Jokes in Queen’s English – Hospital settings – Part 2!

In one hospital, one doctor was seeing a hypertensive patient in the presence of some students. He asked the students: ‘What advice will you give to this patient to help reduce his blood pressure?’

One student replied: ‘I will advice him to stop thinking.’

Doctor: ‘What, in this country? You might as well tell him to stop breathing. As he is sitting here, he’s already thinking about how he would get his drugs and get transport home. Not to talk of getting food and other basic needs at home.’

 

These days some of our Labs, especially Ultrasound scanning centres have turned to Xerox centres. They have preformed results in their computer system. After the scanning, the appropriate format is issued for that patient. The danger is that results can be mixed, mistakes made and lazy attitudes are encouraged.

A patient went to do a scan at the directive of a low cadre health worker. When the result was brought, the health worker directed the patient to see a doctor with the result. The result read, among other things, ‘Spleen is normal.’ The patient complained, ‘Doctor, the scan says my spleen is normal, but my spleen was removed several years ago when I had splenectomy following a traumatic road accident.’

 

A woman delivered a set of twins. She was surprised. Her late scan showed she only had a single foetus in her womb. ‘Is is God’s blessings?’

Health worker attending to her: ‘It’s human error. The scan was wrong. Thank God you delivered in the hospital.’  

Jokes in Queen’s English – I’m broke!

There was this student in one university years back. There was a point in time he was sending several messages home, ‘I’m broke.’ Even when he receives some money from home, the messages kept coming soon after. The father was worried, ‘How come Junior is always asking for money these days?’ He decided to pay his son a surprise visit in school. When he got to the son’s accommodation, he met the son and the son's girlfriend slaughtering chicken. The father was surprised, ‘Son, I thought you said you are broke.’

Son: ‘Dad, you won’t understand. I’m really broke. I bought this on credit.’

Father: ‘Understand what? At home, we've not had a meal with chicken for a long time. So, this is how you spend your money. Make sure this chicken serves you for a long time. You won’t be receiving any money from me any soon.’

Son: ‘I will stop going to school, then.’

Father: ‘That’s even better. At least, then, we will be sharing the same meals. Enjoy this while it last.’

Learning to say it right!

Once upon a time, a good friend of mine taught me the niceties of ‘saying it right.’ In our every day conversations and in formal interactions, we use a lot of idioms and idiomatic expressions. These idioms are meant to be used the way they are except with some alterations to align the syntax of our expressions. That friend of mine made me more conscious of the words I use and I thus developed a knack for checking virtually every word or phrase or idiom I use. In our conversations, while we may succeed in passing across our message however we put it, it’s far more gratifying when you put it in more accurate grammatical expressions. Let me share some of my findings:

1. We often hear: ‘More grease to your elbow.’

More accurately, it is: ‘More power to your elbow’ or ‘more elbow grease.’

2. We hear: ‘You can’t eat your cake and have it.’

More accurately, it is: ‘You can’t have your cake and eat it.’

3. ‘A word is good enough for the wise.’

More accurately: ‘A word to the wise’ or ‘a word to the wise is enough’ or ‘a word to the wise is sufficient.’

4. ‘He who wears the shoe knows where it hurts.’

More accurately: ‘He who wears the shoe knows where it pinches.’

5. ‘Behind every cloud there’s a silver lining.’

More accurately: ‘Every cloud has a silver lining.’

6. ‘Half education is dangerous.’

More accurately: ‘A little learning is dangerous.’

7. ‘A problem shared is half-solved.’

More accurately: ‘A problem shared is a problem halved’ or ‘a trouble shared is a trouble halved.’

8. Lend me your pen / I will borrow you some money.

More accurately: Borrow me your pen / I will lend you some money.

(You borrow something from somebody while they lend it to you.)

It goes on and on. We all learn everyday. Wise men never stop learning. A word to the wise, my friend!

Jokes in English - Complimentary cards!

Years ago, it was uncommon to see people with complimentary cards except a privileged few. That was the time you could put all the cards you've ever received in your pocket wallet. Nowadays, since more and more persons have found cheaper ways of making such cards, you can find the cards virtually everywhere. It’s now as common as water.

I went to a small roadside shop to buy boxer shorts. I bought a few. As I was leaving the shop, the owner gave me a complimentary card. I wondered, ‘What for?’ Reply: ‘In case you need more boxers!’ Wow, need more boxers for what? Retailing…? Boxers parade…?

I know that a time will come or it is here when students will be carrying a complimentary card that reads like these:

Osakpolor A. 300L Mech. Engineering Student.

Phone numbers:

1. MTN number…

2. Airtel number… (In case there’s network problem)

3. Glo number… (For family and friends)

Contact address:

School address…

Home address…

Holiday address… (In the event that i'm no where to be found.)

Facebook address…

Twitter address…

Email address…

Netlog address…

LinkedIn address…

Blackberry PIN…

Bank Accounts (1) …

Bank Accounts (2) … (in case you don’t have bank 1 in your area)

Please note: Your support to the course of my education will be highly appreciated!

(Hmm…. If as a student you have all the above with/in complimentary card, don’t graduate. Remain in school. Some of those who've graduated and are working 24/7 don’t have all or most of the above. A student will say he/she is broke but is recharging his/her BB every month, changing BB like wrapper… Hmm... Stay in school ooo…. You've already arrived …......................... .......................................... Just kidding ooo)

Reflections (3) - “It can't happen to me! The ‘me’ in me is Special.”

In Nigeria, when we build a house, we don't add a fire escape to the plan. Though people lose their lives everyday due to fire outbreaks and their inability to escape from burning houses, and some are afraid of the added cost, others reason, 'It can't happen to me', so emergency plans are not made. Also in Nigeria, many who can afford to, don’t save for personal and family emergencies. Though lives are lost because of inability of family members to pay for needed healthcare and other unfortunate events, many reason, ‘It can’t happen to me.’ Thus a family head will not save for tomorrow. A man has a well-paying job or business. The money flows like water. Will he save for his family? Will he open a trust fund to care for his kids when they are of age? Will he write a will that will ensure his family is well catered for even when he’s gone? Or will he act like the typical Nigerian that will go on to marry more wives and have more children, squandering his money on the pleasures life can offer, all the while telling himself, ‘The money will keep coming, nothing bad can happen to me’ ? A man knows about the dangers of HIV, STIs, unwanted pregnancies and the like, but he sleeps around with no protection. Even though he’s seen others suffer as a result, he’s confident, ‘It can’t happen to me!’ A man has exams. He puts in his little bit. Even though many have failed that exam before, he reasons, “I can’t fail. Failure is not my portion. The ‘me’ in me is special”. All these scenarios beg the following questions: those of us alive today, are we more special than those who didn’t make it to this day? Are we better, more righteous or more faithful than those who’ve been victims of the unfortunate events of yesterday? What’s the basis of the ‘me-too-special’ attitude? If these thoughts or actions are based on faith or religious beliefs, why don’t we act like others who practice same faith abroad? Or is it that our brand of faith is special too?

Let me start by saying that as humans created in the image of God, intelligent beings with the free will of choice, we are special. Every human being is unique and our bodies give eloquent testimony to our Creator. In the same light, in His wisdom, God created us in such a way that we are dependent on other things and other people. We depend on the air we breathe, the water we drink, the food we eat and we depend on others to provide our needs because we can’t do it all. Imagine how the world would be like if we don’t depend on anything or anyone to survive. Thus, the fact that we are dependent makes us amenable to virtuous qualities like love, humility, honesty, wisdom, etc. In a sense, our limitations bestow on us endearing qualities. Yes we are special but also in a loving way we are limited. One of God’s most endearing qualities is wisdom. We who are created in his image have the capacity to cultivate and to demonstrate wisdom. The Online Free Dictionary by Farlex defines wisdom, amongst other things, as “1. The ability to discern or judge what is true, right, or lasting; insight. 2. Common sense; good judgment. 3. a. The sum of learning through the ages; knowledge. b. Wise teachings of the ancient sages. 4. A wise outlook, plan, or course of action.” My emphasis is on point 4, wisdom entails having a wise outlook, plan or course of action, that is, wisdom involves making good plans, planning for the future, preparing for emergencies and uncertainties and things of that sort. The scriptures states in Ecclesiastes. 9: 11,12 (NIV, 1984) , “I have seen something else under the sun: The race is not to the swift or the battle to the strong, nor does food come to the wise or wealth to the brilliant or favor to the learned; but time and chance happen to them all. Moreover, no man knows when his hour will come: As fish are caught in a cruel net, or birds are taken in a snare, so men are trapped by evil times that fall unexpectedly upon them.” This is the fate of everyman, good or bad. While a good conduct may help prolong our lives and keep us safe from trouble, ultimately it’s not up to us to decide our longevity or the final outcome of our endeavours. Though we can’t help the inevitability of some events in our lives, there is something we all can do: while hoping for the best, prepare for the worst. Prepare for tomorrow. Save for tomorrow. Make plans for tomorrow. Remember, the scriptures says in Prov. 27:11, “Be wise, my son”.

Now, I know many would challenge my earlier sentiments with other scriptures or reasoning. 1 Peter 2:9 (NIV 1984) states, ‘You are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God.’ Note that these people are special to God; in relation to God they are unique. Yet they suffer the same fate as man, so from man’s point of view, they are no different. I’m not going into whom God chooses today. But let’s take a look at those whom God chose in the past. Apostle Peter was chosen but while he was alive on earth, he suffered the ills that befell other men and he was killed. Apostle Paul was chosen but he suffered too and was also killed. We know of people who maintain a righteous course of life and still became victims of bitter occurrences. Remember Job. Don’t get me wrong, their lives were filled with spiritual riches and meaning, but in the eyes of men, their fate was no different. Yes, granted, your beliefs and worship can fill your life with love and meaning but that does not except you from the ills of this life. To God we may be special yet in this life we are exposed and suffer the misfortunes of living. It’s not a matter of if but when. So we prepare, so we plan and so we save for the raining day.

Don’t mistake spiritual riches and fulfillment with material riches or physical possessions. One who has a close relationship with his maker is rich toward God. It matters not whether he is rich or poor, famous or unknown, highly educated or not. There are certain fates that befall all men: we get sick, we grow old, we get exhausted, accidents happen, we fall victim to evil plots, and we die. This happens whether we are righteous or unrighteous, good or bad, faithful or unfaithful. Yes, there are things we can control and there things that are completely out of our control. To humbly acknowledge these realities and to be wise in our ways is not lack of faith; it’s an act of wisdom. True faith is not gullible. Don’t mistake a well balanced faith as espoused in the bible with the positive psychology of men. Our faith in God will not necessarily shield us from bodily harm but it will surely help us cope with what life throws our way and it will help us look at the bigger picture: there is a reward for an unyielding faith. 1. Cor. 10:13 (English Standard Version, 2001) states, “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” Note that the scriptures did not say that one who’s faithful to God is free of trials or temptations but God will help us endure it. And God has said, “Be wise, my son”.

In the nation of Israel, men were punished who endangered the lives of others. When you build a roof, you put a parapet. You don’t say, ‘It can’t happen to me’. When you don’t save and prepare for uncertainties and emergencies and thus risk the lives of those depending on you, please remember 1 Tim. 5:8(NIV), “Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever”. When you don’t prepare for your exams and expect to pass anyway because you are special, remember Prov. 6:6, “Go to the ant, consider its ways and be wise!” When you choose to be reckless, feeling that no harm can come your way, remember, “Shrewd is the one that has seen the calamity and proceeds to conceal himself, but the inexperienced have passed along and must suffer the penalty.”- Prov. 22:3 (New World Translation)

Very often when bad things happen to us, we say, ‘Why me?’ It’s a genuinely innocent question asked in the sheer moment of grief. But think carefully about it. Bad things happen to people everyday. When we hear them, we don’t give it much thought, rightly so because we don’t want to get weighed down with sadness; bad things happen too often. Nevertheless, let’s face it. When you say, ‘Why me?’ are you not actually saying, ‘Why not him or her? Why not Mr. A? Why not Mrs. B? ’ Maybe, the best question is, ‘Why? Why did it happen in the first place? Why did it happen at all?’ In the scriptures, God answers the why. For us individuals, He provides comfort and hope. I pray may we never get to ask the sad bitter questions. When we ever get to ask, may He provide the answers!

Finally, don’t be discouraged that bad things happen to good people. Remember for every good deed there is a reward and no bad deed will forever go unpunished. To borrow the words of Dele Giwa, "No evil deed can go unpunished. Any evil done by man to man will be redressed, if not now, then certainly later, if not by man, then certainly by God, for the victory of evil over good can only be temporary”. The mills of justice grind slowly but surely. Be good, but don’t sit around for a reward; be humble, don’t brag about your good. “So YOU, also, when YOU have done all the things assigned to YOU, say, ‘We are good-for-nothing slaves. What we have done is what we ought to have done.’”- Luke 17:10 (New World Translation). Remember, life is a gift. We did not earn it. Ultimately, it’s not up to us to declare ourselves, ‘untouchables’. It’s by Jehovah’ Grace we have life and it is by His Grace we shall keep living.

To Jehovah be the Glory!

Reflections (2) – A man who does not get angry!

Have you seen a man who never ever gets angry at anything? It could mean one of four things:
1. He is foolish.
2. He is mentally challenged.
3. He is a con man. One who has something to hide!
4. He is evil in disguise: pure undiluted evil.
Make no mistake. He is not a good person. A good person will be angry in the face of injustice, oppression, corruption, lies, deceit and other vices. Who is a good person that won't be furious when cheated on by his/her spouse? What kind of person won't get cross in light of a betrayal, heartbreak, disappointment, rejection, and things of this sort? The moment you don't get indignant in the face of the ills of this life, it could mean one of the four things above. Don't get me wrong:
Psalms 4:4: 'Be agitated but do not sin.'
Eccl. 7:7: ' For mere oppression may make a wise one act crazy'.
Eph. 4:24: 'Be wrathful, and yet do not sin; let the sun not set with you in a provoked state'.
It's called righteous indignation.
Be leery of those who always agree with you, never find any fault with what you do, and too cool to a fault. Don't keep a close friend who would always agree with you. I get scared in a relationship when everything is good and smooth. Too good to be true is a truism. Except one who is mentally challenged, every man expresses his anger one way or the other. The man who always keep his anger concealed in the sight of others will surely seek other means to express it and those means are often more deadly. That's the kind of man who doesn't get angry when he finds his spouse cheating on him only for the spouse and the lover to turn up dead.
Please, when you're truly offended, express your anger in a dignified manner. Pent-up anger is deadly. On the other hand, be worried when you stop being angry at the ills of this world. It could mean you are now cool with those ills.

It’s reasonable to argue that it’s wrong to be the irritable guy who is always vexed on every issue. It’s also right to keep your cool in the face of some challenging circumstances in order to maintain peace and order. Yet, there is a balance that needs to be struck. Neither extreme is good: being irritable or being overly passive. No one likes an irritable man; we don’t feel comfortable around such a person. Yet, it’s a good thing when other people know that you are not happy about certain things. Let it show in your emotions that you are not OK with certain developments. You caught a man stealing your properties in broad-day light. You are not going to smile at him. You are not going to quietly dismiss it. You should express the appropriate emotion that will send him the right message: ‘That is my property, thief’! One of such emotions is anger. Justifiable and responsible anger!

Jokes in Pidgin English (34) Likita (doctor) self!

He get one doctor wen work for North for some years. For North, he notice say women dey quick dey born well well. You go see 20 year old with belle (pregnancy), ask am, ‘Is this your first pregnancy?’ She go smile; for her mind she dey reason: ‘Likita self! Which level? Why you dey underrate me? For my age?’ Then she go talk say that na the 3^rd or 5^th as the case may be.

This doctor come go South. He come dey see a 20-year pregnant lady. Doctor ask: ‘This pregnancy is number what?’ The lady burst laugh: ‘hahahahahahahaha… Doctor doctor, ask wetin dey your mind. Which kind question be that? For my age I look like person wen suppose carry belle? Wen my mates dey go school, dey hustle. If nor be Ekwe with him badluck when put me for this one wen I dey so. Instead of you to ask me whether I go keep or I nor go keep am? You go fit help me remove am?’