Jokes in Pidgin English (37) - Problem dey o!

If you see big man with fine well-starched and ironed clothes sit down for bus attachment; hmmm, that nor be manage o. Na problem be that.

If you go buy akara and moi-moi, the woman wen dey sell akara, come give you complementary card, hmmm, you self reason: problem dey o.

If you be undergraduate for school, money nor dey. You come go visit your relative for house. Your relative tell you say things hard o, make you go bush go cut broomstick wen you go sell take get money go school. That one nor be hardship. Na suffer. Problem dey o!

You wen be man, you come fat so tail, in the dark, people dey mistake you for woman. That nor be enjoyment o. Na problem be that. Fat guy dey waka for night, he come dey hear, ‘si si si.’ The guy vex: ‘Who you dey call like dat? You think say I be babe? You dey craze for head.’

If you see a grown-up man dey jug long distance for hot afternoon sun, that nor be exercise o, na problem be that. Maybe the brain don enter reverse.

If you see woman wen dey talk to herself in broad day light, she nor carry phone, she nor wear Bluetooth for ear; nor be talking practice she dey, na problem be that.

If you see a young man and woman leave their house, leave their church building, come go one uncompleted building in the night to do praise and worship; hmmm, that nor be choir practice or fellowship o, na problem be that. In some months time, you go hear testimony abi na true confession, I nor know o. That na probability o.

Reflections (5) – Short Notes!

Misguided Confidence!

You hail a bike or a cab, you tell the driver your destination, and he agrees to take you there. But, alas! He has no clue where you are going. He believes you'll direct him as he drives along or he will gain uncanny inspiration as he drives along. God help you if you share the same ignorance. You know after a learner, one driving under the influence of drugs or alcohol, and one who is drowsy on the wheels, the next worst driver is one who does not know where he is going. He is a confused man. He lacks confidence. He drives hesitantly. His nightmare is a four-road junction because he knows not where to turn. If you're his passenger, you'll endure a merry-go-round. You may wonder: why did he not admit his ignorance initially and save everyone including himself such embarrassment and stress. Well, the bike man or cab driver is not alone in displaying misguided overconfidence. Some health workers, bankers, lawyers and other professionals share the same proclivity. It's an act of professional dignity and courteous etiquette to humbly admit to our limitations before irreparable damages occur. I will take an honest man to a grandstanding, self-indulging professional any day. Stay safe!

A man of Understanding!

There are times when understanding surpasses love. When you make a mistake, a friend who loves you can gloss over it, the man who understands you can accommodate it. Your love for someone can make you angry when that person errs but your deep understanding of why the person erred can calm you down. There are times I would rather camp my tent with the man who understands me rather than he who loves me. Understanding is application of knowledge. Getting to know your friends and then understanding their course of action is important. You might hate me when you just know me but you will love me if you understand me!

Don’t be deceived!

The best of advisers, counselors, ministers do not necessarily make the best of husbands, wives or friends. Otherwise, one would expect a psychologist or an inspirational speaker to have the best family. But that's not always the case. Some are gifted in reading other people and helping to solve the problems of others but they fail miserably in getting a read on their own lives and in handling their own affairs. They are only so good as to make the best show to the world while they may be hurting on the inside. It's not necessarily their fault. The fact is mortal man is imperfect; and in an imperfect world, you can't have it all. No man has it all. So if you see a man or woman gives or writes a great speech/article, enjoy it because that may be all he's got. Frankly, he/she maybe is overcompensating for other failings in life. This is not always the case. While no one has it all, some certainly have it more. In any case, don't get fooled or carried away just by the 'bling.’

Moments of Grief!

Moments like these, you can't help but remember loved ones lost in death. Dear ones who went away too soon. The sheer emotions we feel and express finds resonance in the common humanity we all share. While different tribes speak different languages and differ on the depth and manner of the grieving process, we are all united in grief. No heart of stone in grief. One cold blooded serial killer admitted grieving over one of his victims. Grief knows no bounds or boundaries. True grief occurs, not in the view of loved ones or members of the public, but in the quiet tears shed at those private moments when the world is so lonely.

Moments of Exquisite Joy!

Have u seen something that made you so joyful that you shed so much tears of joy? Something that held your entire being captive to an amazing delight! Something that made you realize how wonderful and beautiful this life could be! Something that made you lost in thoughts of the sheer capacity of the human spirit to persevere, persist, and prevail in spite of all the odds, proving beyond all doubts that there is value in living this life! There are times we have this experience and we can't hold back the tears of joy. May we live to see this and may we be highly inspired much more than words could ever express!

Jokes in Queen’s English – The Police are your friends!

We often hear these words: The police are your friends. It’s often taken as a slogan to boost the image of the police; it’s not taken literally. One man took it as a real message. One day, while driving on a cozy evening, he got to a police check-point. The police man asked him to drop ‘something’ (a bribe). The man said, ‘My friend, my friend! I don’t have something today. My friend, please, some other time.’ Before you hear Jack, the police man gave him a very unfriendly slap, ‘Who is your friend? Park well, my friend!’ After much insult on injury, the man was let go. When he got home, he lamented, ‘If friends can do this to me, who needs enemies?’ 

Jokes in Queen’s English – When I was a child!

Like every other adult, I was once a child. Sometimes, when I think back to the things I did and the things I was told and made to believe as a child, I can’t help but laugh hard. Here are some examples:

As a child, some of the adults around me sometimes hoard the juicy part of the meals: the meat, fish and the like. They would say, ‘Your time dey come (you will get your turn when you grow up).’ Some even said that giving a child the best parts of the meal encourage stealing. Now, I understand why I’m a briefly summarized full stop. I stopped growing before my time because the adults who had stopped growing then would not allow the young to grow.

As a child I was told that Experience is the best Teacher. Then, I wondered, ‘If that is true, why is Mr. Experience not teaching us at school? Which school is Mr. Experience?’

As a child I was told that the child of a neighbour died while playing a game of football. I got scared. Now, I know why I’m not an Okocha or Messi. Instead, I sit in front of a TV to watch them.

As a child I was told by a friend in school that sometimes their TV set at home won’t start-up until they put it in a wheelbarrow and use it to run around the street first. I thought it was a true story. Not until I told a group of friends the story and they just looked at me amusingly that I realized that that was a factitious Super-Story. It was dumb.

As a child I was so scared of taking drugs; I run far away from home to avoid taking medications. Now, I know better, right? ... right?

When I was growing up, I was used to eating Eba, Semo, Pounded Yam and Starch with my bare hands. Much later, I realized that some people ate them with the aid of a spoon or folk. I was shocked. How can you mold it into a swallow-able lump with those utensils? ‘The thing will not pass (can’t be swallowed)’. Well, one day, a friend of mine in school encouraged me to just give it a try. I obliged. When I took my first round of Eba with a folk, my eyes opened and I saw the light and since that time, many years running, I eat ‘every’ with utensils, home and away, at ‘Mama Put’ and Royal Tropicana, from ‘Eat more, Pay less’ to ‘I was there.’ O boy, all join/correct.

O, when I was a child…

Jokes in Pidgin English (36) – ‘You nor know English!’

We know say wetin oyinbo dey call ‘mannerism’ dey. Some people dey like talk and act in a particular fashion. That said, if you hear some people dey use certain words all the time, that nor be mannerism. That one mean say the person nor know English; him ma nor sabi grammar. If you hear person dey use words like, ‘probability; under probability; in fact; in short’ all the time, make you know say that person nor sabi English. You know why?

I get one friend wen dey like to use ‘under probability/na probability’ in every discussion.

Me: How body? You dey go work?

Friend: Body dey cloth. I nor know how body dey do me. To go work today na under probability o.

Me: How far? You fit help me buy some items for market when you close back from work?

Friend: Well, today na busy day for work o. I go don tire when I close o. To help you na probability o.

One day, my friend ask me for money. I answered: ‘Technically, it’s highly improbable under current mathematical and economic variables and probabilities for me to render your request.’ My friend replied: ‘If you nor get money talk, nor dey blow grammar. Na quarrel?’

Well, na lack of vocabulary dey cause am. If not, words like ‘probably’, ‘maybe’, ‘likely’, etc can be used instead of ‘under probability/na probability’. Maybe, that na the one grammar when my friend cram for school. Those days for secondary school, he get people wen dey cram big words, ‘perambulate, procrastinate, tautology etc’ and them dey use am every time whether the thing rhyme or correct, dem nor care. E.g. ‘Why are you perambulating and procrastinating in the corridor? What a tautology!’

E get other words wen people like to use. Words like: ‘in fact’, ‘in short’ and others. Imagine three friends meet. One like to use ‘under probability/na probability’; another one dey use ‘in fact’; the last one dey use ‘in short.’ So one dey, dem sit down outside. Them come see one fine car pass. This discussion ensued:

Friend 1: In fact, that na Toyota Camry.

Friend 2: Na lie. In short, that na Honda Accord.

As the argument dey go on, them come ask Friend 3 for input.

Friend 3: Hmm… In fact, if you look the car from the front, na Camry. In short, if you look the car from back, na Accord. But if you look the car from the side, I don’t know… That na probability o.

‘I was cheated’; ‘He duped me’ – Words that invoke strong Emotions!

Maybe you've heard or seen an experience like these: ‘Man stabbed to death over 10 Naira change,’ ‘Men fought over a meal at a wedding reception’, and others like these. When we hear or read about stories like the ones above, we often wonder why people would go to great length to fight and struggle over seemingly trivial matters. The truth is: these men or women did not engage in that behaviour because of the money or the item in question. After all, 10 Naira (0.06 US Dollars) or a meal won’t make much difference in their lives. Rather, they engaged in this act because of the underlining emotion encapsulated in these words: ‘I was cheated.’ That feeling that another man outsmarted us and the urge to avenge that wrong is a very powerful motivation and emotion. We must never underestimate what a man can do if he feels cheated. Yes, don’t overlook the resolve of a man who thinks he’s been defrauded. Some who are aware of the power of such feelings have manipulated others to do their bidding by using those lines: ‘ They've cheated us. They need to pay.’

We should be wary of these sentiments and do our very best to avoid circumstances that could be misconstrued as cheating. How so? For example, if you are reaching an agreement or a contract with another individual or group for the purpose of providing or receiving a service or item(s), the terms and specifics of that contract/agreement must be clear and unequivocal to all the interested parties. It does not matter whether the service is as trivial as boarding a commercial transportation medium (cars, buses, bikes) or as serious as the acquisition of landed properties like lands or buildings. A man hailed a commercial motor cyclist. He wants to travel a few kilometers. He reasoned that the transport fare would be a very small amount, so he joined the cyclist without agreeing on a price. When they got to his destination, he gave the cyclist money. The cyclist said the money was not enough and requested for 10 Naira (0.06 US Dollars) more. The passenger disagreed. An argument ensued. The cyclist felt he was being cheated. The passenger felt the same. Before long, tempers flew, and the passenger was stabbed as a result. Why did this happen over 10 Naira, a mere 10 Naira one would ask? It’s not the amount of money involved; rather it was the underlining emotion: ‘ I've been cheated; he has to pay.’ These unfortunate events happen now and then. It could be avoided. If both parties, the cyclist and the passenger, had agreed on a price before departure, the sad outcome could have been avoided. In these tough economic times, it’s very easy for people to feel cheated or duped and more persons may find it hard to overlook a perceived wrong. We can’t avoid every misgiving, but we can sure do our best to avoid unnecessary confrontations. Please, before you get on a commercial bike or bus or train or whatever means of public transport, find out and agree on a price before boarding or departure. Be comfortable with your agreement before you leave. Same goes for other services however trivial like getting a hair-cut or hair-do; buying or selling perishable or damageable items.

Many are wary of dealings that involve money and that is understandable. Money has the potential of making people behave unpredictably. This is of utmost importance when it comes to borrowing or lending of money. Yes, when it comes to issues of loans, be it involving individuals or groups, it always has the potential for doubts, mistrust and feelings of disappointments and betrayal. Hence, it’s very important that we go into these arrangements with all the possible outcomes in mind. There must be a clear understanding of what it entails and the details of payments must be made and agreed to in advance. Ideally, there should be witnesses and if necessary a signed agreement made. One must understand that not everybody likes paying back what they owe and not everyone obey the terms of such arrangements. Not everyone is honest when it comes to financial dealings. Nevertheless, it’s easier to minimize the potential for trouble if everything was spelt out from the onset. As much as possible, we want to avoid making others feel that we are cheating them. The blow-back of such emotions can have serious consequences.

There are groups of people who may feel cheated and thus feel the need to avenge that wrong. Such groups may be bound by language, tribe, geography, beliefs and the likes. Understanding this phenomenon is important to appreciating the root causes of ethnic or racial or religious discords and such understanding can go a long way to avoiding needless violence and destruction of lives and properties. It’s incumbent on our leaders and those who hold public office to discern the emotions and consequences of a group of people who feels cheated and marginalized. Sometimes, these feelings arise from ignorance, misinformation, unfounded rumours and speculations. While good education alone may not assuage the concerns of those who feel hurt or cheated, in some cases, it even worsens those concerns, but on the long run, a more educated and literate society can easily avail themselves of more accurate information and thus less likely to be mislead by individuals who seek to exploit the simple-mindedness of a largely uneducated and illiterate populace. Those in positions of authority must be quick to correct misconceptions and misleading information that could provoke the feelings of ‘being cheated’ among individuals and groups under their authority. It’s also important that when groups of people with varying interests decide to come together and work towards a common goal, the terms of such cooperation or co-existence must be spelt out from the world go. While some may hold grievances however perfect an arrangement is, it helps in the long run when people have a very clear understanding and reach a comfortable agreement on any arrangement that hold them together. I’m being a generalist here but my sentiments here can be applied to many situations. The point is, the feeling that we were cheated by the other side is a very potent force and we should be very careful about how we ascribe blame when things don’t go as planned.

The feeling of being cheated is much stronger amongst persons who have developed bonds of trust and love. Those who've grown to love and trust each other such as intimate friends, married couples, family members, childhood friends, classmates, and others like these can find themselves emotionally overwhelmed and painfully betrayed when they have cause to think or believe that an individual whom they trust and love have cheated them. While we may easily overlook the wrong deeds of strangers, it’s not the same when it comes to persons who are close to us. That is why it’s important that we grasps the terms of our relationships with even close friends. Early on in a relationship, we should grasp what the relationship entails and what we seek to achieve in that relationship. What do we expect from those we've formed a relationship with? What behaviour can we put up with? Does the other person appreciate our concerns and does he/he share my expectations, hopes and dreams? In essence, what are the terms of this relationship? If we get a hold of what we want and we expect in a particular relationship, we would be less disappointed and less frustrated if things don’t go well. This works in two-ways: what does the other person expect from me and what do I expect from the other person? It’s not fair to expect from others far more than what we are prepared to give to them. Agreed, sometimes we may not know what to expect from a relationship; things can be understandingly unpredictable. That said, just like every other venture in life, we should anticipate that life is full of risks, and we should set out our goals, aims and objectives from the get go. More importantly, we should always have insurance to cover those expected and unexpected risks. When we insure our business, we get an insurance policy, but when we insure our relationship, we depend on the God whom we worship and we acquire knowledge of the world and its people and we use that knowledge to seek understanding, thoughtfulness, wisdom, discernment and flexibility in our dealings with others. We use these virtues as our shock absorber, even when we drive into an unexpected bump on the road, we are not thrown off course and we don’t feel too much pain. Remember, any human being, no matter how noble he looks, can disappoint us. To err is human they say. ‘He/she cheated on me,’ as hard as it may be, should not be the end of the world. Also, we should be careful not to needlessly make others feel cheated. We should be cautious of a man/woman who feels cheated. Once again, never underestimate the resolve of a man/woman who feels cheated. Whenever possible, ensure that misconceptions and wrong information are clarified in a timely fashion.

We know we can’t get away from every misconstrued wrong. We know we can’t avoid every trouble. We know we can’t always tell what other people want or what goes on in their head. We know that the world is anything but perfect. We know that sometimes, many take things the wrong way and every time, some of us take things the hard way. We know that we can’t always expect people to live up to our expectations just as much as we ourselves, imperfect earthly creatures, can’t always leave up to the expectations of others. We know we can’t be too smart and thus read every outcome; not knowing what tomorrow holds is not always a bad thing. In fact, not knowing what tomorrow will bring can make our lives exciting. At the end of the day though, recognizing and appreciating human emotions and understanding why people do what they do, brings us a little step closer to making sense of our world and living a more rewarding life.

Jokes in Pidgin English (35) – Why e be say?

Why e be say when you watch Indolmie advert, you go see the cooked Indolmie with fried chicken and boiled eggs in the same plate as if the chicken and the egg come with the Indolmie pack? Wetin dem dey try tell us: you can’t eat Indolmie without? I thot that the purpose of Indolmie is to make sharp sharp meals in minutes. The time you go spend take fry that chicken and boil that egg, you nor go cu coma cook rice or boil spaghetti/macaroni?

Why e be say some of our ladies like too much forming/yanga/dege posing? E get one time when one guy waka jam one lady dey soak garri (drink soaked garri) one early morning (early morn morn). Nor do nor do, instead of the guy to maintain, he ask the lady, ‘Why are you drinking garri this early?’ The lady, instead of her to admit say ground nor level/things hard, she say, ‘I’m watching my weight.’ Uhmm… Watching weight with garri before 7am! Uhmmm… Wetin do Golden Morn and Quaker oats? What about going without or exercising on an empty stomach?

Why be say when patients dey for queue dey wait for their turn to see doctor, them go they complain, ‘This doctor too dey slow,’ but when e reach their turn and dem enter the office  to see doctor, dem nor care whether the doctor dey slow, them go talk from now to Jericho? In fact, if the doctor check them sharp sharp, dem go still complain, ‘that doctor too dey fast; e nor even listen to all my complaints before e begin write.’ Well, as people talk, ‘na another man fit craze.’