Jokes in Pidgin English (44) – University ‘local’ visitor!

My people nor vex o. If the joke concern wetin concern you, abeg na joke I dey o. Nor be quarrel o! E get one guy. He dey one thick village like that. One day, he ma say make e go visit the friend when dey one university for city. As he reach the university, him and em friend come dey stroll. This village guy come see many  students when wear white and black. The guy say:

‘ha, who na still do choir practice for university?’

Friend respond:

‘Nor be choir members o. Dem be law students.’

‘Hmmm… I nor know say dem dey wear uniform for university like primary and secondary school o.’

When dem waka reach front, them see some students when wear white white coats. Village guy hala, ‘These people unko? Na Seraphim and Cherubim church dem ma dey go? Why dem wear white?’

Friend: ‘No, na medical students dem be.’

Nor do nor do, dem waka meet some guys when carry long boards for hand. The guy hala:

‘Ha ha? Who na still dey use slate for university? That na ‘akara’ school level na?’

Em friend come burst laugh. ‘Na wa for u? Those na Engineering students wen dey come back from practicals. Those boards na their drawing boards.’

The Commonality of Humanity; The things that make us one (6) – Naming!

Intro! When God created man, He gave the first man the task of naming the animals and the living creatures around him. When a mother gives birth to a child, the next most important event she looks forward to is naming the baby. Often times, the mother and the father of that child spend months or weeks deciding on what name to give to that child. Loving parents seek the best name with a good meaning. When an adventurer or researcher or inventor makes a new discovery, he/she gives it a new name. When a family gets a pet, they pick a name for it. Pets and trained animals in a zoo respond to their names. I once watched a video on MSNBC’s ‘Caught on Camera’ of an elephant in a zoo attacking one of his handlers. When the other handlers rushed to the scene, they kept calling the name of that elephant and that helped stop the elephant from causing more harm to the injured handler. Names are important and they hold a special significance for God, for man and even for lower animals!

The commonality! The focus of this ‘Commonality of Humanity’ series is to highlight the common things that makes every human being on earth one. The things that tie us together in a common humanity! I’ve mentioned some things in the part 1 to 5 of this series. The idea is not to sound philosophical or highfalutin but to bring out commonsense points about the commonalities of the human race. For part 6, I’m focusing on naming. I know we all bear different names depending on our language or place of origin. Nonetheless, the fact is that we all have names. Every human being has a name; a proper name given to him by his parents, guardian or anyone entrusted with his or her care. Consequently, as humans, we name animals, plants and any other animate or inanimate object we see, hear or come across in one way or the other. Any precious thing we own, we give them names: from pets to home-made objects; from jewelries to items we inherited from our loved ones or parents. The names we give are different and they bear our varied interests and backgrounds. But what I find so common is the act of giving names. The process of giving a specific and proper name to our valued possessions is one of the things that make us one. Naming is a commonality.

Names! What is a name? Wikipedia.org defines a name as a ‘word or term used for identification.’ It also defines a personal name as that which ‘identifies a specific unique and identifiable individual person’ and a proper name is ‘the name of a specific entity’ and it’s ‘a proper noun.’ While we may have common names like man, woman, etc., I’m more interested in proper names like James, Jane, Janet, etc. We all have proper names. Even people who live in remote places of the world far from modern civilization have proper names in their spoken language. We cherish naming the things that are valuable to us. I have a pot that I’ve been cooking with for years and have outlived other pots that came before and after it. Hence I named it ‘Loyalty.’ It’s an inanimate object. It can’t respond if I call it Loyalty. Nevertheless, I’m delighted to have given it a name that reflects its servitude and usefulness to me. I’m delighted at naming an inanimate object. Now, think of the joy of naming a baby, pet and other animate entities! How pleased we are of having the privilege of naming them! How excited we must be when they respond to that name! 

Meaning of Names and Change of Names! More importantly, every name has a meaning. The meaning of a name is so very important, if not even more important than the process of naming. We often pick names of items that reflect our thoughts, feelings, impressions, and opinions about those items. The name we pick, good or bad, can be a reflection of the reputation of that item we are naming. Good names often for a good reputation; bad names for a bad image. Sometimes, names are picked randomly without much thought to the meaning of such names. That shouldn’t be the case. From early times, the meaning of names bore special significance. Personal names were changed in Bible times to reflect change in social status or position. Abram and his wife Sarai, both have their names changed to Abraham and Sarah respectively. There were characters in the Bible that had names with bad meaning and they lived up to their bad names. Take Nabal the first husband of Abigail. He acted foolishly. This was what the wife said of him in 1 Samuel 25:25 (New International Version): “He is just like his name – his name means Fool, and folly goes with him.” On the other hand, there were good names and the owners of those names lived up to them. Take Samuel, the son of Hannah. She named her son Samuel meaning ‘God has heard’ and Samuel later heard God’s voice and led a worthy life. Don’t get me wrong; having a good birth name does not guarantee a lifetime of goodness. There are those who are named ‘Innocent’ but they are everything but innocent. Nevertheless, every venture deserves a good start. We can’t tell the end from the beginning but a good beginning carries the promise of a good ending. Therefore, every child deserves a good start and every loved possession deserves a good name. Let us find out the meaning of the names we give before we give them. It’s not everything but it’s surely a good start.

Animals too name their kind in their own way! Wikipedia.org (en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Name) states, ‘The use of personal names is not unique to humans. Dolphins also use symbolic names, as has been shown by recent research. Individual dolphins have distinctive whistles, to which they will respond even when there is no other information to clarify which dolphin is being referred to.’ It then referenced the link to a study on National Geographic News online (news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2006/05/060508_dolphins.html). The site made mention of Vincent Janik of the Sea Mammal Research Unit at the University of St. Andrews in Scotland, who was the lead author of the study. The report published in 2006 studied wild bottlenose dolphins in a Florida Bay. It was shown that the dolphins have names. These names were in form of unique signature whistles developed by the dolphins from infancy. Recordings of the whistles were made and with the aid of computers and underwater loudspeakers, the whistling sounds were played to the hearing of the dolphins and the result: ‘The team found that the listening dolphins responded strongly to recordings  of the names of their relatives and close group members but largely ignored those of other dolphins.’ Janik also stated that it’s possible that some birds also use names to communicate with each other. He said: “Parrots have a very similar social structure to dolphins, and it seems they may have a similar [naming] system.” 

In conclusion! Sometimes a name is everything. Sometimes a good name is something. A good name is a good start. Now, why do we love giving lovely and meaningful names to the things we own? We have the innate desire to name everything. Why do we change names to reflect a new status or meaning? In some cultures, it’s acceptable for a married woman to change her surname to that of her husband’s and I know a lot of women who do it with delight, ‘I’m Mrs. so and so…’ They are deservedly delighted! Even those who don’t change their names for cultural or religious reasons are delighted and proud of bearing their family name. Some even combine their own surname with that of their husband’s. The reason we all delight in names is simple. We were all created by the one God who has a personal name, Jehovah, and Jehovah God delights in naming his creations. Hence, he tasked the first man, Adam, to name his living creatures. The spontaneity we feel in naming things is not a by-product of some evolutionary mischief. It’s a telling sign of the commonality of all humans: we were created by one God whose name is Jehovah. The online version of the New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures published by Jehovah’s Witnesses (www.jw.org/en/publications/bible) states in Isaiah 40:26: “Raise your eyes high up and see. Who has created these things? It is the One who is bringing forth the army of them by number, all of whom he calls even by name.” It also states in Psalm 147:4: “He [Jehovah God] is counting the number of the stars; all of them he calls by [their] names.”In Exodus 33:12, God says of Moses: “I do know you by name.” God knows us by name. He delights in us having a good name. A good name with God means much more than a mere name. But, having a well-meaning name is a good start with God. He made us and so we are named!

Jokes - Pastor too na human being!

On one fateful day, one commercial bus took off from a certain park and headed to a certain far away city. Inside the bus was a man who claims to be a pastor. He was ministering and doing every: he was reading from the bible; relating experiences of people he had helped through his bus route ministry; he was singing, praying, joking and doing everything to keep his audience focused on him. He said he has helped some passengers who were single to get married by helping them see their life partner who was a fellow passenger. That must have arisen the curiosity of the ‘all the single ladies, all the single ladies’ as sang by Beyonce. As the journey unfolded, the passengers heard that robbers were ahead. The bus driver had to stop and wait for other buses to come along. After a while, the passengers who initially came out of the bus and found an uncertain refuge in a nearby bush came out and entered the bus. As the driver was moving along, someone asked: ‘Where is the Pastor?’ The pastor was nowhere to be found. The guy just disappeared when he heard that certain human principalities were holding passengers to ransom with machine guns and AK-47s along the road. One would have thought he would cast and bind such principalities. Instead, he took off. Well, it’s succinct to say, ‘Pastor too na human being!’

There was this guy who went to a bear parlour to minister as a Man of God (MOG). When he got there, he started delivering his message. He was condemning the alcohol the men were drinking much to the annoyance of the owners of the ‘bear parlour.’ They waited for a while so that the Pastor would conclude his sermon. Unfortunately, the MOG kept on talking and talking and talking. To encourage him to leave, the waiters came up with a plan. They went to buy ‘Knockouts/banger/fireworks’. They went behind the pastor and threw a 'knockout' close to the MOG. Before you say Jack, MOG took off. He ran faster that Usain Bolt. Later in his church, he gave a testimony: ‘Praise the Lord, just the other day, I went to spread the message of the Lord in a bear parlour. I went to tell those men with carnal spirit that alcohol will take them to Hell. As I was ministering, someone threw a bomb close to where I was. The bomb was meant for me but as Baba was with me, no weapon fashioned against me will prosper. The bomb did not get to me. It went away from me and exploded some metres away from me. Glory to God! I’m safe. Hale and hearty!'

My people, ‘Pastor, too na human being. MOG see wetin pass am. He ma nor fit wait to know what really happened.’

Funny things we hear!

A friend once told me this conversation:

Man: I love you with all my kidneys
Lady: Why kidneys?
Man: Because someone has broken my heart.

Another conversation:

Lady: John, I don't like you. In short, I hate you.
Eugene: Hmmm… Sometimes, I hate myself. So, you are not alone!"

One bright morning, one man took a bike on his way to work. On their way, the bike man was driving fast and carelessly. The man asked the bike man to slow down. The bike man replied, 'You too dey fear. Why you dey fear? If God say nor be your time, nothing go happen.’

The man said, 'I dream yesterday and God say now is not my time, drop me joooo. Maybe your own time don reach. Go carry person when go escort you go there.’

O man, na joke o…

Short Fiction (2) – Who killed this man?

One fateful day, a man was driving from one city to another. He then came across a group of armed robbers on the highway. He managed to meander his way through and escaped the robbers. Thinking that the robbers were in hot pursuit, he drove with high speed into the nearby town hitting a pedestrian in the process. He thought of stopping to help the man he hit but fear of the robbers he was running from and the wrath of the people around who witnessed the accident made him run away from the scene to a police station in the next town to report his ordeal. Sadly, the pedestrian he hit was recently diagnosed with end-stage kidney disease. He was going to die without a kidney transplant which he could not afford. A lot was going through his mind when he got hit as he attempted to cross the road.

Meanwhile, a Good Samaritan at the scene of the accident decided to use his vehicle to rush the critically wounded pedestrian to a nearby government hospital. In his haste to get there he was speeding and in order to avoid a head-on collision with a drunken motorist who was overtaking in a dangerous bend, he swerved into a nearby bush. His vehicle overturned several times. He sustained minor injuries because he was wearing a seatbelt but his wounded passenger whom he was rushing to the hospital had no seatbelt on, thereby sustaining more injuries. Eventually, another vehicle came along and they were taken to the government hospital. Unknown to them, health workers were on strike and the hospital was not functional. They left for a private hospital where they were refused treatment without the presence of a policeman and/or deposit down payment. At long last, they got attended to in another hospital where the wounded pedestrian was declared BID (brought in dead).

Who is responsible for his death?

a. The 1st driver blames the robbers he was running from and
the sick pedestrian who didn't pay attention to the road before crossing. Maybe the pedestrian was suicidal because of his terminal illness.
b. Witnesses of the 1st accident blame the hit-and-run driver.
c. Witnesses of the 2nd accident blame the speeding Good Samaritan and the drunk driver who was overtaking in a dangerous bend.
d. The Good Samaritan blames (1) hit-and-run driver. (2) Drunk driver (3) health workers who were on strike (4) the government whose failures led to the workers' strike.
e. Some would say the dead man just had a bad day with a string of misfortunes. Was it is his time? Who is to blame?

Lesson: sometimes, life can be complicated. The truth of daily living can sometimes be very complicated.

Jokes in Pidgin English (43) – Small money get value!

These days ATM machines get wahala. Na long long queues people dey stand now to collect. I nor know why Naija ATM machine na jagbajagba (e don spoil) unlike before. If you see queue for ATM now you go run. It’s even faster to withdraw money inside bank than to use ATM card.

That is why these days if you nor get better money to withdraw, nor go ATM ooo. These days, na big embarrassment to go withdraw money for ATM. Because as you dey withdraw, thousands are behind you waiting for their turn. If na shekele (small) money you collect, them go know. Don’t advertise your poverty.

E get one day, I go one ATM machine. As we dey wait one guy for front withdraw 1,000 naira. The guy for my back say, ‘Na because of 1K make you dey waste our time here.’ Hmmm… 1K na small money abi?

Another day, I go ATM, one guy come meet me say, ‘Bros, the machine dey give 500 naira?’ I answer: ‘I nor sure. Na mostly one one thousand naira note, the machine dey release.’ The guy say, ‘Me, na just 500naira I wan withdraw.’ I pity the guy that day. I wish I hold money that day, maybe I for give am a helping hand. But on that day, what I wanted to withdraw has been calibrated with ruler and pencil. Any shortage na wahala. My people, if 1K nor get value, see somebody wen come withdraw 500naira.

If you get small amount for your account, nor go ATM to withdraw am ooo. If you do, I nor dey there. He get one time like that things happen. I say make I go clear one of my accounts. When I reach the ATM, do every, press withdraw, the machine do like say e wan pay. But money nor come out. Before I say Jack, I receive text message say I don withdraw and my account is red. O boy, nor be small something. It took me a lot to get that money back. Word for the wise: If you need money for something important and urgent: enter bank, go to the cashier and collect the money. If you depend on ATM, you go hear wa'in.

Still on the story, if you wan know if money get value, consider the following:

If you wan know if 5naira get value, enter Molue commercial bus for Lagos and make your money dey short of 5naira, na then you go know wetin dey!

If you wan know the value of 20naira, make pocket picker pick your pocket and carry all your money and the you just need 20naira to take transport home. Na so for Benin that year, them pocket pick all my money for Ring Road. O boy, no money to take transport of 20naira then back to Ugbowo. Na beg I beg one guy wen I don buy books from before. Before the guy agree to give me 20bucks, na die. Thank God I had my ID that day. If not na suffer I for suffer.

If you wan know the value of 2naira 50K, ask the madame wen dey photocopy.

If you wan know the value of one one naira coins, ask the beggar on the streets or road junction.

No matter how small the money is, somebody somehow somewhere knows the value. Sometimes in life, when you get, you may not know the value of small money until circumstances present you with a hard choice. Na so I see am, take care!

Jokes – Akwa-Ibom man and his daughter (Warning: It’s just a joke! No more, no less)

There was this Akwa-Ibom man whose daughter traveled to the US some years back. The daughter was single when she left. He has been expecting the daughter to get married and settle down. No way! So, when the time came and the daughter arranged for him to visit the US, this issue was no. 1 on his agenda. When he got to his daughter’s home, he noticed one handsome young American man who always visits the daughter. He became hopeful. He then asked the daughter, ‘Who is this nice and handsome young man who comes visiting all the time?’

The daughter said, ‘He’s my good friend.’

Father: ‘Gbam! (Exclamation) That’s what I’m talking about! When is he coming to ask for your hand in marriage?’

Daughter: ‘No, dad! He’s just a friend.’

Father: ‘Well, that’s how all relationships start ‘na’?’

Daughter: ‘Father, you don’t understand?’

Father: ‘Understand what? Is he sick?’

Daughter: ‘No, he’s not sick. He’s gay!’

Father: ‘Gay what! I think he’s sick!’

Daughter: ‘Dad, no. That was the way he was born!’

Father: ‘Hmm… I’m telling you, he’s sick. Bring him to Akwa-Ibom and I tell you, within, one week, we shall find the cure.’

Daughter: ‘That’s who he is! He’s found himself and he’s come out of the closet.’

Father: ‘I’m telling you. Bring him to Akwa-Ibom. Within one week, he will change his name.’

Daughter: ‘Dad, you don’t understand. When I came to US, I realized that I’m not really into men. I like girls and I want to come out of the closet.’

Father: ‘Abomination! Please, stay in the closet and give me the keys. Let me throw the key in the ocean on my way back to Africa.’

Daughter: ‘Daddy, it’s who I am!’

Father: ‘O Abasi (God)… Adiaba, my daughter, after all the magic you performed in Akwa-Ibom, you’ve come to US to like girls. Who is deceiving you? Oh… oh… oh…’

Daughter: ‘Daddy, I was young then. I didn’t know who I was. But I've grown up. I’ve even changed my name.’

The father fainted!