Jokes in Pidgin English (7) - ‘Na my brother!’

When you dey inside hospital, you go see many funny things. I was in the clinic one day, one staff bring one patient and wanted us to see the patient immediately, saying: ‘Na my brother! Na my brother! Abeg, attend to am.’ After attending to the patient, the patient was admitted to the ward. Patient was in the ward for hours, but he could not buy the drugs he needed. Why? No money. No moni. After I was told that the patient has not bought his drugs, I ran into ‘na my brother’ staff.

Me: ‘How far? You brother dey ward for long and he never buy em drugs. Wetin dey happen?’

His reply: ‘Actually, actually, he’s not my brother. We are from the same area. I just decided to help him see the doctor.’

Me: ‘Na my brother don turn to actually abi? Look, helping him to see the doctor is no help. He could have seen the doctor without your help. Now, he needs drugs. He actually needs your help now.’

Staff: ‘Likita, I dey come. I dey come.’

That was the last time we saw ‘na my brother’ cum ‘actually no be my brother’ staff. ‘Na my brother.’ ‘Na my brother.’ Na who be my brother? ‘Na my brother’ is been overused and abused. ‘A friend in need is a friend indeed’ as the saying goes. In the same light, ‘na my brother in need, na my brother true true, oh. Abi? I rest my case.

A word a day … (09-01-13)!

There was a time in my life when I almost gave up on a good fight, a career achievement. Then I sat down and I reasoned within:

‘What story will I tell my children? That I struggled and gave up? Or that I struggled, persisted, endured, defied the odds, shook off the doubts and came out successful? What will I tell my children?'

That helped me a lot. It might help you too.

A Joke a day keeps the doctor away! (09-01-13)

One beautiful lady went to a fast-food joint to buy a take-away food pack. On her way out, she was approached by a young man.

 

'Hi, beauty! Where are you heading?'

Lady: 'I'm not interested!'

The guy smiled and said, 'Do you care for a ride?'

Lady: 'Which part of I'm not interested, don't you understand?'

Guy: 'Just the part where I drop you off with my new baby,’ pointing to a brand new SUV parked nearby.

She blushed & said, 'oh ooo … I thought you were one of these boys from around here. You know this area is not safe. I learnt that they kidnap people for rituals,’ while entering the SUV. (Yeah, ritualists don't drive SUVs, right?)

Jokes in Pidgin English (6) - ‘Who be husband, who be in-law?'

My people. E get one guy, d guy is short, I mean briefly summarized and abridged. Na so my guy see one girl wen e like. E talk to d girl, d girl agree. So, d guy say make him go see d girl parents. D guy come dey fear say d girl parents nor go like am. D girl tell am say nor worry, ‘my parents re very understanding.’ D mistake wen d guy make, e come go take one of em tall friends say make him escort am go d girl parents place. As dem reach d girl parents house. D girl and d tall guy first come down. My guy wen propose come come down, go d boot of d car go carry d girl load. Em tell d girl and d friend say make dem go inside, him dey come. As my guy dey carry d girl load dey come, wen d girl mother see d short man wen dey carry load dey come, she nor know say dat na d prospective in-law, she don conclude say na d tall friend be d man wen wan marry her daughter. Dis woman come tell d guy wit load, thinking dat he’s a cab driver, ‘eh… u can leave d load there and go back, some1 will come and carry it.’ My guy confuse. E nor know d mouth wen he go take tell d woman say na him be d main guy. Na d girl come rush tell d mother say dat man nor be driver, ‘na him I wan marry’…. O boyeee, as P-square sing am,‘d girl I wan carry, na d girl I wan marry….'

Jokes in Pidgin English (5) - Keeping Space!

Some people like to keep space. Dem nor dey like to wait for line or queue. “Please, I’m behind you.” “This is my space, I came before you.” Shuooo! Everywhere, dem go keep space.
For school, dem go keep sit for class.
For work place, dem go keep space.
For public bus, dem go keep sit.
In the bank, dem go keep space, ‘Please, I’m behind you.’ One day, I go bank. I dey queue, one guy come, ‘Are u d last on d line? Please, I’m behind you.’ Later, one lady come, ‘Are u d last person on d line?’ ‘No, someone is behind me.’ ‘ OK, please, I’m behind d person that is behind you.’ I keep quiet, I nor talk. I don dey vex inside. Na so one guy come, ‘Are you d last person on the line?’ ‘No, two persons are behind me.’ ‘ OK, I’m behind them. Please, I’m coming.’ Na so I provoke, ‘Hello, what do you take me for? Do I look like a security man? I came here to make bank transactions, not to keep spaces for people. I don’t care whether u are behind me or not.’ See me see wahala. Wen u small, na bad thing? Dem just wan use me do security man. I nor blame dem.
Even in d Hospital, patients dey keep space. When dem come back, na quarrel, ‘I came b4 u. I was standing like dis, doing like dis wen u came.’ Shuoo, why can’t people just stay in one place, for goodness sake!

D one wen dey pain me pass na relationships. Some people dey keep space for relationship. One guy see one fine girl wen em like. He come talk to d girl. D girl like d guy but she say, ‘There are two other guys who are interested in me.’ Dis guy say, ‘No problem, just keep me in mind, if things doesn’t work out with dem, I’m next in line.’ Shuoooo… Next in line. In other words, I’m behind d first two guys. How u call dat one, nor be space dis guy dey keep so? Cheeei. Me, I nor get time for 'smell smell', what’s mine is mine. I nor dey keep space. Time and life is too short to be spent in keep ‘spaces’.

For some, it’s a habit. They will never stay on the line. They also carry this attitude into other facets of their life. Granted, there are times when we can’t afford to stand or wait in a long queue, but it shouldn’t be all the time and at every instance. I’m just saying sha… What do I know?

Jokes in Pidgin English (4) – Asking coded questions!

E get people wen dey like to ask 4 thins indirectly. I wonder why. If u re in need of something, why not go straight to d point and ask for it. E.g. E get one guy wen dey look 4 money to borrow. So, dis guy see em colleague for em work place, instead of asking directly, d guy say: 'Na waoo. Thins hard o. I wish man pikin (3rd person narrative)
fit see person wen go borrow am 5K, e for better o.'
D colleague reply: 'Na wa o. These days, thins hard o. Man pikin just dey manage ooo.'
D question now is, 'na who be man pikin?' Wat is wrong wit, 'I'm broke. Pls, can u help me wit 5k? I'll pay u back.'

E get some people wen dem dey hungry and no money for hand, instead of asking directly, dem go say loudly to themselves to d hearing of others: 'Na waoo. D way my belle dey do me since morning, i nor understand o. (wetin u nor understand? U re hungry na.) Na where man pikin fit greeje (chop/eat) dis afternoon?' My people, is dis man asking for help? What is wrong with, 'Can u pay for my lunch; I’m hungry and I’m broke.'

Someone closed frm work. No transport money to go home. D guy dey talk to himself in d presence of others: 'oh ooo. How man fit reach house today? Pocket dry. I wish I go see free ride home.' Pls, has this man asked for help? What is wrong with, 'Can u give me a lift? Can u help me with transport?'

One man went out with d girlfriend. After eating in a very expensive restaurant, they passed by a boutique. D girl saw one nice dress on display. She said: 'OMG, look at that lovely dress. So beautiful, honey, do u think it will look fine on me?'
Man: Yes, I think so.
Lady: Honey, let me go inside and try it on to see if it's my size.
Man: No problem, when u re thru, meet me at home.
Lady: Honey, ain't u going to stay wit me while I try it on.
Man: Sorry, I can't. Looks like I have stomach upset from d food I ate. I need to be home ASAP.
My people, all these effizy and talk from d lady could have bn summarized in one simple statement: 'Honey, I love dat dress. Can I have it?' Shikena!

Jokes in Pidgin English (3) – Shortie!

Abeg nor be quarrel, na joke. U know say short people like us nor dey let other people hear word: bla bla bla bla... No end. Na joke ooo: e get one short man who sought to correct d vertical challenges in his future children. E come see 1 fine tall authen babe. D problem be say dis guy nor arrange (no money). Instead of d lady to say she nor go fit marry poor man, she say she nor fit marry short man. Dis guy name na Paul. Lady name na Cynthia. Nor do nor do, Paul go hustle, make enough money. One day as he dey cruise town wit em car, e come see Cynthia for road. He give Cynthia lift. When he drop Cynthia, as a gentleman, he come down, come open d passenger door so dat Cynthia go come down. Cynthia come dey trip. She look Paul, she say:
'Paul, Paul, u don dey tall ooo'
Paul reply:
'Cynthia, Cynthia, u don dey blind ooo.'