycles. Imagine you been named after a bicycle, very typical of Urhobo names! We always had some thing to laugh about. When we see each other, even without saying a word, we just laugh. And he would call me ‘Ojirigho’(o dear, I can’t help the tears). My surname was always amusing to him as well. It has different meanings depending on your pronunciation. He was fond of the pronunciation that means, ‘a thief of money’. He made me laugh so much. O Jonathan! He just got married with a whole lot ahead of him. O Jehovah! May you provide comfort to his wife and family! I won’t remember these last few days. I won’t keep on mourning and squirming. But I will live to remember the good times. I will ever remember the jokes, the laughter, the joys and the dreams of our youthful vigour. It will serve as an anchor, something to hold on to, in this moment of grief. Even as my heart grieves, my face will glow with good cheer and gratitude to Jehovah for the privilege of knowing Jonathan, a friend, a brother, a school mate and an ‘Oniovo’ to the core. I miss him dearly!

My friends, no matter the circumstances, no matter how bad things are, there is always something good to look back on, something that will make you grin with smiles and that will make you hold your head up with expectation and hope. Take the university environment. No matter how good you were in secondary school, the university is a whole new ball game. In short, in the university you are advised to hang your secondary school credentials at the gate and buckle down to a new reality. As a student I had good and bad times, moments of highs and lows, happy times and sad times. So many events but I cherish a few close to my heart. On a bad day, that special moment will keep me going. I remember an exam had. I prepared so well for the exam and as God would have it, the exam went so well. The moment I dropped my pen for that exam I knew I have passed. It was a great feeling. I was ‘high’ with excitement. I did not have to wait for the result; I knew that that was it. It was a day I will never forget. It was even more special than the day I saw the result. Because in that moment after the exam, I felt rejuvenated and reawaken. It made me feel, ‘O yes! I can! Yes, I can’. There was no self-doubt, no feeling of inferiority or incompetence, and no holding back. So from that day onward, whenever I’m having difficulties in school, I recall that day and relive that moment, ‘O! I can make it’. I wished I had captured that moment in photographs as memorabilia for the future.

If you are in a relationship or marriage, there are good times and bad times. It happens in every relationship. When you and your mate are having difficulties, remember a special moment and keep it close to your heart. What about that vacation or holiday or trip you had together. You laughed and cried and cheered with joy. You forgot about every other thing in your life and it was just you and him in sheer abandon and delight. Did you take a picture? I guess you framed it and kept it in a special place that is easily accessible. So that on a very bad day, when everything is upside down and you begin to regret the life choices you made, you pray God for help as you would; let Him help you remember the good times. Pick that picture, close your eyes and relive that special moment you had together, the moment you reinforced your belief that you both were meant to be together. Hold on to that moment. Hang on to it the way a drowning man holds on to a rafter in a bid to save his life. Yes! Something dear to hold on to as though your life depends on it!

It helps to remember the good times. It can be life-saving to remember the special moments. How often we hear the story of a political or religious prisoner who is held in isolation for months and years at a time! Many of them survive by holding on to something very precious to them. To some, it could be the picture of a loved one, a child or a spouse. While for others, it’s the little items they have in their possession which reminds them of the good times they've had. For many, there is no physical item to remind them of their past, all they have is their memory. And how they would cherish that memory! Imagine been locked in a small cell, no communication with the outside world, how well you would cherish the memories of your past! How gratifying it would be to hold on to a very special memory, a mental memoir of the moment you felt so alive. If you sit down and look back, you will find that moment. In the rare event you don’t, as long as you live, look for and create that moment and that event that you will always live to remember. May God help us find something great to hold on to in our course though life!

P.S. I wrote this piece many months ago. I'm republishing it to reshape my blog.

My Piece for the Day - 11-01-13

It’s a Mistake! (Things you hear that make you just ‘wonder wonder’!)

One lady caught the husband cheating on her with his secretary in their matrimonial home. The words that came out of the man’s mouth were: ‘Honey, it’s a mistake!’
It made me wonder: ‘How? Which part of the whole parade was a mistake? Here are some thots:

He mistakenly showered encomiums on his secretary for months.

He mistakenly took her out for lunch and several unofficial outings.

He mistakenly bought her expensive gifts and presents.

He mistakenly took her home with the full knowledge that the wife traveled.

He mistakenly took her to Mr. Biggs and visited the shopping mall on the way home.

He mistakenly prepared some soul-stirring music in his car and home stereo.

He was mistakenly naked when he was mistakenly caught by the very mistaken wife who made the grave mistake of coming home much earlier than planned.

On further enquiry, it was found out that he’s been making the same mistake for months.

At what point did he make the mistake? Maybe he mistook his secretary for his wife.

If this mistake can be compared to a long road trip, picture traveling a straight route from Sokoto thru Kaduna, Abuja, Benin and heading to Port Harcourt(PH). After spending days on the road, you got to PH. A friend then asked you, ‘Guy, what are you doing in PH’ and your answer was, ‘It’s a mistake. I came to PH from Sokoto by mistake.’ That is what we call ‘Eba Mistake.’ Mistakes ko, mistakes ni.
{You dey Abuja, you say you dey Sokoto! Baby, why you dey do me ojoro, u dey do me ojoro oh ooo}

A Joke a day keeps the doctor away! (11-01-13)

One rich man parked his brand new car by the roadside ostensibly to show off. One mad man nearby approached the car and used his stick to scratch the car.
The rich man screamed: ‘What! What did you do that for?’
Mad man: ‘You parked in my space.’
Rich man: ‘What, who gave you this space? You don’t even own a car. What rights have you to scratch my car? Do you know who I am?’
Mad man: ‘Of course, I know who you are. You are a mad man. Long time, no see!’

Rich man: 'God forbid. I don't know you. I've never met you before.'

Mad man: 'That's what we all say at first; we deny the obvious.'