Jokes in Queen’s English – The Police are your friends!

We often hear these words: The police are your friends. It’s often taken as a slogan to boost the image of the police; it’s not taken literally. One man took it as a real message. One day, while driving on a cozy evening, he got to a police check-point. The police man asked him to drop ‘something’ (a bribe). The man said, ‘My friend, my friend! I don’t have something today. My friend, please, some other time.’ Before you hear Jack, the police man gave him a very unfriendly slap, ‘Who is your friend? Park well, my friend!’ After much insult on injury, the man was let go. When he got home, he lamented, ‘If friends can do this to me, who needs enemies?’ 

Jokes in Queen’s English – When I was a child!

Like every other adult, I was once a child. Sometimes, when I think back to the things I did and the things I was told and made to believe as a child, I can’t help but laugh hard. Here are some examples:

As a child, some of the adults around me sometimes hoard the juicy part of the meals: the meat, fish and the like. They would say, ‘Your time dey come (you will get your turn when you grow up).’ Some even said that giving a child the best parts of the meal encourage stealing. Now, I understand why I’m a briefly summarized full stop. I stopped growing before my time because the adults who had stopped growing then would not allow the young to grow.

As a child I was told that Experience is the best Teacher. Then, I wondered, ‘If that is true, why is Mr. Experience not teaching us at school? Which school is Mr. Experience?’

As a child I was told that the child of a neighbour died while playing a game of football. I got scared. Now, I know why I’m not an Okocha or Messi. Instead, I sit in front of a TV to watch them.

As a child I was told by a friend in school that sometimes their TV set at home won’t start-up until they put it in a wheelbarrow and use it to run around the street first. I thought it was a true story. Not until I told a group of friends the story and they just looked at me amusingly that I realized that that was a factitious Super-Story. It was dumb.

As a child I was so scared of taking drugs; I run far away from home to avoid taking medications. Now, I know better, right? ... right?

When I was growing up, I was used to eating Eba, Semo, Pounded Yam and Starch with my bare hands. Much later, I realized that some people ate them with the aid of a spoon or folk. I was shocked. How can you mold it into a swallow-able lump with those utensils? ‘The thing will not pass (can’t be swallowed)’. Well, one day, a friend of mine in school encouraged me to just give it a try. I obliged. When I took my first round of Eba with a folk, my eyes opened and I saw the light and since that time, many years running, I eat ‘every’ with utensils, home and away, at ‘Mama Put’ and Royal Tropicana, from ‘Eat more, Pay less’ to ‘I was there.’ O boy, all join/correct.

O, when I was a child…

Jokes in Pidgin English (36) – ‘You nor know English!’

We know say wetin oyinbo dey call ‘mannerism’ dey. Some people dey like talk and act in a particular fashion. That said, if you hear some people dey use certain words all the time, that nor be mannerism. That one mean say the person nor know English; him ma nor sabi grammar. If you hear person dey use words like, ‘probability; under probability; in fact; in short’ all the time, make you know say that person nor sabi English. You know why?

I get one friend wen dey like to use ‘under probability/na probability’ in every discussion.

Me: How body? You dey go work?

Friend: Body dey cloth. I nor know how body dey do me. To go work today na under probability o.

Me: How far? You fit help me buy some items for market when you close back from work?

Friend: Well, today na busy day for work o. I go don tire when I close o. To help you na probability o.

One day, my friend ask me for money. I answered: ‘Technically, it’s highly improbable under current mathematical and economic variables and probabilities for me to render your request.’ My friend replied: ‘If you nor get money talk, nor dey blow grammar. Na quarrel?’

Well, na lack of vocabulary dey cause am. If not, words like ‘probably’, ‘maybe’, ‘likely’, etc can be used instead of ‘under probability/na probability’. Maybe, that na the one grammar when my friend cram for school. Those days for secondary school, he get people wen dey cram big words, ‘perambulate, procrastinate, tautology etc’ and them dey use am every time whether the thing rhyme or correct, dem nor care. E.g. ‘Why are you perambulating and procrastinating in the corridor? What a tautology!’

E get other words wen people like to use. Words like: ‘in fact’, ‘in short’ and others. Imagine three friends meet. One like to use ‘under probability/na probability’; another one dey use ‘in fact’; the last one dey use ‘in short.’ So one dey, dem sit down outside. Them come see one fine car pass. This discussion ensued:

Friend 1: In fact, that na Toyota Camry.

Friend 2: Na lie. In short, that na Honda Accord.

As the argument dey go on, them come ask Friend 3 for input.

Friend 3: Hmm… In fact, if you look the car from the front, na Camry. In short, if you look the car from back, na Accord. But if you look the car from the side, I don’t know… That na probability o.

‘I was cheated’; ‘He duped me’ – Words that invoke strong Emotions!

Maybe you've heard or seen an experience like these: ‘Man stabbed to death over 10 Naira change,’ ‘Men fought over a meal at a wedding reception’, and others like these. When we hear or read about stories like the ones above, we often wonder why people would go to great length to fight and struggle over seemingly trivial matters. The truth is: these men or women did not engage in that behaviour because of the money or the item in question. After all, 10 Naira (0.06 US Dollars) or a meal won’t make much difference in their lives. Rather, they engaged in this act because of the underlining emotion encapsulated in these words: ‘I was cheated.’ That feeling that another man outsmarted us and the urge to avenge that wrong is a very powerful motivation and emotion. We must never underestimate what a man can do if he feels cheated. Yes, don’t overlook the resolve of a man who thinks he’s been defrauded. Some who are aware of the power of such feelings have manipulated others to do their bidding by using those lines: ‘ They've cheated us. They need to pay.’

We should be wary of these sentiments and do our very best to avoid circumstances that could be misconstrued as cheating. How so? For example, if you are reaching an agreement or a contract with another individual or group for the purpose of providing or receiving a service or item(s), the terms and specifics of that contract/agreement must be clear and unequivocal to all the interested parties. It does not matter whether the service is as trivial as boarding a commercial transportation medium (cars, buses, bikes) or as serious as the acquisition of landed properties like lands or buildings. A man hailed a commercial motor cyclist. He wants to travel a few kilometers. He reasoned that the transport fare would be a very small amount, so he joined the cyclist without agreeing on a price. When they got to his destination, he gave the cyclist money. The cyclist said the money was not enough and requested for 10 Naira (0.06 US Dollars) more. The passenger disagreed. An argument ensued. The cyclist felt he was being cheated. The passenger felt the same. Before long, tempers flew, and the passenger was stabbed as a result. Why did this happen over 10 Naira, a mere 10 Naira one would ask? It’s not the amount of money involved; rather it was the underlining emotion: ‘ I've been cheated; he has to pay.’ These unfortunate events happen now and then. It could be avoided. If both parties, the cyclist and the passenger, had agreed on a price before departure, the sad outcome could have been avoided. In these tough economic times, it’s very easy for people to feel cheated or duped and more persons may find it hard to overlook a perceived wrong. We can’t avoid every misgiving, but we can sure do our best to avoid unnecessary confrontations. Please, before you get on a commercial bike or bus or train or whatever means of public transport, find out and agree on a price before boarding or departure. Be comfortable with your agreement before you leave. Same goes for other services however trivial like getting a hair-cut or hair-do; buying or selling perishable or damageable items.

Many are wary of dealings that involve money and that is understandable. Money has the potential of making people behave unpredictably. This is of utmost importance when it comes to borrowing or lending of money. Yes, when it comes to issues of loans, be it involving individuals or groups, it always has the potential for doubts, mistrust and feelings of disappointments and betrayal. Hence, it’s very important that we go into these arrangements with all the possible outcomes in mind. There must be a clear understanding of what it entails and the details of payments must be made and agreed to in advance. Ideally, there should be witnesses and if necessary a signed agreement made. One must understand that not everybody likes paying back what they owe and not everyone obey the terms of such arrangements. Not everyone is honest when it comes to financial dealings. Nevertheless, it’s easier to minimize the potential for trouble if everything was spelt out from the onset. As much as possible, we want to avoid making others feel that we are cheating them. The blow-back of such emotions can have serious consequences.

There are groups of people who may feel cheated and thus feel the need to avenge that wrong. Such groups may be bound by language, tribe, geography, beliefs and the likes. Understanding this phenomenon is important to appreciating the root causes of ethnic or racial or religious discords and such understanding can go a long way to avoiding needless violence and destruction of lives and properties. It’s incumbent on our leaders and those who hold public office to discern the emotions and consequences of a group of people who feels cheated and marginalized. Sometimes, these feelings arise from ignorance, misinformation, unfounded rumours and speculations. While good education alone may not assuage the concerns of those who feel hurt or cheated, in some cases, it even worsens those concerns, but on the long run, a more educated and literate society can easily avail themselves of more accurate information and thus less likely to be mislead by individuals who seek to exploit the simple-mindedness of a largely uneducated and illiterate populace. Those in positions of authority must be quick to correct misconceptions and misleading information that could provoke the feelings of ‘being cheated’ among individuals and groups under their authority. It’s also important that when groups of people with varying interests decide to come together and work towards a common goal, the terms of such cooperation or co-existence must be spelt out from the world go. While some may hold grievances however perfect an arrangement is, it helps in the long run when people have a very clear understanding and reach a comfortable agreement on any arrangement that hold them together. I’m being a generalist here but my sentiments here can be applied to many situations. The point is, the feeling that we were cheated by the other side is a very potent force and we should be very careful about how we ascribe blame when things don’t go as planned.

The feeling of being cheated is much stronger amongst persons who have developed bonds of trust and love. Those who've grown to love and trust each other such as intimate friends, married couples, family members, childhood friends, classmates, and others like these can find themselves emotionally overwhelmed and painfully betrayed when they have cause to think or believe that an individual whom they trust and love have cheated them. While we may easily overlook the wrong deeds of strangers, it’s not the same when it comes to persons who are close to us. That is why it’s important that we grasps the terms of our relationships with even close friends. Early on in a relationship, we should grasp what the relationship entails and what we seek to achieve in that relationship. What do we expect from those we've formed a relationship with? What behaviour can we put up with? Does the other person appreciate our concerns and does he/he share my expectations, hopes and dreams? In essence, what are the terms of this relationship? If we get a hold of what we want and we expect in a particular relationship, we would be less disappointed and less frustrated if things don’t go well. This works in two-ways: what does the other person expect from me and what do I expect from the other person? It’s not fair to expect from others far more than what we are prepared to give to them. Agreed, sometimes we may not know what to expect from a relationship; things can be understandingly unpredictable. That said, just like every other venture in life, we should anticipate that life is full of risks, and we should set out our goals, aims and objectives from the get go. More importantly, we should always have insurance to cover those expected and unexpected risks. When we insure our business, we get an insurance policy, but when we insure our relationship, we depend on the God whom we worship and we acquire knowledge of the world and its people and we use that knowledge to seek understanding, thoughtfulness, wisdom, discernment and flexibility in our dealings with others. We use these virtues as our shock absorber, even when we drive into an unexpected bump on the road, we are not thrown off course and we don’t feel too much pain. Remember, any human being, no matter how noble he looks, can disappoint us. To err is human they say. ‘He/she cheated on me,’ as hard as it may be, should not be the end of the world. Also, we should be careful not to needlessly make others feel cheated. We should be cautious of a man/woman who feels cheated. Once again, never underestimate the resolve of a man/woman who feels cheated. Whenever possible, ensure that misconceptions and wrong information are clarified in a timely fashion.

We know we can’t get away from every misconstrued wrong. We know we can’t avoid every trouble. We know we can’t always tell what other people want or what goes on in their head. We know that the world is anything but perfect. We know that sometimes, many take things the wrong way and every time, some of us take things the hard way. We know that we can’t always expect people to live up to our expectations just as much as we ourselves, imperfect earthly creatures, can’t always leave up to the expectations of others. We know we can’t be too smart and thus read every outcome; not knowing what tomorrow holds is not always a bad thing. In fact, not knowing what tomorrow will bring can make our lives exciting. At the end of the day though, recognizing and appreciating human emotions and understanding why people do what they do, brings us a little step closer to making sense of our world and living a more rewarding life.

Jokes in Pidgin English (35) – Why e be say?

Why e be say when you watch Indolmie advert, you go see the cooked Indolmie with fried chicken and boiled eggs in the same plate as if the chicken and the egg come with the Indolmie pack? Wetin dem dey try tell us: you can’t eat Indolmie without? I thot that the purpose of Indolmie is to make sharp sharp meals in minutes. The time you go spend take fry that chicken and boil that egg, you nor go cu coma cook rice or boil spaghetti/macaroni?

Why e be say some of our ladies like too much forming/yanga/dege posing? E get one time when one guy waka jam one lady dey soak garri (drink soaked garri) one early morning (early morn morn). Nor do nor do, instead of the guy to maintain, he ask the lady, ‘Why are you drinking garri this early?’ The lady, instead of her to admit say ground nor level/things hard, she say, ‘I’m watching my weight.’ Uhmm… Watching weight with garri before 7am! Uhmmm… Wetin do Golden Morn and Quaker oats? What about going without or exercising on an empty stomach?

Why be say when patients dey for queue dey wait for their turn to see doctor, them go they complain, ‘This doctor too dey slow,’ but when e reach their turn and dem enter the office  to see doctor, dem nor care whether the doctor dey slow, them go talk from now to Jericho? In fact, if the doctor check them sharp sharp, dem go still complain, ‘that doctor too dey fast; e nor even listen to all my complaints before e begin write.’ Well, as people talk, ‘na another man fit craze.’

Jokes in Queen’s English - Mister Lecturer!

One lecturer set exams for his students. He chose the questions but he was not the one who moderated the exam. Towards the end of the exam, he stood close to the exit doors of the exam hall to watch the reactions of the students as they file out of the hall. When the students came out, he noticed that many of them wore a sad face and some were complaining openly about the exam. The lecturer started smiling and laughing, ‘ I've killed them all. I've killed them all.' He was so happy that the students found his questions difficult. That was how he got his high: seeing students crying or complaining about his questions.

Some of the students saw him laughing at them. So, much later, those students arranged for some cult boys to scare the lecturer. The lecturer was driving home when he was waylaid by those boys. As they were approaching the car with clubs and sticks, the lecturer jumped out of his car and started running because he could not reverse quickly enough. As he was running, the boys started laughing, ‘ I've killed them all. I've killed them all. Mister lecturer, we are still alive… I've killed all…’

Reflections (4) - Be Smart!

You don't need an education to be smart. The mere fact that you're educated doesn't mean you're smart. Some of the smartest people on earth do not have a formal education; rather they are people with a keen sense of observation. In my little working experience, I've met men and women with little or no formal education, yet very smart. Hence, i get angry when some use their lack of education or exposure to act dumb. One mother brought her critically ill-child to the hospital. Instead of raising the attention of the health workers to the seriousness of her child's condition, she sat down quietly in the waiting queue with the baby covered with a cloth. Before it got to her turn, the baby died in her arms. It was when the health worker on duty was examining the child that she got to know her child was dead. Sad! That's not shyness. She was plain dumb because while she was on the queue with her very sick child, other mothers were drawing attention of the hospital staffs to their children who were not worse of. A smart mother would have been observant and she would have acted to save her baby.

One night i was on call (duty), one very young mother brought her sick child to the hospital. She was not educated, but she was one of the smartest women I've ever met. She came alone with her baby. The husband was not at home, but when she saw the condition of her child, she did not wait. She got some money and brought the child to the hospital. No friend or relative accompanied her, yet in the dead of night she brought her child to the hospital. When i saw this young mother, she showed maturity beyond her years! I was so touched that after admitting the child, instead of just leaving instructions with the night nurse, i stayed with the child for several hours making sure nothing went wrong. Few days later, the child got better and was discharged home. This happened long ago but i remember it so vividly as though it happened yesterday. Nurture a keen sense of observation of your environment and be smart with what you learn. It could be a life-saver.