A Joke a day keeps the doctor away! (24-01-13)

There is this story I heard in school. It’s a joke. I don’t know what inspired this story. Let me say my own version of the story. There are other versions. There was this guy who was having a tough time in school. He sent several messages home asking for help. Yet, he received nothing. Angered by the situation, he sent this letter home:

“Dear Father, life is so difficult in school. No foodstuff. No money to buy food or anything. I’m tired of school and I’m tired of life. Suicide attempted.”

This guy sent the letter home hoping that when his folks at home sees the letter, they will understand the gravity of the situation and then send him the money he needed.

 

After reading the letter, the father replied:
“Dear Son. I got your letter. Life is difficult here too. No food. No money for house-rent or for anything. I've lost my job and your mum just put to birth. Suicide allowed.”

Upon seeing the dad’s letter, he fainted.

 

P.S. On a personal note, let me add this: This is not an endorsement of suicide or suicide ideation (suicidal thoughts). This story is meant as a joke. Sometimes, the thought of suicide is a symptom of a deeper psychological problem that can be corrected with professional help. There are some popular tales of people who used suicide as a tool to pass on a message. Be assured that there are thousands of other suicide stories that are easily forgotten or unheard of. Many remain a mystery. You can choose life and still be a hero for whatever course you want to fight for. For those who are having tough times, ending things is not the way. It only creates more misery, horror and hardship for those left behind. No matter how hard your circumstances are, put faith in your Maker and remember the saying: It’s always darkest before dawn. Life, though imperfect, is worth living. Have a lovely time, folks.

Jokes in Pidgin English (22) – Strong Man!

Those days we dey hear say the best way to defend is to attack. My brother these days, according to one of my friends, the best way to defend is to run o. Nowadays the best defenders na those wen sabi run pass. Those days I dey see people wen say dem stubborn, dem go smoke 'igbor' (Indian hemp) come dey say, 'You know who I be? Nor try me o'. Nowadays e get some things wen you go see, you go loyal! If you like smoke all the 'igbor' wen dey this world, wen you see or hear about d Bigger Brosses, you must loyal na. E get one guy, wen e don smoke finish, e go dey intimidate everybody. Na so one day, the guy smoke finish, e come dey waka for road, dey curse anybody wen e see. Na so the guy come jam some guys wen dey throwaway things, 'kpo kpo kpo kpa kpa kpa gbooor gboor.' My brother, wetin dis guy see, the 'igbor' clear comot from em eyes sharp sharp. E ma come pick race dey run. People dey ask am, 'Strong man, why u dey run? Wetin happen?' The guy dey run, e nor stop. Wen e run reach one place, e don tire, so e come stop. People come ask am, 'Strong man, we think say u nor dey fear anything. Wetin make u dey run?' The guy dey try breathe, 'eh… eh… eh…' to recover from d race. Finally, e say, ' Abeg I nor be strong man o, people wen get the world dem dey road o'. My guy continue the race. E see wetin  pass am.

A word a day … (23-01-13)!

it's hard
it's so hard
it's very hard
it's too hard
it's pretty hard
it's damn hard
e hard ooo
e no easy ooo
there are times when the above sums up the journey of our lives. But, at the end of the day, we survive not because of but in spite of. To God be the glory!

A Joke a day keeps the doctor away! (23-01-13)

Mobile phone abuse!

I remember years ago in Nigeria. If you want to make a phone call, you have to travel some kilometers to the nearest NITEL office. You would then buy a card and wait on a queue before it gets to your turn. When you consider all the stress involved, you don’t make frivolous calls. You weigh what you want to say and you make the calls at the time best suited for the person you are calling. Nowadays, mobile phones and networks are everywhere. As a result, we see a lot of trivialities with phone calls.

There was this weekend, sometime ago. I wasn't on duty. So, I had the whole weekend to myself. I did not receive a single phone call. On Monday morning, I was back at work with so much to do. I was so much in a hurry to catch up with my work. Then my phone rang. “Hello, I just want to great you.”Amazing, right? You want to say, ‘Hi’ on a busy Monday morning when you had the whole weekend to do that. “Hi yourself, my friend!”

What is more annoying now is that mobile phone operators have copied this wrong attitude of some of their customers. You are expecting a bank credit alert for your salary, your messenger rings; when you check, ‘Good morning, call … to get more information on our services.’ What, did I ask you if I needed more services?

Most annoying is when you are expecting an important phone call, your phone rings. You pick it up only for you to hear an automated voice-recorded message: ‘Hello, dear customer, we are offering value added services. We have so and so and so…. Press 1 for … Press 2 for…’ Rubbish! Press off. It’s high time I press charges in court for these networks that violate my peace of mind.

I Love Pidgin English Talk Talk (3)

Funny thins – Na God Call Me!
This thin dey tire me. You go see people wen dey say na God call dem. Uhmmm! If you be Bank Manager God come call you, you come leave bank work come start your ministry, I go understand o. If u be Chairman of a multinational company, you dey fly with private jet, God come call you, you come leave that work turn to Pastor, I go understand o. Na real sacrifice be that! But the one wen I dey see dey tire man pikin o. You go see graduate wen don serve finish, two years no job, four years no job, on the fifth year, my guy open church for one uncompleted building dey say God call am, na waooo!
E get one man wen open school. School dey function well. After some years life happened and school come fold up. My guy come turn the school to church. E say na God call am. My brother na waooo!
Late Sunny Okosun wen sing sing secular music, wen e see say em music nor dey rain again, e come dey sing gospel music, dey say na God call, na waooo. Politician don dey learn dat thing. Many politicians dey say God call dem to rule, both those wen win and those wen nor win, I nor call person name o. But these people na waooo!
Wetin dey pain be say, must you say, ‘God called me’? Na every body God dey call. Even for Bible how many people God call directly, dem nor many ooo! If you wan do business, do business, if you wan open church, open church, if you wan sing or be politician do wetin dey your mind to do, if you succeed we thank God, if you nor succeed, you try again, must you say, ‘God called me’? Make we nor dey call God name bcos our mouth dey scratch us. Whether na God call dem, I nor know, me I nor dey there o.

Jokes in Pidgin English (21)! – Deaf and Dumb!

This time na bad time to be deaf and dumb o. e get one guy wen dey form deaf and dumb. Every day this guy go stand near one govt building dey beg with big sign for em chest: DEAF AND DUMB! HELP! e come get 2 Warri boys wen dey always pass there go work. Everyday them dey see the deaf guy. The Warri boys come dey argue:
‘That guy na fake deaf and dumb.’
‘Na lie, how big guy like that go dey form.’
‘I dey tell you, that guy na wayo e dey do, if na lie make we go test the guy.’
Na so these Warri boys plan how them go deceive the guy.
One evening as dem dey come back from work, dem come hold five five naira wen dem go give d deaf guy. As dem dey drop d money, dem come dey talk small small among themselves.
Warri 1: Na wow. Na bad thing to be deaf and dumb.
Warri 2: Na true. That’s why dis guy never hear say dem throw bomb for the next street now now.
Warri 1: I even hear say this govt house here na the next target o.
Warri 2: Abeg make we drop dis money make we kawai, make dem nor turn us and dis guy to burnt offering o.
As d Warri boys turn their back dey waka go, after few seconds dem turn back see deaf and dumb don tear race dey run from d govt building. O boy, na im burst laugh o.

A Joke a day keeps the doctor away! (22-01-13)

I remember the joke I once heard in school back in the days. Who am I? It's the joke of a young man who had written BK/CRS (Bible Knowledge/Christian Religious Studies) so many times without success. From experience he realized that there was one question that was often repeated, 'Critically analyze the life and times of John the Baptist.' So, for the next exams, he crammed everything about John the Baptist. But, alas on the exam day, the question was not what he expected, 'Critically analyze the life and times of Jesus Christ'. He was surprised but not out. He has to download the stuff he's crammed about John the Baptist. Being the smart guy that he was, he wrote, "Who am I to criticize our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ? I will rather criticize his servant John the Baptist..." So he went on pouring his stuff on John the Baptist. The first time I heard d joke, I laughed so hard. Hence, I remember that early morning in the theatre years ago when and where Dr Ehigiegba entertained us with that joke. I certainly don't remember the surgery or the stuff that went with it but I do remember that joke... On a serious note, as I go about my tasks, I ask myself this rhetorical question, 'Who am I?'