Jokes in Pidgin English (24)

Funny things wen man don see – Who steal the meat?

I remember those days for Hall 3, UNIBEN. One of my room-mates go market, arrange correct meat take cook soup. When he cook finish, he come go lecture. When he close, come back, come open pot, he see say some meat don miss from the pot. The population of the meat inside the pot underwent some radical changes in numerical strength and body mass. To use big grammer make e nor lost. The guy hala, 'Somebody carry meat from my pot.' I come tell am say maybe na rat carry am. The guy say, 'Bros yee! Rat go carry meat from pot, come still cover am back?' O boy! When he ask the question, I come really reason am. That na PhD question o. That kind rat wen dey steal meat from pot, come still cover the pot back so that make dem nor catch am. That kind rat deserve national merit award for excellence in thievery. We need to check the IQ of that rat. Na genius e go be. That kind rat go fit question the owner of the pot: 'You count the meat? How you take know say the meat dey lost? Where is your proof? Show me the receipt of meat ownership.'

A word a day… 24-01-13

In a long road trip, the one who started first does not necessarily come out first; the outcome does not really depend on who started first. For example, when you take a long road trip say from Kano to Benin, the fact that you took the first bus for Benin does not mean you'll get to Benin first. A lot can happen: mechanical failure, driver's fatigue, traffic jams, bad weather, etc. So too is the journey of life. Those who started first don't necessarily come out tops. So what matters more is not when you started but how well you persevere in what you've started. The scriptures did not say, 'He who started the course of endurance will be saved,' but he who endured to the end will be saved. We undertake different journeys in the course of our lives and the journey of our lives can take different courses: education, jobs/career, marriage, family etc. It does not matter when or where you started. The one who can truly lay claim to success is the one who persevered to the end in spite of all the odds. Persevere in a good course and may you find success in your way. Have a successful day, folks!

I Love Pidgin English Talk Talk (4)

Funny things wen man dey see!

E get one guy, we dey work for the same place. One day, I don late, I dey rush go work, the guy block me for road. E tell me say e get urgent problem, e need money ASAP. Because I don late for work, I nor get time to get the full gist, so i come give am the money sharp sharp. For the guy mind, i dey loaded. So another day, the guy come meet me for house one evening like that. I don come back from work dat day, I dey relax. So wen my guy show dis time, I nor dey hurry. The problem wen dis guy come bring na big problem. I come ask d guy, ‘Wetin happen?’ The guy come tell me one long story, how e take waka from Genesis enter Exodus, come meet one Isaiah, travel go Colossians. By d time my guy reach Revelation, one hour don pass. Uhmmm. I come look. I tell am say, ‘This your problem big pass me o, this your problem, the solution is not earthly but heavenly. Guy nor worry, I go put am for my prayer point. With God, nothing is impossible.’ Wen the guy see say no show today, the guy waka. I know say the guy go dey reason for em mind, ‘Why dis bros nor help me today? Maybe the story wen I talk too long. Maybe e nor dey like long long story.’ Nor be small thing.

Another day like dat, my guy show again. This time the guy don summarize d problem. He was brief and straight to the point like shorthand. Before one minute, the guy don yan em problem finish. O boyee. E be like say this guy don catch me today. I come look up, look down. I say, ‘Guy, this problem wen you tell me so, e dey remind me of wetin happen to me many years ago.’ Na so I come start my own tori. I take the guy pass Genesis, Hebrews, by the time we pass Revelation, I nor know. I come yan the guy different solutions to em problem. The guy dey wait make I land, I nor gree land. I dey talk talk talk oooo. So at one point piss come dey catch me (urge to pass urine), I come take break, tell d guy say, ‘to be continued, make I go piss (urinate)’. Before I piss come back, my guy don run… sheee… I never even talk d sweet part of my tori, my guy don waka. Na waooooo oh.

Jokes in Pidgin English (23) – Fake patient!

E get people wen dey pretend say dem dey sick, so that dem go get attention. Na women dey do am pass, especially married ones. E get one wife wen dey always pretend say she dey sick so that the husband go drop money. This man come get sister wen be nurse. So everytime the wife sick, e go carry her to the sister. Everytime, sick sick. The nurse come notice say her brother wife dey pretend. So, one day dem carry her come say she dey sick. The nurse come go look for those injection wen dey pain like the analgin of those days. When she give the woman this injection, she see stars. She well by force. After that day, she nor sick again. If this nurse wan find her trouble, she go say, 'In-law, how far na? See ur face. E be like say you nor well o.' This woman go say, 'Nooo, i well o. In short, since you give me that injection eh, I nor sick again. Sister, that injection strong shaa.'

A Joke a day keeps the doctor away! (24-01-13)

There is this story I heard in school. It’s a joke. I don’t know what inspired this story. Let me say my own version of the story. There are other versions. There was this guy who was having a tough time in school. He sent several messages home asking for help. Yet, he received nothing. Angered by the situation, he sent this letter home:

“Dear Father, life is so difficult in school. No foodstuff. No money to buy food or anything. I’m tired of school and I’m tired of life. Suicide attempted.”

This guy sent the letter home hoping that when his folks at home sees the letter, they will understand the gravity of the situation and then send him the money he needed.

 

After reading the letter, the father replied:
“Dear Son. I got your letter. Life is difficult here too. No food. No money for house-rent or for anything. I've lost my job and your mum just put to birth. Suicide allowed.”

Upon seeing the dad’s letter, he fainted.

 

P.S. On a personal note, let me add this: This is not an endorsement of suicide or suicide ideation (suicidal thoughts). This story is meant as a joke. Sometimes, the thought of suicide is a symptom of a deeper psychological problem that can be corrected with professional help. There are some popular tales of people who used suicide as a tool to pass on a message. Be assured that there are thousands of other suicide stories that are easily forgotten or unheard of. Many remain a mystery. You can choose life and still be a hero for whatever course you want to fight for. For those who are having tough times, ending things is not the way. It only creates more misery, horror and hardship for those left behind. No matter how hard your circumstances are, put faith in your Maker and remember the saying: It’s always darkest before dawn. Life, though imperfect, is worth living. Have a lovely time, folks.

Jokes in Pidgin English (22) – Strong Man!

Those days we dey hear say the best way to defend is to attack. My brother these days, according to one of my friends, the best way to defend is to run o. Nowadays the best defenders na those wen sabi run pass. Those days I dey see people wen say dem stubborn, dem go smoke 'igbor' (Indian hemp) come dey say, 'You know who I be? Nor try me o'. Nowadays e get some things wen you go see, you go loyal! If you like smoke all the 'igbor' wen dey this world, wen you see or hear about d Bigger Brosses, you must loyal na. E get one guy, wen e don smoke finish, e go dey intimidate everybody. Na so one day, the guy smoke finish, e come dey waka for road, dey curse anybody wen e see. Na so the guy come jam some guys wen dey throwaway things, 'kpo kpo kpo kpa kpa kpa gbooor gboor.' My brother, wetin dis guy see, the 'igbor' clear comot from em eyes sharp sharp. E ma come pick race dey run. People dey ask am, 'Strong man, why u dey run? Wetin happen?' The guy dey run, e nor stop. Wen e run reach one place, e don tire, so e come stop. People come ask am, 'Strong man, we think say u nor dey fear anything. Wetin make u dey run?' The guy dey try breathe, 'eh… eh… eh…' to recover from d race. Finally, e say, ' Abeg I nor be strong man o, people wen get the world dem dey road o'. My guy continue the race. E see wetin  pass am.

A word a day … (23-01-13)!

it's hard
it's so hard
it's very hard
it's too hard
it's pretty hard
it's damn hard
e hard ooo
e no easy ooo
there are times when the above sums up the journey of our lives. But, at the end of the day, we survive not because of but in spite of. To God be the glory!