‘I was cheated’; ‘He duped me’ – Words that invoke strong Emotions!

Maybe you've heard or seen an experience like these: ‘Man stabbed to death over 10 Naira change,’ ‘Men fought over a meal at a wedding reception’, and others like these. When we hear or read about stories like the ones above, we often wonder why people would go to great length to fight and struggle over seemingly trivial matters. The truth is: these men or women did not engage in that behaviour because of the money or the item in question. After all, 10 Naira (0.06 US Dollars) or a meal won’t make much difference in their lives. Rather, they engaged in this act because of the underlining emotion encapsulated in these words: ‘I was cheated.’ That feeling that another man outsmarted us and the urge to avenge that wrong is a very powerful motivation and emotion. We must never underestimate what a man can do if he feels cheated. Yes, don’t overlook the resolve of a man who thinks he’s been defrauded. Some who are aware of the power of such feelings have manipulated others to do their bidding by using those lines: ‘ They've cheated us. They need to pay.’

We should be wary of these sentiments and do our very best to avoid circumstances that could be misconstrued as cheating. How so? For example, if you are reaching an agreement or a contract with another individual or group for the purpose of providing or receiving a service or item(s), the terms and specifics of that contract/agreement must be clear and unequivocal to all the interested parties. It does not matter whether the service is as trivial as boarding a commercial transportation medium (cars, buses, bikes) or as serious as the acquisition of landed properties like lands or buildings. A man hailed a commercial motor cyclist. He wants to travel a few kilometers. He reasoned that the transport fare would be a very small amount, so he joined the cyclist without agreeing on a price. When they got to his destination, he gave the cyclist money. The cyclist said the money was not enough and requested for 10 Naira (0.06 US Dollars) more. The passenger disagreed. An argument ensued. The cyclist felt he was being cheated. The passenger felt the same. Before long, tempers flew, and the passenger was stabbed as a result. Why did this happen over 10 Naira, a mere 10 Naira one would ask? It’s not the amount of money involved; rather it was the underlining emotion: ‘ I've been cheated; he has to pay.’ These unfortunate events happen now and then. It could be avoided. If both parties, the cyclist and the passenger, had agreed on a price before departure, the sad outcome could have been avoided. In these tough economic times, it’s very easy for people to feel cheated or duped and more persons may find it hard to overlook a perceived wrong. We can’t avoid every misgiving, but we can sure do our best to avoid unnecessary confrontations. Please, before you get on a commercial bike or bus or train or whatever means of public transport, find out and agree on a price before boarding or departure. Be comfortable with your agreement before you leave. Same goes for other services however trivial like getting a hair-cut or hair-do; buying or selling perishable or damageable items.

Many are wary of dealings that involve money and that is understandable. Money has the potential of making people behave unpredictably. This is of utmost importance when it comes to borrowing or lending of money. Yes, when it comes to issues of loans, be it involving individuals or groups, it always has the potential for doubts, mistrust and feelings of disappointments and betrayal. Hence, it’s very important that we go into these arrangements with all the possible outcomes in mind. There must be a clear understanding of what it entails and the details of payments must be made and agreed to in advance. Ideally, there should be witnesses and if necessary a signed agreement made. One must understand that not everybody likes paying back what they owe and not everyone obey the terms of such arrangements. Not everyone is honest when it comes to financial dealings. Nevertheless, it’s easier to minimize the potential for trouble if everything was spelt out from the onset. As much as possible, we want to avoid making others feel that we are cheating them. The blow-back of such emotions can have serious consequences.

There are groups of people who may feel cheated and thus feel the need to avenge that wrong. Such groups may be bound by language, tribe, geography, beliefs and the likes. Understanding this phenomenon is important to appreciating the root causes of ethnic or racial or religious discords and such understanding can go a long way to avoiding needless violence and destruction of lives and properties. It’s incumbent on our leaders and those who hold public office to discern the emotions and consequences of a group of people who feels cheated and marginalized. Sometimes, these feelings arise from ignorance, misinformation, unfounded rumours and speculations. While good education alone may not assuage the concerns of those who feel hurt or cheated, in some cases, it even worsens those concerns, but on the long run, a more educated and literate society can easily avail themselves of more accurate information and thus less likely to be mislead by individuals who seek to exploit the simple-mindedness of a largely uneducated and illiterate populace. Those in positions of authority must be quick to correct misconceptions and misleading information that could provoke the feelings of ‘being cheated’ among individuals and groups under their authority. It’s also important that when groups of people with varying interests decide to come together and work towards a common goal, the terms of such cooperation or co-existence must be spelt out from the world go. While some may hold grievances however perfect an arrangement is, it helps in the long run when people have a very clear understanding and reach a comfortable agreement on any arrangement that hold them together. I’m being a generalist here but my sentiments here can be applied to many situations. The point is, the feeling that we were cheated by the other side is a very potent force and we should be very careful about how we ascribe blame when things don’t go as planned.

The feeling of being cheated is much stronger amongst persons who have developed bonds of trust and love. Those who've grown to love and trust each other such as intimate friends, married couples, family members, childhood friends, classmates, and others like these can find themselves emotionally overwhelmed and painfully betrayed when they have cause to think or believe that an individual whom they trust and love have cheated them. While we may easily overlook the wrong deeds of strangers, it’s not the same when it comes to persons who are close to us. That is why it’s important that we grasps the terms of our relationships with even close friends. Early on in a relationship, we should grasp what the relationship entails and what we seek to achieve in that relationship. What do we expect from those we've formed a relationship with? What behaviour can we put up with? Does the other person appreciate our concerns and does he/he share my expectations, hopes and dreams? In essence, what are the terms of this relationship? If we get a hold of what we want and we expect in a particular relationship, we would be less disappointed and less frustrated if things don’t go well. This works in two-ways: what does the other person expect from me and what do I expect from the other person? It’s not fair to expect from others far more than what we are prepared to give to them. Agreed, sometimes we may not know what to expect from a relationship; things can be understandingly unpredictable. That said, just like every other venture in life, we should anticipate that life is full of risks, and we should set out our goals, aims and objectives from the get go. More importantly, we should always have insurance to cover those expected and unexpected risks. When we insure our business, we get an insurance policy, but when we insure our relationship, we depend on the God whom we worship and we acquire knowledge of the world and its people and we use that knowledge to seek understanding, thoughtfulness, wisdom, discernment and flexibility in our dealings with others. We use these virtues as our shock absorber, even when we drive into an unexpected bump on the road, we are not thrown off course and we don’t feel too much pain. Remember, any human being, no matter how noble he looks, can disappoint us. To err is human they say. ‘He/she cheated on me,’ as hard as it may be, should not be the end of the world. Also, we should be careful not to needlessly make others feel cheated. We should be cautious of a man/woman who feels cheated. Once again, never underestimate the resolve of a man/woman who feels cheated. Whenever possible, ensure that misconceptions and wrong information are clarified in a timely fashion.

We know we can’t get away from every misconstrued wrong. We know we can’t avoid every trouble. We know we can’t always tell what other people want or what goes on in their head. We know that the world is anything but perfect. We know that sometimes, many take things the wrong way and every time, some of us take things the hard way. We know that we can’t always expect people to live up to our expectations just as much as we ourselves, imperfect earthly creatures, can’t always leave up to the expectations of others. We know we can’t be too smart and thus read every outcome; not knowing what tomorrow holds is not always a bad thing. In fact, not knowing what tomorrow will bring can make our lives exciting. At the end of the day though, recognizing and appreciating human emotions and understanding why people do what they do, brings us a little step closer to making sense of our world and living a more rewarding life.