I Love Pidgin English Talk Talk (4)

Funny things wen man dey see!

E get one guy, we dey work for the same place. One day, I don late, I dey rush go work, the guy block me for road. E tell me say e get urgent problem, e need money ASAP. Because I don late for work, I nor get time to get the full gist, so i come give am the money sharp sharp. For the guy mind, i dey loaded. So another day, the guy come meet me for house one evening like that. I don come back from work dat day, I dey relax. So wen my guy show dis time, I nor dey hurry. The problem wen dis guy come bring na big problem. I come ask d guy, ‘Wetin happen?’ The guy come tell me one long story, how e take waka from Genesis enter Exodus, come meet one Isaiah, travel go Colossians. By d time my guy reach Revelation, one hour don pass. Uhmmm. I come look. I tell am say, ‘This your problem big pass me o, this your problem, the solution is not earthly but heavenly. Guy nor worry, I go put am for my prayer point. With God, nothing is impossible.’ Wen the guy see say no show today, the guy waka. I know say the guy go dey reason for em mind, ‘Why dis bros nor help me today? Maybe the story wen I talk too long. Maybe e nor dey like long long story.’ Nor be small thing.

Another day like dat, my guy show again. This time the guy don summarize d problem. He was brief and straight to the point like shorthand. Before one minute, the guy don yan em problem finish. O boyee. E be like say this guy don catch me today. I come look up, look down. I say, ‘Guy, this problem wen you tell me so, e dey remind me of wetin happen to me many years ago.’ Na so I come start my own tori. I take the guy pass Genesis, Hebrews, by the time we pass Revelation, I nor know. I come yan the guy different solutions to em problem. The guy dey wait make I land, I nor gree land. I dey talk talk talk oooo. So at one point piss come dey catch me (urge to pass urine), I come take break, tell d guy say, ‘to be continued, make I go piss (urinate)’. Before I piss come back, my guy don run… sheee… I never even talk d sweet part of my tori, my guy don waka. Na waooooo oh.

Jokes in Pidgin English (23) – Fake patient!

E get people wen dey pretend say dem dey sick, so that dem go get attention. Na women dey do am pass, especially married ones. E get one wife wen dey always pretend say she dey sick so that the husband go drop money. This man come get sister wen be nurse. So everytime the wife sick, e go carry her to the sister. Everytime, sick sick. The nurse come notice say her brother wife dey pretend. So, one day dem carry her come say she dey sick. The nurse come go look for those injection wen dey pain like the analgin of those days. When she give the woman this injection, she see stars. She well by force. After that day, she nor sick again. If this nurse wan find her trouble, she go say, 'In-law, how far na? See ur face. E be like say you nor well o.' This woman go say, 'Nooo, i well o. In short, since you give me that injection eh, I nor sick again. Sister, that injection strong shaa.'

A Joke a day keeps the doctor away! (24-01-13)

There is this story I heard in school. It’s a joke. I don’t know what inspired this story. Let me say my own version of the story. There are other versions. There was this guy who was having a tough time in school. He sent several messages home asking for help. Yet, he received nothing. Angered by the situation, he sent this letter home:

“Dear Father, life is so difficult in school. No foodstuff. No money to buy food or anything. I’m tired of school and I’m tired of life. Suicide attempted.”

This guy sent the letter home hoping that when his folks at home sees the letter, they will understand the gravity of the situation and then send him the money he needed.

 

After reading the letter, the father replied:
“Dear Son. I got your letter. Life is difficult here too. No food. No money for house-rent or for anything. I've lost my job and your mum just put to birth. Suicide allowed.”

Upon seeing the dad’s letter, he fainted.

 

P.S. On a personal note, let me add this: This is not an endorsement of suicide or suicide ideation (suicidal thoughts). This story is meant as a joke. Sometimes, the thought of suicide is a symptom of a deeper psychological problem that can be corrected with professional help. There are some popular tales of people who used suicide as a tool to pass on a message. Be assured that there are thousands of other suicide stories that are easily forgotten or unheard of. Many remain a mystery. You can choose life and still be a hero for whatever course you want to fight for. For those who are having tough times, ending things is not the way. It only creates more misery, horror and hardship for those left behind. No matter how hard your circumstances are, put faith in your Maker and remember the saying: It’s always darkest before dawn. Life, though imperfect, is worth living. Have a lovely time, folks.

Jokes in Pidgin English (22) – Strong Man!

Those days we dey hear say the best way to defend is to attack. My brother these days, according to one of my friends, the best way to defend is to run o. Nowadays the best defenders na those wen sabi run pass. Those days I dey see people wen say dem stubborn, dem go smoke 'igbor' (Indian hemp) come dey say, 'You know who I be? Nor try me o'. Nowadays e get some things wen you go see, you go loyal! If you like smoke all the 'igbor' wen dey this world, wen you see or hear about d Bigger Brosses, you must loyal na. E get one guy, wen e don smoke finish, e go dey intimidate everybody. Na so one day, the guy smoke finish, e come dey waka for road, dey curse anybody wen e see. Na so the guy come jam some guys wen dey throwaway things, 'kpo kpo kpo kpa kpa kpa gbooor gboor.' My brother, wetin dis guy see, the 'igbor' clear comot from em eyes sharp sharp. E ma come pick race dey run. People dey ask am, 'Strong man, why u dey run? Wetin happen?' The guy dey run, e nor stop. Wen e run reach one place, e don tire, so e come stop. People come ask am, 'Strong man, we think say u nor dey fear anything. Wetin make u dey run?' The guy dey try breathe, 'eh… eh… eh…' to recover from d race. Finally, e say, ' Abeg I nor be strong man o, people wen get the world dem dey road o'. My guy continue the race. E see wetin  pass am.

A word a day … (23-01-13)!

it's hard
it's so hard
it's very hard
it's too hard
it's pretty hard
it's damn hard
e hard ooo
e no easy ooo
there are times when the above sums up the journey of our lives. But, at the end of the day, we survive not because of but in spite of. To God be the glory!

A Joke a day keeps the doctor away! (23-01-13)

Mobile phone abuse!

I remember years ago in Nigeria. If you want to make a phone call, you have to travel some kilometers to the nearest NITEL office. You would then buy a card and wait on a queue before it gets to your turn. When you consider all the stress involved, you don’t make frivolous calls. You weigh what you want to say and you make the calls at the time best suited for the person you are calling. Nowadays, mobile phones and networks are everywhere. As a result, we see a lot of trivialities with phone calls.

There was this weekend, sometime ago. I wasn't on duty. So, I had the whole weekend to myself. I did not receive a single phone call. On Monday morning, I was back at work with so much to do. I was so much in a hurry to catch up with my work. Then my phone rang. “Hello, I just want to great you.”Amazing, right? You want to say, ‘Hi’ on a busy Monday morning when you had the whole weekend to do that. “Hi yourself, my friend!”

What is more annoying now is that mobile phone operators have copied this wrong attitude of some of their customers. You are expecting a bank credit alert for your salary, your messenger rings; when you check, ‘Good morning, call … to get more information on our services.’ What, did I ask you if I needed more services?

Most annoying is when you are expecting an important phone call, your phone rings. You pick it up only for you to hear an automated voice-recorded message: ‘Hello, dear customer, we are offering value added services. We have so and so and so…. Press 1 for … Press 2 for…’ Rubbish! Press off. It’s high time I press charges in court for these networks that violate my peace of mind.

I Love Pidgin English Talk Talk (3)

Funny thins – Na God Call Me!
This thin dey tire me. You go see people wen dey say na God call dem. Uhmmm! If you be Bank Manager God come call you, you come leave bank work come start your ministry, I go understand o. If u be Chairman of a multinational company, you dey fly with private jet, God come call you, you come leave that work turn to Pastor, I go understand o. Na real sacrifice be that! But the one wen I dey see dey tire man pikin o. You go see graduate wen don serve finish, two years no job, four years no job, on the fifth year, my guy open church for one uncompleted building dey say God call am, na waooo!
E get one man wen open school. School dey function well. After some years life happened and school come fold up. My guy come turn the school to church. E say na God call am. My brother na waooo!
Late Sunny Okosun wen sing sing secular music, wen e see say em music nor dey rain again, e come dey sing gospel music, dey say na God call, na waooo. Politician don dey learn dat thing. Many politicians dey say God call dem to rule, both those wen win and those wen nor win, I nor call person name o. But these people na waooo!
Wetin dey pain be say, must you say, ‘God called me’? Na every body God dey call. Even for Bible how many people God call directly, dem nor many ooo! If you wan do business, do business, if you wan open church, open church, if you wan sing or be politician do wetin dey your mind to do, if you succeed we thank God, if you nor succeed, you try again, must you say, ‘God called me’? Make we nor dey call God name bcos our mouth dey scratch us. Whether na God call dem, I nor know, me I nor dey there o.